My children blame me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been in a relationship with a passive aggressive Narcissist for 27 yrs.  I'm exhausted and being blamed for all our problems.  I am filing for divorce.  Any suggestions for how to respond to my children who think my spouse is the innocent victim and that they have been abused by my frustration and anger?

[darkdecade]

I've been in a relationship with a passive aggressive Narcissist for 27 yrs.  I'm exhausted and being blamed for all our problems.  I am filing for divorce.  Any suggestions for how to respond to my children who think my spouse is the innocent victim and that they have been abused by my frustration and anger?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi darkdecade and Welcome to the site 

I'm sorry to hear about your failing r/s and the effects on you.  You're certainly in the right place for support.  You're not alone in this.  Other members can relate to what you're feeling and experiencing.  We will help you navigate through this.

Any suggestions for how to respond to my children who think my spouse is the innocent victim and that they have been abused by my frustration and anger?

Can you give us a little more detail about the circumstances surrounding your children's views here?  What would lead them to believe this?

Love and light x

[takingandsending]

Hello darkdecade

Just wanted to join Harley Quinn in welcoming you to bpdfamily. How old are your children? Certainly, their age would change how you approach them as well.

[WildernessMan]

Darkdecade - What you're probably dealing with, in my experience, is Parental Alienation (PA). This is one feature of BPD that courts are familiar with and psychiatrists are as well.

I've been dealing with my wife practicing PA since our children were young enough to understand her negative words about me. It has caused deep seated damage between myself and my children. But I do think it can be corrected with my patience and time with my kids. Mine are 21 (has severe BPD as well), 17 and 14.

As for what to say to your children, I like what I've learned on this site. That is, continue to treat your children with kindness throughout all of the issues with your wife. Basically pretend there are no problems. You will most likely get some resistance from your children at first. I have. But just ignore it and continue to be peaceful with your children, treat them with respect and kindness and deal with your spouse as a totally seperate issue. If your wife suffers with BPD, she will not be happy with you for maintaining smooth sailing as if nothing is going on. Mine hates peace. Trust me.

What you will accomplish with this approach is personal peace and peace with your children. Your wife won't be able to change that. In this regard EVEYONE will win.

This method is working perfectly in my life, and it has been for almost 2 months. We have a court date in middle October.