Parental Alienation Syndrome happens not just in divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've ready on multiple web sites about how Parental Alienation (PA) happens mostly in high conflict divorces. That may be true, but I assure you PA can occur throughout a relationship where children are involved and one parent has BPD. I have experienced this throughout my entire 21 year marriage with my BPD wife.

Many times my wife and I have had a disagreement, the first thing she does is drag our children in to it somehow. Her normal action has been to "play the victim card" and become highly emotional, while I sat there calm and cool.

This made it appear that I was the one whom instigated the whole blowup. Then she would take them off to another room, lock the door, and say negative things to them about me. I would often listen through the door. If I spoke up, even in a calm manner, I was the bad guy and my children would jump on that bandwagon with my wife.

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

       

[WildernessMan]

I've ready on multiple web sites about how Parental Alienation (PA) happens mostly in high conflict divorces. That may be true, but I assure you PA can occur throughout a relationship where children are involved and one parent has BPD. I have experienced this throughout my entire 21 year marriage with my BPD wife.

Many times my wife and I have had a disagreement, the first thing she does is drag our children in to it somehow. Her normal action has been to "play the victim card" and become highly emotional, while I sat there calm and cool.

This made it appear that I was the one whom instigated the whole blowup. Then she would take them off to another room, lock the door, and say negative things to them about me. I would often listen through the door. If I spoke up, even in a calm manner, I was the bad guy and my children would jump on that bandwagon with my wife.

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

       

[formflier]

It's a big part of my relationship... .or was a big part.

Somehow, my wife "gets something" from the dynamic of "telling others" how bad she perceives me to be.

She "gets more" if I start arguing and invalidating her by "proving" her perceptions wrong.

This is something my psychologist and I have done a lot of work on to change my "reactions" to this.

For me... .I had to realize my wife will do what she does.  Put little energy there.   My  focus is on keeping the kids out of it.

So... .many times I would say "Kids... .go to your room and shut the door.  This conversation is not for children."

or variations on that.

It hasn't "fixed" the problem, but lessened it a bunch.

Can you give us examples of how the kids get brought into this?

FF

[WildernessMan]

Formflier - She pulls the kids in using various ways. Mostly it's her over-reation that draws our kids in. The over-reaction somehow prompts our children's desire to protect and defend her, thinking I've done something awful. Mind you, in 95% of these situations I remained calm the entire time. It was simply her awful reaction that was outside resonable emotional bounds. This is why most people don't believe you when you describe what happened. A BPD's behavior just doesn't fit the situation most of the time in my case.

One example off the top of my head is this. My daughter's boyfriend came for a visit back during the summer. His eyes were blood shot as if he'd been smoking pot all day. He's a good kid, and probably hadn't been smoking pot.

I just asked her if we should get him to take a drug test. Half joking and half serious. Her reaction was over the top and took me by surprise, even knowing she suffers with BPD and over-acts at times.

I went further by saying I just wanted to make sure our daughter was dating someone safe to be around. Further reaction to her forced me to drop the subject once she hightened it further. Our daughter had come in at the end and my wife made sure she witnessed my her drama about her boyfriend.  

This is typical of our disagreements. It has been rare that we've ever been able to discuss and solve problems due to reactions like this.

I was never able to ask the kids to leave the room or something like that. If I had done that, my wife would've hit the ceiling with fury. I can't even imagine trying something like that, as her behavior has never had any boundaries.  

PA is the one thing that I have found has no solution whatsoever, especially if your partner does it behind your back like mine.

 

[formflier]

 
OK... let's flip this.

Perhaps you wife has no boundaries... .because she is not used to boundaries... .

You don't set boundaries... .because your wife isn't used to them... .and she uses fury to get her way.

She has BPD... .

How do you think this gets solved... .

1.  You convince your wife to accept boundaries by reasoning with her?

2.  You set boundaries that you control... .and let your wife do her thing... .?


Which of the above two options is more likely to lead to a pathway of better behavior?

FF

[formflier]

 
What are things you could have done differently... .pre-emptively... .to have made the bloodshot eye thing more likely to turn out better?

FF

[Stolen]

Many times my wife and I have had a disagreement, the first thing she does is drag our children in to it somehow. Her normal action has been to "play the victim card" and become highly emotional, while I sat there calm and cool.

This made it appear that I was the one whom instigated the whole blowup. Then she would take them off to another room, lock the door, and say negative things to them about me. I would often listen through the door. If I spoke up, even in a calm manner, I was the bad guy and my children would jump on that bandwagon with my wife.

Has anyone else experienced this?

      

Oh - I experienced it.  Over and over and over.  At first it was more "she's more a friend to them than a mother", but it became deeper and deeper.  I didn't know the words, the phrases, the subject headings back then - I just knew that things were "off".

Here is a good read on what is often behind this: https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/07/08/therapy-cross-generational-parent-child-coalition/