Hungry No food in the house for teenage sons

[Belljarescapee]

About a week and a half ago I was getting off work and answered a phone call from my mom. She had a very forced calm voice and asked me if I had food at my house. I immediately freaked out and asked what he had done. I knew it involved my BPD husband who had been living at his mother's the last 2 + months as I was establishing my own appartment. My first thought was that he had called dcs and my son and step son were gone. Thank god he had called my mother instead. Apparently while the boys were home that day they had been craving some restaurant food and are evidently shamless at getting it. They had told my BPD husband that there was nothing to eat at home accept for ramen noodles (which are by the way my step son's favorite food to prepare for himself and will eat them instead of meals I cook if they aren't to his tastes, meat with bones, veggies other than corn and potatoes). They said I had not been cooking as many meals, which was at their insistence because they enjoy take out more. And that I had claimed to not have money for food.  Untrue, I said I did not have a budget for take out 7 nights a week while getting my finances in order and they would need to settle for my home cooked meals. Their plan worked,  they had lunch at a sit down restaurant with their father for the 5 or 9th time that week. But their dad was fixated on exposing my bad parenting.  He said he consulted others first, I'm not sure who or how many. He mentioned that his mother had warned him that "if you don't call someone I will" one can only assume that would be child protective services. He then elected to include my mother. He told her about there being no food, no cooking,  no money. He reported all the bills he was paying and how responsible he was. When my mother refused to consent that there could be no food at my home he became indignant and told her to call my son and ask him for proof. I had read splitting and since I know he automatically records all phone calls I had warned my mom to never allow him to make untrue claims about me without dispute. So when I arrived home my mother was there waiting for be and went inside to take photos at my request of all the food in my house: milk, juice, fresh fruit, fresh veggies, cheese,  canned, packaged, unopened boxes of cereal and chips, frozen fries,  hot dogs,  leftover chicken quesadillias I cooked the night before after a 12 hr shift, I could bore you with the whole inventory. I didn't care that my sons had made the same claim they have a million times about there being nothing to eat, it's a typical harmless teenage exaggeration. The part that put me on guard was my BPD H determination to convince others of my neglect. I started the process of moving out the next day, even though I wasn't ready. I know it's only going to get worse from here.

[Sunfl0wer]

Fyi: Getting accused of not feeding your child is really not a huge deal, imo.  Once when my son was in elementary, he wanted ice cream for breakfast.  I refused to serve him that and told him what his options were, some of what I rambled off was silly, waffles, lettuce, beets, toast, pancakes, kale, etc.  He was not in the mood for those items and went to school hungry that morning.  (He also did not grasp my humor about it and felt I was being cruel.) He must have been confronted by his aid, and told her that he was hungry as "there was no food in the house."  She must have called CPS on me.  Gotta say, it worried me some because my son struggles to keep his weight up, and is sometimes low weight.  CPS did a quick surprise visit.  Asked to see his bed and to look in my fridge.  When I explained the circumstances, that he wanted ice cream... .the lady looked a bit embarassed to have been bothering me.  The case was closed immediately after that visit.

Anyway, my point is... .
I don't think it is too worrisome to get accused of not having food. 
Sounds more like drama to me.

Not sure it is a good idea to validate that accusation by taking pictures of food in your place.  Seems like this could simply add to the drama vs descalating it.

Who were the pictures for?
What was accomplished?

(Not trying to be critical... .just trying to understand what happens when you are accused of stuff, as it is likely to not be the last false accusation you will get.)
I wonder if you have had a chance to read the articles around here on JADE yet?

[Panda39]

Hi Belljarescapee,

FOG! (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) + Drama Triangle

... .But their dad was fixated on exposing my bad parenting.  He said he consulted others first, I'm not sure who or how many. He mentioned that his mother had warned him that "if you don't call someone I will" one can only assume that would be child protective services... .The part that put me on guard was my BPD H determination to convince others of my neglect. I started the process of moving out the next day, even though I wasn't ready. I know it's only going to get worse from here.

My SO's uBPDxw did so much of this during they're separation too. He's baiting you. He's using Fear. He's pulling everyone in on the drama triangle... .he's the persecutor, your the victim, your mom's the rescuer.  I would guess that going to your mom was a calculated move to escalate everyone's anxiety.

So what if he does call CPS?  You know your children are not starving. Do your children look like they are starving, do you have food in your house, do you have bank statements showing your meals out and your spending on groceries?  What would CPS find at your house? Nothing.

What my SO finally realized he wasn't confident in his parenting and his ex was leveraging that.  Once he realized that he was a good dad (he might do things differently from his ex but he wasn't a bad dad) he had the confidence to let this kind of stuff go.

How are you communicating with your stbx?  If you aren't already, start using email only.  Email can be used as documentation, email slows down the interaction, you can take the time you need to process what he sends vs a knee jerk reaction.  If he's emailing false allegations just respond what he says isn't true (nothing more do not JADE Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  If he emails badmouthing you do not respond.  If he emails something legitimate about your children respond using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) in other words keep it short and sweet.

I agree with Sunflower, no need to take pictures to send to the ex.  What you could do is document this accusation start keeping a journal (write up his accusation) and then take pictures and keep it for your attorney/court.  Going forward you will want to show the patterns of his dysfunctional behaviors he's got you back on your heels (defensive) you need to start going on the offence. Document his false accusations.

My SO's uBPDxw took their daughters to the Dermatologist for acne.  Then after the appointment told my SO that the Dermatologist told her that the girls were pre-diabetic because they had dark rings around their necks. What the heck? She blamed him for feeding the kids junk (what is it about food?) He could have called to talk with the Dermatologist directly but he never had to because the following weekend his ex sent the girls to his house with literally bags of Easter Candy! He took pictures of the candy for documentation. This along with presenting other evidence to the court my SO was awarded Medical decision making.

I've included links to further information on the following topics... .

Info on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Info on Karpman Drama Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Info on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Hang in there and believe in yourself  
Panda39

[Belljarescapee]

Sunflower and Panda39,
Thank you for the info, I'll be sure and look over the material you both provided. The pictures were not for stbx. They were for me in case he is attempting to build evidence of my neglect. I don't know who else he told that story to but my mom is the only person who knows the truth and I wanted to make sure he couldn't build on that falsehood. I did not speak to him about anything until a week later. I allowed him to rant and defame on his high horse without a word. I know I need to calm down about this stuff but it's my child.  Dcs didn't come officially verify I had food that day and I'm very afraid of a custody battle with a BPD x spouse, the photos were for my peace of mind for the future.

[Belljarescapee]

Panda39,

Does there always have to be a triangle with 3 people?  I don't think my mother was intended to rescue me. I think BPDh intended to groom her as a future co-persecutor. She has been allowing him to confide in her since our split. He's been telling her about all his worries, mainly information about my son and I desguised as concern but building in a negative light. She wasn't intended to talk to me, or check.  He got irritated when she wouldn't just take it as truth.  I wish my mom would have nothing to do with him because I feel like nothing good can come of it.  But I'm restraining myself from discouraging her to continue to expose herself to his games.

[Turkish]

People can shift positions in the drama triangle... .

Stepping back from this,  I think it's good that you document.  You can never over document. 

The kids sound spoiled. I grew up on Ramen, rice-o-roni, government cheese,  and potatoes, in addition to dented canned items from the cannery. Kids these days... .

My D5 loves carbs. It would be chips, cookies, bread and candy of it were up to her.  Kids 

Document. I'm frustrated reading your story,  much less having to live it as you are.  Teens are old enough to make their own choices,  though no ice cream for breakfast 

Personally, I'd tell them ice cream would leave the home of it keeps being pushed. 

[Belljarescapee]

Turkish, 
Thanks for the light hearted sentiment and encouragement. They are spoiled.  We very infrequently ate out when we were all together. I think restaurants are a waste of money and unhealthy.  But BPDh is doing what he can to win affections. I'm indulging my son right now because he has decreased appetite and has lost a few pounds. Not too much,  but he doesn't have much more to shave off. Probably stress and the low dose antidepressant. Its ok though,  we're on our own now and he'll be eating plenty of Ramen, and home cooked meals.