He's Been Gone A Month (Coming Back This Week)

[WitzEndWife]

So, I've now had a month without my uBPDh. The pros here are that I feel like I get to do what I want without being judged or confronted, and I have gotten a lot better sleep overall. I'm able to practice self care when I need to without worrying about someone else's emotional needs, or fearing a blow-up. My stress level is certainly much lower. I'm working out regularly, and getting back into running regularly (have a 5K scheduled in two weeks). Even the dog seems more calm.

He says he's coming back this week (likely Friday). He spent the entire month helping his mother repair her home. He is feeling very confident and assured that he can tackle anything he puts his mind to, so this is a good thing.

While I do suspect that some of his focus on the house was yet another way to procrastinate doing what he needed to be doing (starting work at a real estate agency), I am glad that we got so much time apart so that I could see what it was like to live without him.

I did find surprisingly that I started to miss him a little bit after about two weeks apart, which I thought would not happen. I thought that the conflict and his lack of initiative had kind of strangled my romantic feelings. I did start to feel them a little bit, a tiny flicker. I guess I'm holding out hope that this can still be salvaged, that he can start working regularly, and showing some responsibility toward our partnership. Where I can stop being a "mom" and start being a wife. I'm already focused on changing MY behavior in that regard, but it certainly would help if he would be motivated to work.

No excuses left for him. If he cannot do this, then he either has to go to intensive (is there inpatient for BPD?) therapy or we're done. If he is unable to function, then he needs intensive medical attention. We'll see what happens. 

[Donalith]

I'm really glad to hear that you got some time to yourself to take care of your needs and perhaps ground yourself. When you say, he needs to go to therapy, do you expect that therapy motivated by external stimulus (ie. do it or else) will resolve what you perceive to be his issues? If he doesn't have to internal recognition that he might need help and the internal desire to get help, are you concerned that external motivation might build resentment?

I've often found that it's much easier to come to a conclusion about what YOU are going through and what your going to do about it than what trying to make someone else do something about it.

If he doesn't desire to work on himself, what are you prepared to do about it? How do you feel about it?

[Lucky Jim]

Maybe you can get your H into therapy; maybe not.  In my experience, those w/BPD can be quite reluctant to participate in therapy.

Concur w/Donalith: put your energy where your power is, i.e., in the things within your control (mainly yourself).  When in doubt, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.

LuckyJim

[Radcliff]

Hi WitzEndWife, we're thinking about you.  I expect you may have had a lot going on this weekend.  Stay well, and give us an update when it's a good time for you.

Wentworth

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks all. This weekend was a nightmare. I'm left feeling emotionally terrorized. I'll try to recap.

Friday night, we went to dinner and a concert. All was great. He yammered on at dinner about his mother's house, and I did find myself thinking: he hasn't once asked me about how my month was, it has been all about him and his mother. I took note of that feeling and moved on. We went to the concert and had a good time. Went to bed, and everything was fine.

Saturday, we had two things planned. First, at 1PM, we were to pick up an antique desk I'd found on Craigslist. I had told him about this the day before, and mentioned it again in the evening. Then, I mentioned it again in the morning. We slept in that morning, but then he decided to start working on some things at noon. I texted him at 12:15 to gently remind him that we should probably leave in 15- 20 minutes. He replied, "I'm working as fast as I can. At 12:37, I grabbed my purse and meandered outside, just to see what he was doing. I said, meekly and gently, "Are you almost done?" He became agitated anyway. We got to the car, and, due to his violent motions, I figured he was angry. I said, "Why are you angry?" He said, "You just can't go a day without nagging me, can you? You can clearly see I'm working as fast as I can, and yet you have to pressure me." I said, "Well, it's just that I told the person we would be there by 1PM... ." "You care more about this stranger than you do about me!"  he raged. And then he started driving crazily. And I started screaming, begging him to slow down. After that, he took his time, stopping to get gasoline, and going into the gas station for 5-10 minutes, coming out with pretzels (which I did not want or ask for). He scolded me like I was a child. It made me JADE. When we got on the highway, he started driving crazily again. I screamed my head off and threatened to call the police. Then, halfway there, he pulled over on the highway and threatened to get out of the car because he couldn't stand being around me. I physically pulled him back in and we finally continued on in silence. We picked up the desk (we were 45 minutes late), and then headed to our next destination, which was to pick up a prescription of mine. I cried silently on the way there. He did a 180 and started apologizing and crying for being mean, and he said that he hadn't eaten anything and was frustrated. We stopped at the pharmacy, I picked up my prescription and a card for the wedding we were attending at 5PM. He picked up a sewing kit to sew a button onto his blazer that had fallen off during the last wedding.

As I was getting ready for the wedding, I heard him roaring in the other room. It got louder and more intense. He clearly wanted me to hear his tantrum. What was wrong? Apparently, the sewing kit he had purchased did not contain any needles, and I had no idea where any sewing needles were (likely still in a box at my parents' home). He raged and threw things around. It was nearly 4:30 and I still hadn't wrapped the present, and I was trying to get ready myself. After several minutes of him raging and throwing things, I told him to go quickly to the dollar store around the corner and pick up a sewing kit there while I finished getting ready. He did that, but his tantrum made us 15 minutes late to the ceremony for one of my oldest, dearest friends. As is usual with him.

Yesterday, I hadn't had a good nights' sleep the night before because the dog got me up in the middle of the night, and then woke me up early in the morning. He tried to force me awake again after I'd slipped back into bed, and make me go on a walk with him, rattling off that WE had "a lot to do today." After yesterday's day of insanity, I was a bit cranky and reluctant to get going. My body felt like lead. We went for a walk and got coffee and a bagel at the local cafe. After that, I helped him unload his car from his trip, and we washed and vacuumed both vehicles, an activity he relishes. After that, I got washed up and got ready to go to the hardware store with him. I was reading an article on my phone when he came up the stairs, while on the phone with his mother, putting her on speakerphone and shoving the phone in my face to say hello. I like his mother, but every time he's on the phone with her around me, he puts her on speakerphone and tries to force me to talk, and I don't always feel like talking. I kind of brushed it off (I gave a one-word reply) and kept reading the article (I was tired and cranky). Before we left the house, he became agitated AGAIN about losing something, and started throwing things around again. He started driving crazily again. I told him I would not be in the car with him driving crazy like that. He pretended he didn't know what I was talking about, and started driving normally, like it never happened. Then, he made a comment about me liking my phone more than him. This escalated into an argument, where, of course, I was the bad guy. We bickered into the hardware store.

Of course, being in a hardware store and talking home repair led to a money conversation, which he never likes (because he says I stomp on his dreams - cruel, cruel me who holds the purse strings and is trying to keep us from going bankrupt). I said, "Well, when the well is dry, it's dry." Because he thinks I'm just a bottomless money pit. He belittled me cruelly for "whining" about money. He mocked me and talked down to me in the store, telling me I was ungrateful for the things he was trying to do to make the house look better. All or nothing.

We got back to the car, and he was still scolding me. He loves to do this. Just berate and berate me, and hash over and over the events of the day. But I'm not allowed to do the same, of course. We had to go to the mall to get him some clothing for his new job. On the way there, things got ugly yet again. I couldn't take the mocking. I yelled at him. I told him that it hurt my feelings. He raged and belittled me. Once we got to the parking lot of the mall, he got out of the car. I got out too, and began walking off. I don't know exactly where I was planning to go, or what I was planning to do, but I wanted to get away from him. He got back into the car and chased me down, begging me to get back into the car and go with him. I did, reluctantly. In the store, of course, he was again apologetic and lovey dovey.

Later that night, he started trolling a couple of article posts from local publications on issues that I care deeply about. We've argued about this kind of thing before, because I can see his posts, and his public persona is angry, nasty, and cruel, and it insults and belittles things I feel are important. I've told him his trolling bothers me. In the past, he said that he would stop. Why he decided to do so right after a weekend of vicious arguments with me, right after things had calmed down, is beyond me. I responded to him doing so, which again sparked an argument. This time, it was about politics, and he said horrible things to me and about certain groups of people, yet again, then walked out of the house. He told me he was going to get a hotel. I told him I wasn't paying for it. I was angry and screaming. He called me, "unhinged." I was rattled, I wanted to die. I sincerely wished that I would just collapse and die right there, rather than deal with all of this. And again, once he'd gotten over it, he came home and went promptly to sleep. He slept like a baby, while i tossed all night.

I don't have the patience for this anymore. I can't even pause and validate most of the time because I'm so hurt and upset, even though I know my yelling makes things worse. And I don't care - I don't care about his feelings anymore, because he has no regard for mine. And, yet, if I throw him out, I will be the "bad guy." Why is that the thing I fear the most? I feel like I cannot handle that. I don't want to end it because, of course, he'll blame me. He'll tell everyone I was some kind of unhinged psycho.

I've never felt like this in my life. I hate this feeling of being demonized and hated, yet clung to. His demeanor toward me has gone from idealizing to annoyance, to resentment, to contempt. When I tell him he hurts me, he doesn't care. Until later. Then he cries about it and is sorry. I can't keep doing this, but I don't have the strength to leave. It's like, I know I have to get out, but I have to walk through fire to get to safety.

I will call a divorce lawyer this week and arrange a consultation. Unfortunately his car is on the fritz and he will be driving me to work every day, so I cannot go on my own until his car is fixed.

It feels better to write this out here. I know that you all have been through this. I know that some are probably looking at me like I'm some idiot for sticking around. Obviously it's not going to get better and I'm a fool for thinking so. I'm heartbroken, but I'm going to try to get to a place where I feel strong, and spend as much time away from him as I possibly can (even though he has to drive me to work).

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WEW, Sorry to hear about your weekend, which sounds exhausting.  I wonder whether you need to do so many activities together, which sounds a little codependent to me.  Maybe you could schedule some time on your own?  I suspect you need to be alone in order to recharge your batteries.  Perhaps you could think more about your needs and what is right for you?

LuckyJim

[WitzEndWife]

Hey WEW, Sorry to hear about your weekend, which sounds exhausting.  I wonder whether you need to do so many activities together, which sounds a little codependent to me.  Maybe you could schedule some time on your own?  I suspect you need to be alone in order to recharge your batteries.  Perhaps you could think more about your needs and what is right for you?

LuckyJim

Well, first of all, it was his first weekend back after a long time gone, and we just happened to have plans for a multiple things together. I needed him to pick up the desk, because I couldn't carry it by myself. He needed help carrying things out of his car. And I was the one paying for the home supplies and for the groceries while we ran errands, so I needed to be there. He is very clingy, though, and, if I don't go with him for errands, he will get upset.

I usually try to schedule things for myself to do without him, but he rarely ever does anything without me.

[Lucky Jim]

He is very clingy, though, and, if I don't go with him for errands, he will get upset. . . . I usually try to schedule things for myself to do without him, but he rarely ever does anything without me.

Hello again, WEW, Right, you have described my BPDxW to a "T."  Clinginess is a problem, in my view, because it gets tiring and feels suffocating after a while.  Scheduling things to do on your own is a healthy move.

I would suggest that his need for you to accompany him on errands is his problem, not yours.  When we do things for others that they are perfectly capable of doing on their own, it suggests codependency to me.

Worth thinking about what you can do, all by yourself, to avoid participating in a codependent dynamic.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

   

So... I don't understand why he doesn't deal with his car... .and you deal with yours, especially if you have important things to do.

Let him sort our his car...

You sort out the rest of your life... .

Hang in there... I know it's disappointing.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

 

So... I don't understand why he doesn't deal with his car... .and you deal with yours, especially if you have important things to do.

Let him sort our his car...

You sort out the rest of your life... .

Hang in there... I know it's disappointing.

FF

I'd honestly rather him get to work than worry about his car. He will deal with it in two weeks, after his training period. It's only two weeks that I have to bother with it, not forever. I just hope I can avoid the irritability and rage. Man, he came home swinging. Sigh.

[WitzEndWife]

And, on top of it all, while we were arguing, he said, "I don't see why my mother and I get along, even though we have different opinions on things, and I can't go one day with you without fighting."

He puts his mother on a pedestal. She can do no wrong. Even though SHE is the one who kicked him out when he was 14, and sent him to live in a foster home. She's the one who made him so emotionally traumatized. Now, she's the saint queen goddess of his life. *fume*

He'll put her on a pedestal, while unloading his anger onto me. I know it's not rational. It's not fair though.

[Lucky Jim]

He'll put her on a pedestal, while unloading his anger onto me. I know it's not rational. It's not fair though.

Why do you put up with it?  What can you do to change the dynamic?

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

Why do you put up with it?  What can you do to change the dynamic?

LJ

I can't do anything but leave. I don't see any other solution. If someone has decided I'm to blame for everything that frustrates them or makes them angry in life, well, there isn't much I can do about it, is there? I can't JADE my way out of it, clearly. All I can do is stay or go.

What's weird though, is that, when he threatens to leave, instead of thinking, "Good, this is my chance!" I feel gutted and beg him to stay. I'm ashamed of this. I begged him last night not to leave me and said that I'd shut up and stop yelling if he came home. What in the world is wrong with me? I've never been like this in my life.

[WitzEndWife]

The next day, or even hours later, I always wind up wishing that I'd let him go when he threatened to leave.

[Lucky Jim]

I doubt that he would carry out his "threats," which I view as an attempt to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Suggest you call his bluff and use it as a springboard for an honest discussion of where things are headed in your marriage.  The idea that begging him to stay will solve anything seems to point to some deeper issue on your part, perhaps from childhood.  Can you identify what that issue is?

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

I doubt that he would carry out his "threats," which I view as an attempt to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Suggest you call his bluff and use it as a springboard for an honest discussion of where things are headed in your marriage.  The idea that begging him to stay will solve anything seems to point to some deeper issue on your part, perhaps from childhood.  Can you identify what that issue is?

LJ

I suppose I was rejected a lot when I was a child. I was really creative and gifted, and I came from a multi-cultural family, so my worldview was very different from children around me. I went to a pretty snobby school, and the kids treated me horribly there, like a pariah, and made up fake stories about me. Later in life, I sought validation through others and tried desperately to avoid the pain of rejection. When I was younger, I'd conform to whatever my boyfriends wanted me to be in order to please them. And every single one of them cheated on me, save one, and eventually left me for someone else "better".

I'm guessing that it comes from wanting to avoid that rejection. I have found myself begging him. It's this desperate feeling that takes over, even though I feel as though I've grown and changed and become more confident as an adult. It's this need to avoid feeling unlovable, unwanted, lower than dirt.

[donkey2016]

Hello,

I just wanted to write a quick note and tell you how sorry I am that you're going through all this suffering and disappointment. Don't judge yourself - we 're many people here on this web site that have stayed with a person even though so many issues with them. You're not alone. When I read your post it was almost scary how similar to my "ex" BPD boyfriend. I'm writing in quotation marks because it's just one week ago I broke up with him - and maybe it's not going to last - that I'm maybe crazy enough to go back to him.

He has broken up with me so many times that I have lost count and he has always begged me to come back. You don't have to beg - just wait and he'll change his mind. Try to follow Lucky's advice to do things separate from him. Tell him that it's for your work or only women are allowed. I didn't understand completely the issues with the cars but maybe you could take a bus or a cab to work to have more freedom.

I found that detaching from my boyfriend was the best for me - to avoid being upset and crying all the time. It's something I learned from this web site.

Good luck ,
Donkey2016

[Lucky Jim]

I'm guessing that it comes from wanting to avoid that rejection. I have found myself begging him. It's this desperate feeling that takes over, even though I feel as though I've grown and changed and become more confident as an adult. It's this need to avoid feeling unlovable, unwanted, lower than dirt.

Hello again, WitzEnd, That was quick!  I admire your honest assessment of the issue.  You put your finger right on it, which is not easy to do.  Having identified the problem, you have the power to change things going forward. 

People pleasing is an unreliable way to source one's self-worth, as you've discovered.  In my view, you are valuable and worthy just the way you are, and always have been, though you may not have known it.  The goal, I suggest, is to find one's self-worth from within, from one's core.

LuckyJim

[WitzEndWife]

It's hard to describe how he makes me feel. In recent years, in every other situation in my life, I've felt confident and worthy, and learned to be just myself in relationships. I didn't feel the need to change to be with my husband at all. But when he attacks me, that's when it can really cut deep into my core, and touch that part of me that still hurts. It's such a dark feeling when he says things about me that aren't true. He knows just how to pick at my insecurities, saying things that make me seem stupid, or overly emotional, or too sensitive. He does whatever he can to belittle me and tear me down, and then, when he's feeling better, he expects me to kiss and cuddle him and act like nothing is wrong. If I don't, he acts wounded and tells me that I have a problem with him. It's enough to drive a person mad.

Donkey, you're probably right that he is just bluffing, but it's a form of withholding, like emotional abuse, because they know they can leave to shut you up and hurt you, and then come back whenever they want. I don't know why I can't just say, "Fine, leave!" and let him go. There's this part of me that takes over and feels like dirt because he's leaving, like it's because I'm garbage. Even though, rationally, I know that's not true, it feels like that in the moment.

Sigh... .I guess at least I know WHY I do it. I just have to figure out how to get stronger. 

[Lucky Jim]

Sigh... .I guess at least I know WHY I do it. I just have to figure out how to get stronger.

The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Strive to be authentic.  Look within, not to him, in order to find your self-worth.  Be yourself, as you put it.  Learn to love yourself, so much so that you will no longer tolerate being the object of someone's abuse.  I suggest you decline to participate in hurtful conversations.  Set firm boundaries for yourself (you can read up on Boundaries by clicking the Tools button, above).  For example, if he attacks you, tell him to stop or you will leave the room.  If he persists, leave the room.  If he continues, go for a walk.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[formflier]

So... .did i read it correctly that he is working?  Or in a training class to work?

Just curious... what is wrong with the car?  Didn't he just drive it a bunch?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

P.S.  I try to avoid all-or-nothing, stay-or-go thinking, because I tend to freeze up.  The reality is that there are many solutions to any particular problem, so don't limit yourself.  Instead, maybe you could give yourself permission to think creatively about your situation and see if there are any other alternatives that occur to you.

LJ

[Radcliff]

Hi WitzEndWife, I am so sorry to hear that you had such a rough weekend.  Don't get too discouraged, and certainly don't be hard on yourself.  You both were out of practice after being apart for a month.

I know this all seems overwhelming, and it has to be terribly frustrating to not feel like you have a handle on things, but your intellectual understanding of the situation seems very good.  Yes, it's a hard challenge to get your emotions and intellect in line together, and then to follow through in the heat of the moment, but you'll master that.  For now, just understanding the dynamics is huge.  Give yourself some credit for getting to that point!

You know that people do things because they get a payoff, right?  When he belittles you and throws you off balance, then pulls away, and his acceptance determines your feelings of self worth, you beg him to come back so you can feel better.  Imagine the payoff for someone who is afraid of abandonment.  If you are begging him to come back, he feels safe that you won't leave him.  He creates a wound that you need him to heal.  Stimulus-response, from Psych 101.  He wounds you and is rewarded by the opposite of abandonment -- you cling.  So he wounds you again, and again.  You need to break the cycle.  Eliminate the payoff.

You can find the wherewithall to pull this off.  Even if you don't feel too confident, "fake it until you make it."  Act.  Maybe it will be a time when the wound is not too large, and you're not thrown too off balance.  Don't act out, try to wound him back, or make a big production out of it.  Just don't chase and cling.  Close the gap between you part way by validating the valid, and if you've violated your principles, apologize with warmth and confidence, but don't be the one that does *all* the work to get you back together.  Hold back a bit.  Make it clear that you're open to reconciliation, but make him do some work.  He will be surprised when you do this, and may react negatively at first.  But then *you* will be surprised when he finally makes a move.  If you're too clingy, he won't.  If you are too hard on him he won't, but if you nail it and wait, you'll eventually score your first victory.  And oh, b.t.w. when you pull this off, you'll have triumphed over rejection from a position of strength.  It takes practice and you won't be perfect but if you keep building this muscle you'll be able to tackle bigger and bigger situations.  You can totally do this!

Definitely read up on boundaries, as Lucky Jim suggested.  One of the most important things to remember about boundaries is that they describe what *you* do in response to something.  It is helpful if you talk about the consequences beforehand, and even more helpful if you get buy-in, but you don't have to get permission to establish a boundary.  For example, if he calls you something nasty, you might leave the room for 20 minutes, telling him you need to take some time and you'll be right back.  No drama.  You are controlling your own behavior.  Maybe as a bonus he'll change the behavior.  But your payoff is removing yourself from hurtful exposure to the verbal garbage.

Which brings me to the trolling thing.  If you hold values of tolerance deep in your heart, it seems like this would be very upsetting, particularly if you feel an obligation to protect others from vitriol emanating from your home.  But are you trying to control your behavior or his?  Are you likely to be satisfied with the outcome?  How might it look if your response was for *you* to behave in a way that minimized how upset you were?  What approaches might you take?  Would you be more likely to be satisfied with the outcome?

This is hard work.  You are doing well.  When you see all these folks posting on your thread it is not a coincidence.  It is because we believe in you!

Wentworth

[donkey2016]

Hi,

How long have you been together? Sorry if you have already posted that somewhere. I'm asking because the first two years I used to be very upset when my ex BPD boyfriend "broke up with me" and begging him to take me back. Over time I still got upset but also fed up and also sometimes wishing that he would really end it. I don't think I would have been able to break up with him the first two years, but then again I didn't know what I was dealing with. I thought it would become better over time. It didn't become better I just became more detached and didn't care so much as in the beginning.

Put yourself first. You owe that to yourself.

Donkey2016

[Lucky Jim]

I thought it would become better over time. It didn't become better I just became more detached and didn't care so much as in the beginning.

I thought the same thing, donkey2016, but it didn't play out that way.  Despite numerous attempts at couples therapy, things continued to get worse, until we finally separated.

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

We've been together for 3.5 years, married for 1 year and 10 months now. It wasn't always this way. The arguments started a little bit before we got married, but at first I thought it was due to him having an alcohol problem, because we would fight whenever he got drunk, and he was obnoxious. But, once the U.S. Presidential election started, and his political views started to shift, we, like many couples, began to disagree quite a lot, and, due to the nature of BPD, our arguments got explosive pretty quickly. These arguments sent him further into his corner, and I further into mine. He began feverishly reading up on conspiracy theories, and would often mention them or attempt to make me watch a video on them before bed, which often sparked an argument.

When we lived in another state, I was often the one who would leave the house, and he would chase me down. Since we have moved, he has been the one to leave, and I have been the one to chase. I don't know what shifted that dynamic exactly. I guess, at first, I was worried that he would hurt himself, because he often threatened jumping off a bridge.

Now, there's just constant tension, constant bickering. The air is thick with discontent. Last night, he picked me up from work, seeming somewhat gloomy. I tried asking him about his day. He had a glum answer. When we got home, he went promptly upstairs. I found him in the bed, with an eye mask on, head under the pillow. I said, "What's wrong?" He said, "I'm just tired." I said, "Okay, then," and went downstairs. An hour went by, and I was hungry, so I fixed myself a small dinner, and decided to watch a Netflix movie. An hour into the movie, he came downstairs and said, "You had dinner without me?" I said, "Well, you were sleeping and I was hungry." With that he sulked into the kitchen and fixed himself something, and ate in the dining room without saying much. After my movie had finished, he was outside walking the dog, so I went upstairs and got into bed. When he came back, I heard him loudly chattering with his mother on the phone, walking around the house, happy as a flower in sunshine.

When he got off the phone, he went back into "gloomy" mode, and sulked into bed. I said, "I wish you would be even a fraction as happy to talk to me as with your mom." He said, "I was just checking up with her on a project we were doing together. Besides, you were on Netflix all night." I said, "I was on Netflix because I was feeling lonely and you were sleeping." He replied, "I wasn't asleep." I said, "Well, you didn't come downstairs." He said, "You could have come in to check on me, and ask me about dinner." Of course, because if I don't do all the work, it's my fault. But anyway, more bickering ensued. It didn't escalate, because he was in "gloomy mode" where his behavior is weak and subdued. This is where I look like a bully if I get angry at him for anything.

I don't know how to get out of the cycle of him accusing me of not loving him, and also the anger and resentment I feel because of that, and because I am neglected in the relationship a lot of the time now. I feel like, in recent months, he sees me as this person whose thoughts and feelings are irrelevant and invalid. I'm like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons, just "Wah wah wah -ing" without being heard or understood. He has moments of clarity, where he does listen to me, so I know that he is capable, but his anger has completely taken over, and, now that we no longer live with my parents, I am the bad guy. Is there a way out of being the bad guy?

I guess I shouldn't focus on that, and only focus on keeping my sanity at this point. When he starts in on me, I will leave the room. If he continues, I will leave the house. If he threatens to leave, I will practice letting him go.

I guess a boundary I could set is that I don't want to hear him accusing me of not caring or not loving him. I don't want to be called names. I don't want to be drilled into the ground for making a simple mistake.

I think focusing on action will give me strength. Thank you all for your advice here. I really appreciate the support.

[formflier]

The comment you made about feeling invalid is likely him projecting... .or pushing his feelings towards you.

Or, the result of him acting out on the way he feels, which can lead you to (rightfully so) feel neglected and ignored... .because... .he is neglecting and ignoring your feelings.

The big picture on how to get him to stop... .

1.  He wants to change and does intensive therapy.  Likely you will be involved in your own therapy as well.

or
 
2.  You continue erecting boundaries and "force the issue" about what is acceptable in your relationship or not.  Understanding that he may choose to leave the relationship, rather than paying attention to your actual feelings.


Small coaching tip:  When you see behavior you would like him to do, make it about him... make it about you... .leave everyone else out.

So... .instead of... ."I wish you would talk to me like you talk to your mother"  (see how you are bringing others "into" your r/s)... .make it about you... .make it a compliment... .keep it positive.  If he wants to drive it into the ditch... .then respect his choice... express disappointment... .move along. 

But... keep it about you and your r/s with him.

"I enjoy hearing you so excited about your project" (don't mention another person)


For the dinner alone thing... .try to be completely none defensive and non jade.

"So... you had dinner without me... "

"Yes... .the xyz is excellent, would you like to join me"  (I'm assuming by this point you know where "those" type of questions are going, so that is a place to leave the argument)

Also... there is something fundamentally disarming about agreeing with a person... .because... here is the thing... .you did have dinner without him. 

Hang in there...

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Be careful about blame-shifting, which is what those w/BPD do in order to get things off their plate and onto yours.  For example, it was your "fault" because you had dinner without him while he was sleeping.  Or, it was your "fault" because you didn't check on him to see if he wanted dinner.  The goal, I suggest, is to avoid taking on blame for things that are not your responsibility.  He's an adult; he can get up if he wants to join you for dinner; you're not responsible for making sure that he eats.  Does that make sense?  In other words, don't carry his rocks in your backpack.

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

Yes, Lucky, that makes total sense. I feel like I have really regressed when it comes to not JADE-ing. Lately, it feels like all I do is JADE. It's hard because his attacks on me can be very mean and cut right to the quick. When he belittles me or acts like I'm stupid, it takes me to that dark place.

For example, yesterday, he changed his phone number to one with our city's area code, and he needed me to transfer money into his account to pay him back for something he'd purchased. So, I used my bank's app, and transferred the money to his new phone number. However, he had not changed his phone number with the bank, and so was panicking about where the money had gone. He became furious, and said to me, "Why would you DO that?" over and over, even after I'd apologized for doing it. He wanted to rake me over the coals and grind me into the ground over it. He raged and lectured and scolded me. I became distraught and upset. I JADEd and then I began hitting myself (something I've taken to doing rarely, but when I feel helpless against his berating - like maybe I can get him to stop verbally abusing me if I physically hit myself).

It's bad, I know. I don't want it to escalate past this point and I need to de-escalte it for my own safety and mental health. I was in such control months ago, I had such a sense of calm. Why I feel so out of control now is a mystery. All I can do is try again and hope for the best.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WEW, I'm sorry to hear that things have escalated to the point that you want to hurt yourself, which I consider a crisis of sorts.  Do you have a T with whom you can discuss this development?  Your health and safety come first.  Concerning your last argument with your H, it seems like you were trying to reason with an irrational person, which is unlikely to be productive.  Why you feel out of control is no mystery for those of us who have lived with a person suffering from BPD.  Suggest you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself.

LJ