Visitation ideas for mediation with babies father

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My son is 9 months old I have been in court with his father since my son was a month old. We are ordered to go to mediation shortly and I'm trying to find a good schedule for my 9 month old son. For the first time we went to court when my son was 4 weeks old he had 3 two hour visits and one overnight every Friday night till Saturday at 1pm. He took me back again to get more time before mediation . we agreed on this schedule two months ago which is he has every Monday and Thursday overnight till next morning at 10am. And then we rotate the weekends out he has him every other friday-Sunday at noon. My little one isn't adjusting to the every other weekend though because when I get him back that Sunday at noon he goes right back Monday night for the overnight again.his father even let me know that he only sleeps for 3 hours at a time. With me when he is on a normal routine he sleeps 7 hers straight,  Any ideas. I have 67 percent and the babies father has 33 percent right now. I was thinking of two different ideas so far such as the first one two suggest :
Instead of every Monday overnight to have a Tuesday evening visit from 5-8pm. And then keep the Thursday overnight with every other Friday -Sunday at noon the way it is.
The other idea I had was let him have him every wednesday evening -Friday morning and than every other Saturday morning till Sunday at noon ? Any other ideas would be appreciated id like to stick with the 65 to 35 percent idea.

[leya]

My son is 9 months old I have been in court with his father since my son was a month old. We are ordered to go to mediation shortly and I'm trying to find a good schedule for my 9 month old son. For the first time we went to court when my son was 4 weeks old he had 3 two hour visits and one overnight every Friday night till Saturday at 1pm. He took me back again to get more time before mediation . we agreed on this schedule two months ago which is he has every Monday and Thursday overnight till next morning at 10am. And then we rotate the weekends out he has him every other friday-Sunday at noon. My little one isn't adjusting to the every other weekend though because when I get him back that Sunday at noon he goes right back Monday night for the overnight again.his father even let me know that he only sleeps for 3 hours at a time. With me when he is on a normal routine he sleeps 7 hers straight,  Any ideas. I have 67 percent and the babies father has 33 percent right now. I was thinking of two different ideas so far such as the first one two suggest :
Instead of every Monday overnight to have a Tuesday evening visit from 5-8pm. And then keep the Thursday overnight with every other Friday -Sunday at noon the way it is.
The other idea I had was let him have him every wednesday evening -Friday morning and than every other Saturday morning till Sunday at noon ? Any other ideas would be appreciated id like to stick with the 65 to 35 percent idea.

[flourdust]

How often do you want to go back to mediation?

Infants and toddlers rapidly change their sleep patterns as they grow. What's disruptive now is something he will sleep through soundly in a few months' time, and then in another year, he will refuse to sleep anywhere.

It might be better to not set a precedent that you're going to go back to a mediator or court at every developmental stage and think more long-term.

[leya]

I would like to not have to go back to mediation till he is about to be in school if need be. And yes that does make sense. Do any of my suggestions sound like a good plan ? Currently he has every Monday overnight and every Thursday overnight and ten every other Friday thru Sunday at noon. He has 33 percent I have 67 percent. The other factor is im no longer working and he works Monday thru Friday but when its time to exchange him back during the work week and the two Fridays a month he has him during the day he insists he be in daycare when I have offered to watch our son even if its considered his time but he is working and he has turned it down.

[flourdust]

Custody % is generally calculated by overnights, so your proposal to remove one of his overnights in favor of an evening visit is probably not going to go over well. It's more effective to simply propose a change in which overnights he has rather than tinker with start times and end times.

[leya]

Do you have any suggestions because I don't want to change the schedule from what we have now too much.also he works during the week Monday thru Friday im able to be at home with our son when I have him and have offered to even watch him on his two Fridays a month he has him on right now. But he is determined to put him in daycare even on the days our son comes back to me on Tuesday morning even im just not quite sure what suggestion for the schedule to make if he wants to chAnge it at all any ideas ?

[livednlearned]

Dropping off your baby at daycare when you could be with him is frustrating  

And I can see how the current schedule would be upsetting, especially when you want your baby to get a good night's rest.

How does it work if you aren't able to come to agreement in mediation? Do you end up back in front of the judge?

Do you suspect that your ex wants more time for child support reasons, or do you see him genuinely wanting to bond with your son?

[leya]

yes as a mother I really just want what is best for our son. And yes im trying to coparent well but the babys father doesn't listen to anything I have to say. I have our son every Monday during the day till he gets him at 5pm and he is returned to me Tuesday morning. His father doesn't work that far from where I live but im willing to meet him 4 min from his job at 7:30am to get our son. He still drops him off at daycare and I have to go get him there in the morning. He does this on he Friday mornings to that are mine every other week.

In answer to your questions if we can't come to terms or agreement than the mediator will let the judge know and we will be scheduled to have a hearing with our lawyers and the judge decides at that point but I did some research and the judge does ask the mediator there perspective of each parent ect. ... .
Yes his father told me he only sleeps a maximum of 3 hours with him and he sleeps 7 usually straight with me but when I get him back,from him the little one is exhausted and all he wants to do is sleep which shows he isn't getting the rest he should when he is there.

And yes I do believe its more about the child support of why he had pushed in the past for more overnights he started out having one overnight a week when our son was 5 weeks old. He wanted to start it at only 4 weeks old .I don't have anything against him having some time during the week or weekend with him but I don't understand wanting him for overnights no good father even that i know wants to have a baby at night. Plus its not really spending time with them when they are sleeping or should be sleeping.


Do you have any suggestions of maybe a good schedule for me to think on to bring to court, im making a list of some to show im willing to be flexible , to a degree. Also im a stay at home mom. Im able to stay at home with our son im married and have means to do so because he was always getting sick every time he is in daycare. Just last week he was sick for two weeks . his father argues its good for him to build immune system but I disagree when its that often I think it does more harm than good.

The schedules below I have thought of please let me know any suggestions of something else that you might think might work better to maybe suggest ?

Because his father isn't coparenting very well id really like to stick with a similar percentage of what we have now.

The first schedule would be to keep the schedule the way it is now and then get in writing that he is to drop him off to me before going to work instead of daycare and to allow me to take care of him the two Fridays a month he has him while he is at work instead of putting him into daycare he would still hurt credit for the overnight.

Second option would be to do every Tuesday evening visit from 5-8pm. And then every Thursday night overnight and then every other Friday evening to Sunday at 12pm, id even be willing to bump the time Sunday to 3pm.
Third option would be to allow Monday evening and wednesdAY evening visits from 5-8pm.  and then every other week have the Wednesday evening visit and then the Friday evening to Sunday at 3pm. To allow him to still see him during the weeks and have no reason to have to put him in daycare.

Fourth option,would be to allow him to have him every Wednesday and Thursday evening overnight I get our son back Friday morning and then he gets him every other Saturday morning to Sunday at 3pm.

Or the 5th option would be every other Friday evening at 5pm to Sunday at 3pm and Wednesday visit from 5-8pm. Or overnight.

[livednlearned]

The best advice I can give is to ask for more than what you actually want so that when you compromise, your ex will feel like he won, or at the very least, that you didn't win. 

About the daycare drop off being inconvenient... .you may want to ask for it, but be prepared to let it go. The court may see it as one less interaction between you too.

I'm also guessing that your ex is well aware it's an inconvenience to you to drive to the daycare, that's why it's appealing to him.

That, or he genuinely wants to limit his interactions with you because it's too emotionally complex to navigate.

His comment about building up an immune system is one I've heard from teachers and doctors before -- that the immune system is like a muscle that has to be exercised. And the more he works his way through viruses at a young age, the less likely he will miss a lot of school at age 5.

Only reason I mention this is that if you can find a way to see your ex as a competent father, the more he may be willing to work toward your praise.

Sometimes it depends on whether your ex is able to be generally cooperative and not dangerous. If he can cooperate, then you can use some of the skills like EAR (empathy, attention, respect) that Bill Eddy describes (author of Splitting).

What is the ideal schedule for the baby, the one you want? What is the second most reasonable and so forth?

[flourdust]

I would avoid the options that include evening visits. They are the most challenging to schedule, are most disrupted by temporary changes like illness or special events, impact his overnights, and are going to have to be renegotiated when the kid gets to school age if not before. Your first and fourth options seem OK, and perhaps you could combine them if you are concerned about daycare when you are available.

Do you have a proposed holiday schedule? Vacation schedule? Right of first refusal? Good things to sketch out if you haven't done so.

[leya]

Yes good points on all of that. Im going to talk to our sons pediatrician and she will probably write something about our sons health.

Also I think in regards to his father I think he does things out of spite towards me. He was raised in getting what he wants etc... he has no idea how to compromise.

The schedule that id think that would be ideal for our son would be

For him to have a Wednesday visit with him and than every other Friday evening to Sunday at 3pm.

The second most reasonable schedule I can think of would be would for him to have a Monday visit in evening and than also a Wednesday evening visit and every other Friday evenings to Sunday at 3pm.

Or third option would be every Wednesday overnight and directed to drop him off only to me Thursday morning and then every other Friday thru Sunday at 3pm.

 My proposed holiday thoughts because some others say keeping track of all whose holiday is whose. Im really trying to do what will in the future make the most sense for our son when he is older even.

So for that my thoughts would be for all,little holidays would be whoever has him on their weekend or day its there time with him.

And,for major holidays like Easter , thanksgiving and Christmas we split the day unless we already have that holiday day split with the timeshare plan already else we find a way to split. The calendar rotates every holiday and all on its own too.

For a vacation schedule I haven't really thought about because they don't normly do one for one so little.

But I would be ok with agreeing to allowing him 1 week a year vacation with notice and dates and times and location of where our son will be and contact numbers to check on him ect... .And then when our son is 4 id bump it to allowing two weeks a year but that they have to be two separate vacations.

[flourdust]

Just curious why you think evening visits are preferable to overnights?

[livednlearned]

Any chance you can propose a graduated schedule? Might be difficult if there is already a precedent, but I know that others here have shared schedules that change according to the child's age. It seems to depend on the family law court how they view these different combinations.

Have you been through mediation before or is this your first time?

[leya]

The main reason I think it is , is because he would still be getting to see him till pretty much our sons bedtime. What's the difference in the hours he is sleeping he isn't spending time with him anyways.

I wouldn't mind proposing a schedule that we could maybe modify when he is a bit older bur im not sure if I can I would have to ask my attny about that. And no I have never been,to mediation before this is first time in going . I just really don't want our son to somehave any security issues or to much back n forth to where its confusing for him when he is older.

The options involving overnights would be :
One keep the option it is now but make sure to have it written down he is to deliver him back to me and let me watch him the two Fridays a month he has him but is working. Or

Every other Friday to Sunday at 3pm plus one midweek overnight

Or

Every other Saturday to Sunday at 3pm and every Wednesday overnight and Thursday overnight but get it in writing I have him Thursday during his fathers working hours. And every other Saturday to Sunday at 3pm.

Any other suggestions of maybe a good idea ?

[Catsmother]

Just to throw a cat amongst the pigeons. What do you see happening when you return to the workforce? You only talk about the father working. Surely, at some stage in the future you will be working, so you will need to take that into account. There are a lot of families out there with two working parents. They use day care. Children survive. And remember, it does limit your interactions with each other. And he is the one paying for daycare, not you.

I like livednlearned's suggestion about a graduated schedule. A 1 year old's routine will vary to that of a 2 year old and so on. And you mention that you didn't really want to go back to mediation until school age. Children adapt. After all, when they go to school they have to learn a different routine and a different set of rules. It is part of life.

Just being a little realistic here. And you are proposing dropping the child's time with the father, so be prepared for some pushback, regardless of his personality traits.

[leya]

In answer to your questions about me returning to the workforce. I am married and my husband doesn't mind if I work or stay home but we have decided for me to stay home with my and my exes son and im also expecting with my husband and due in march. And than we will not be able to afford $1600 for daycare a month for two children. My ex isn't paying for the daycare amount in full we split it in half but with me no longer working I am able to be at home with our little one so there is no need for daycare if I do return to the workforce it will be something I can do from home.

Yes I do like the option,of a graduate schedule not sure if they will do that though. And im not wanting to cut his time,out just some overnights if anything but still,give him the visiting times or a few less overnights to make it easier on our son. I mean realisticallyon the Monday overnights he has with him now he gets him at 5pm our son should be sleeping around 8:30 or 9pm to at least 5am. Then he gets ready for work. So I mean a 5pm -8pm,visit isn't terrible in that sense for part of the time . do you have any ideas what a schedule for a one year could be ?

[flourdust]

Replacing overnights with "visits of a few hours" is a substantial cut and reduces his custody percentage. Several of us have said this. It's hard to hear something you don't want to believe, but you'll do better in mediation if you are realistic.

[leya]

What type of plan would suggest for me to consider than? Right now the temporary order is his father gets Monday overnights and Thursday overnights weekly and than every other Friday thru Sunday at 12pm
 
And the idea I had wouldn't been to completely cut overnights out but to do every other weekend still with either one middle week visit or a midweek overnight with the agreement in writing he is to drop our son back off to me in the morning before going to work. P.s I more than willing to meet him 4 min from his job

[leya]

Or should I ask to just keep the schedule the way it is now and ask that he drop him off to me. His father has two nights one week and then 4 the next but the way it is set up is that our son is not away from either parent for more than 3 days at a time. Any ideas that might work ?

[flourdust]

What type of plan would suggest for me to consider than? Right now the temporary order is his father gets Monday overnights and Thursday overnights weekly and than every other Friday thru Sunday at 12pm

So that's four overnights out of fourteen, or a custody ratio of 29/71%. Are you looking for the same ratio for the permanent custody plan? Normally, courts prefer not to have huge gaps of time away from either parent, so splitting things up like your current plan is favorable. Those are the guiding principles I'd use in proposing a permanent arrangement.

What does your ex want? Does he want more custody time? If your ex wants to argue for 50% time, then you're going to be having a very different conversation. If he wants to change the arrangement, then I suggest you spend less time trying to propose a particular schedule and instead figure out what you are willing to negotiate in terms of overall custody %.

[leya]

He has two overnights every other week and then the other two weeks he has 4 but split up with the Monday overnight and then the Thursday overnight thru Sunday at 12pm. I believe that he has 12 overnights a month right now they said the timeshare is i have 67 percent and he has 33 percent.

I would like to keep the same type of percentage the way it is yes. 
And im not really sure what he wants. The way he is isn't very predictable. And he just wants whatever will get him out of the most child support which I don't find that he really wants genuine quality time with our son.

Im just trying to be prepared for whatever is to be discussed at mediation but if he ends up wanting more custody the most id be wiling to agree to would be a ratio of me having 65 percent or 60 and him 35 to 40 and
Holidays im willing to split the major holidays like thanksgiving , Christmas ect with him like the actual holiday so all families can,see him on the holiday. And then there is no tug of war with you had him this holiday so I want him next etc... .

[ForeverDad]

Back in the day, when I was a freshman, I got the school's medal for Plane Geometry.  So I'm a bit perplexed.  If the father gets 2 overnights one week and then 4 overnights the next week, which includes the alternate weekend, then isn't he getting 6 overnights and you 8 overnights every two weeks?  If so, then that would be 43% vs 57%.  That's calculating just overnights, not the partial days, so maybe it's not that bad in your area?  Still, I mention it because many child support calculations and IRS income tax forms use overnights and not the strict assignment of hours.

As for holidays, most states have standardized on parents getting alternate holidays and then reversing it the next year.  For example, in summers you may get Memorial Day and Labor day (and not Independence Day) one year then the next you'd get only Independence Day.  So while you may phrase that as a concession to your ex, it is standard except when there's basis not to do it equally.  One reason for the non-primary parent to get less might be when the parents live far apart and frequent exchanges are impractical.

My county has a 'guideline' schedule, not mandatory, for children under 3 years of age where there are short but more frequent visits with the non-primary parent.  I think the spacing was about every 3 or 4 days.  Children 3 years and older would have a reduced number of visits, usually alternate weekends (maybe 2 overnights) and just one (or two) evenings or overnights in between.  For example, it could be Fri & Sat, skip to Wednesday or Thursday, skip to Monday or Tuesday, then repeat every two weeks.

I lived with a temp order as non-primary parent for over two years when I separated and during the divorce.  My son was still 3 years old when it started.  I had 3 overnights one alternate weekends and 1 3-hour evening on a Thursday in between.

[leya]

That's probably right with the amount of overnights I was going by how many overnights a month my ex was getting.

The court said he has 33 percent and that I have 67 percent. It is tough to do a schedule due to him working and me being able to stay at home with our son etc... .

Would it seem reasonable to do every other weekend from Thursday to Sunday at 12pm with a Tuesday evening visit from 5-8pm? Or so. Our son is only sleeping there a maximum of 3 hours at a time with me he sleeps a straight 7 hrs straight.

Or do you have any other ideas that might work ? Or is the schedule we have good ?

[livednlearned]

Remember, too, that in mediation you don't have to agree to any changes. Lawyers will press for you to compromise and tell you that you'll get something better than what you might get in court. That is generally true for low-conflict cases, but not always true for high-conflict cases.

I don't have a comment about schedule, only to say that some of your logic may work against you in mediation and/or court. For example:

he would still be getting to see him till pretty much our sons bedtime. What's the difference in the hours he is sleeping he isn't spending time with him anyways.

That logic could be used for both of you. Why care about having your son overnight if he sleeps through the night 7 hours? I'm not siding with your ex, only pointing out that this logic is not likely to help you in mediation. The part of your logic that makes the most sense is caring for your son on days that he is in daycare.

And this:

Our son is only sleeping there a maximum of 3 hours at a time with me he sleeps a straight 7 hrs straight.

Probably won't go far because baby's and toddler's sleep schedules are often disrupted, even in the best of circumstances, and can change. Your ex could also argue that more time with his son would help stabilize his sleep schedule, since he feels unfamiliar with him.

You may find it easier to argue that your son should spend time with you instead of being dropped off in daycare, although courts in general seem to support having a neutral exchange site like a daycare for high-conflict parents.

It is probably painful for your ex to bring his son to your new home, see you pregnant, know that you are with someone else, even if he ended the relationship... .

[Catsmother]

In Australia we don't call it visitation, we call it spends time with. The courts here have recognised that both parents play a pivotal role in the raising of children. Visitation really sounds like something that happens with grandparents.

It is a shame that you failed to mention your current living arrangements in your first post, and as lnl says, it is probably painful for your ex to see your current arrangements.

You are looking at reducing his overnights. Please do not claim that it is just a few hours when the baby is asleep, as the same could be applied to you. Saying that he will still be getting to see him until bedtime is a crock. It is knowing that your child is in your house, and in your care that matters. Whether they are asleep or not is not what matters, it is knowing that they are there.

You said that he likes to be in control. But that is all you have said about him. What other traits are you suggesting that he has that make you think he is BPD? A lot of parents who are not considered to be the 'custodial' parent could be considered to be controlling. But that is based on their desire for the children to be in their care for longer periods of time.

[leya]

To livenlearned:  just curious on a part about why would it hurt my ex that I've moved on? He didn't want anything to do with me when I was pregnant with our son, I was accused of cheating and that our son wasnt his and never cheated on him at all. He wanted me to get an abortion and didn't even want our son and i went thru that whole pregnancy on my own.  Now since dealing with him with our son he is still very negative about me in general and,I never did anything to him.

Also in not asking for him to drop our son off at my and my husband home I have only ever asked to do exchanges at target which is neutral for both of us and close to his job.

[leya]

In response to catsmother,

My ex didn't support me at all in the pregnancy , wanted me to have an abortion and all. He didn't want our son whatsoever. His mother didn't want me at their house anymore when she all along was letting me come over and a spend nights there throughout the week or weekend when we were,together. They treated me like I did something terrible,to him .



As soon as our son was born I was slammed with court papers when our son was two weeks and had court when our son was 4 weeks old. I was still healing and at that time,had a job was trying to enjoy my maturity leave because he had made my pregnancy so stressful with negativity towards me.
In spite of everything I still let him,see our son I never kept our son,from him
 
But he does like to try and to intimidate to get his own,way sometimes. Like just when there was a hurricane 3 days away from hitting the area we are in he asked to get our son earlier from daycare I said that was fine and he had just said he wanted to spend more time with him since he was off after he got him he sent me and,FYI in,heading to,Georgia with our son. And will,not be bringing him back till Tuesday most likely. I didn't see our son for 5 days he took him into a very unfamiliar environment and right when we went thru a storm. There was no questions asked or any consideration,given before he just left with him. He had our son in a carsear for 14 hrs one way and then again another 8 on the way bAck. Our son didn't want to be in a carsear for several,weeks and,still doesn't like it apt anymore due to that. He also came back,sick and with a yeast infection.

[livednlearned]

just curious on a part about why would it hurt my ex that I've moved on?

If he is BPD, he likely projected some other primary caregiver onto you, and saw you primarily through those past hurts. So you can only understand his emotions from that point of view -- what existed before you.

In other words, you are playing a character in a play about abandonment. He sees the character, not you, the person acting out that character's role.

It always felt to me like my ex equated anger with love, which is what defined his relationship with his BPD mom. So, the only way he could feel that I loved him was if I was angry at him. Except I don't get angry easily, and that made him feel unloved.

Which made him angrier. And the cycle repeated.

In other words, anger was about emotional arousal to him, a super dysfunctional and interpersonally stressful and unsuccessful way to love.

Your ex is probably getting something out of his contact with you, if only to keep the core wound of rejection/abandonment he felt as a child alive (he is sticking to the script he knows). That feeling, as awful as it may be, could be preferable to feeling nothing, no play/script at all.

And his insistence on having your son more may be wanting to punish you (taking away something you love more than him) or it could be about child support, or both.

Also in not asking for him to drop our son off at my and my husband home I have only ever asked to do exchanges at target which is neutral for both of us and close to his job.

He may experience this as a power struggle -- he likely feels he has no control, and wants some.

This is about emotion, not logic.

[ForeverDad]

Also, this likely is a huge boundaries issue as well.  You try to set boundaries.  Then he hits them by ignoring them or filing in court to get his way.  I don't know what happened in court but I wonder if you tried to be "fair" (as us Nice Guys and Nice Gals try to be) and so he got more time.  Then that win encouraged him to seek more.  And now you're wondering how you can "appease" him with some more concessions.  At least that's an impression I'm getting.  And appeasing does not work, not long term.

I can't blame him for seeking more time.  I'm a dad too and I can understand that.  But... .you see that he has big issues that can impact his parenting and negatively impact your child, barely a toddler at this point.  If he has significant issues then you need to be less concerned about being fair and instead being more concerned and focused on maintaining strong boundaries.  Sadly, making deals will likely weaken your boundaries and make them appear to him even more inviting to challenge.  There's also the practical aspect, if it can't be settled and the court has to decide, you need to present as strong a case for your parenting versus his parenting.  It may not be a great decision but more often than not the court will be "less unfair" than the ex.

What I'm saying is that if he has BPD behaviors and perceptions then he will be unwilling to seek a middle ground.  Theirs is a Black Or White world, no grays, all or nothing, no middle ground.  That is a pervasive long-term perception for them, unless they are in long term therapy and making substantive progress toward recovery.  Is he in any meaningful therapy?

[leya]

No he is not he is suppose to be on medicine for bipolar and slight physofrania tendencies but he said that those made him feel weird and very depressed so he stopped taking them when he was younger. I did ask the attorney about it but the attny said that if he proves to be able to function. Hold a job down and all without medicine they will not do anything about that in terms of the timeshare with our son.

This is still very concerning for me as a mother. I just really want what is best for our son is what I really want. And don't think he needs any more timesharing right now with our son he is only 9 months and it seems pretty fair the only thing that concerns me is our son not sleeping well at all over there.

And yes I have tried to be fair but not to appease him but just trying to be the bigger person because I do think its important for our son to have his real father in his life if possible.

 But at the same token I highly struggle trying to be a good mother And don't want a schedule when he is older that does not provide our son with a stable home environmwnt ect. ... .And I'm trying to find. Good schedule that could work when he is in school where we don't have to keep going to mediation.

So basically should I keep the schedule the way it is now?  Or is there any other good schedule that might work well too?
Or should if he is unwilling to keep the schedule the way it is now or close to the ratio,should I let it go to a judge? My lawyer always stresses that if you do go to a judge that you don't know what they will decide and could do 50-50 at any given time if its left up to them. Also the whole daycare thing is a concerning issue too as like today is his day with our son but he is working and i have offered to meet him and watch our son and bring him back to him after work for his weekend with him and he still insists on having him in daycare all day instead of letting our sons own mother watch him. I think that definitely needs to be changed or put in writing or explained in detail to him or something.

[flourdust]

Hi again, Leya. You've got three pages of advice on this thread now -- can you tell us what you've learned that you find helpful or not helpful?

We also have a board called Coparenting or Step-parenting after the Split. That's a good place to get some perspective on some of the issues you have dealing with your ex ... .how to manage your parenting relationship with him, figuring out on balance what is best for your son, seeing through fear and hope to realistic options, and so on. I think it would be a good idea for you to introduce yourself there and get some advice from those members.