Whats your opinion

[Stepmum87]

ats your opinion

« Sent to: :)addyBear77 on: October 04, 2017, 07:47:57 AM »

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Hi there,

I was just wondering what your thoughts are behind 'meeting my step kid's mother who has BPD'?
I have been with my loving partner for 4 years. He has a 5yr old boy and 8yr old daughter who we have 50% of the time. They dont remeber a time that i was not in their life. The 4 of us function very well as a family. I have never been able to meet the their mother as her moods are so explosive, any mention of me and she loses the plot at my partner. My partner and I never speek badly about her to the kids, we believe that it is important the kids dont hear about their mother being scrutinized. I accidentally bumped in to her about 3 days in to our relationship as she showed up at my partners house and she hit me across the face and verbally abused us both in front of the kids. I dont like confrontation and went very silent and backed away. Since then she has rammed my car with hers in my driveway on xmas. Every week she shows the same behioural cycles and my partner and i feel her meeting me would be of no benefit at all. But she uses this as a tool against us all the time and says she wants to meet me... .yet we cant trust her to act appropriately. At the same time, it doesnt feel right not meeting the mother of my stepkids... .what is the right thing to do here?

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[Panda39]

Hi Stepmum87,

I'm not sure if you meant to post or meant to send this as a PM to DaddyBear77, but I'll give you my 2 cents worth.

Of course you want to have a relationship with your stepkids' mom and in the normal world with a normal ex you could, but in your situation I think safety comes first you have been physically assaulted by her and so has your car! 

Keeping your distance does not make you a bad wife, step mom or person it is self care.  Keep your distance you trigger her.

Panda39

[Turkish]

These are criminal acts.  The battery and car ramming might be too stale to report (I'm not a lawyer), but this doesn't sound like a safe situation to be alone with her. 

What do you think?

[Stepmum87]

Thanks for your support. Its helpful to hear that from others that actually understand the BPD behaviour. Most people just tell me to tell her to 'get lost' but in more colourful words... .but it would never work of course. I do agree with you both, its too risky and dangerous. It makes me so sad that a person can be so cruel and legitametaly believe its not their fault... .

[Panda39]

She can't control her emotions and acts out, remember feelings often = facts to someone with BPD, so she feels that you are satan personified therefore in her mind you are.  It is sad but until she has some self awareness and gets help she will be stuck where she is. 

I have been with my SO for 7 years and his uBPDxw's coping mechanisms have never changed, her behaviors which at first were so chaotic to me in the beginning are now mostly predicable.  Wash, rinse, repeat  .

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Are you concerned that she is being violent toward the kids?

Or do you sense her violence is triggered only by you... .

I would be concerned about the impact of her verbal abuse (toward you) on the kids.

In high-conflict custody cases like ours, experts like Richard Warshak (author of Divorce Poison) strongly advise that we be more proactive.

If your husband's ex is behaving this way toward you, there is a good chance she is trying to weaponize the kids, which usually ends up devastating them in some way, even if you don't see any active signs (yet).

You are fortunate that the kids are young and can get a head start on this... .

[GaGrl]

I tried, in the beginning of my relationship with DH, to have a cordial relationship with his uNPD/BPD ex.  There is a reason DH referred to her as The Dark Princess.

I trigger her, just by being who I am.

Then I learned of her previous arrests and peace bonds - used a tire iron to bash in the windshield of a boyfriend's car (BF was in the car), has gone off on a BF several times while in possession of a gun ( actually fired it on one occasion and landed in jail for that one) and was involved in an illegal business for awhile.

I have nothing to do with her. The children are adults, so no reason to interact until the granddaughter gets married.

She can't understand "why Gagrl doesn't like me." I will continue to let her figure it out.

[MidwestNative]

I have been with my SO for 7 years and his uBPDxw's coping mechanisms have never changed, her behaviors which at first were so chaotic to me in the beginning are now mostly predicable.  Wash, rinse, repeat  .

Panda39

It's nice to hear eventually the unpredictability becomes predictable! After about a year of unpredictability, I still find myself reeling after my partner's son's uBPDmom will send a crazy text or 180 her previous decisions about parenting time. Hopefully with time that will change (the reeling not the unpredictability )

I can say meeting my partner's son's mom was just about the most stressful experience of my life. I had wanted to meet her before I met my SS. I had a rather idealistic idea that we could all eventually get along, maybe have Sunday dinners. I naively thought that she just needed to not feel threatened by me and we could all get along.

My partner insisted/ we agreed that we talk to a therapist before I met my SS and before I met uBPDmom. This was a therapist who knew her through the previous parenting counseling and thought she had BPD. In fact it is this therapist that she blew up at and stormed out of the office during a therapy session with my partner. The therapist recommended that I meet my SS first and form a secure not stressful bond (he was a little under 2 years old at that point.) The therapist specifically recommended that I not meet with my SS's mom or at least not do it in my SS's presence. He said it was unnecessary and nothing beneficial would come out of it.

However, once she found out that we were dating, she demanded to "vet me" if I was going to interact with her son. I again thought I could make her see I was no threat and connect with her over our shared love of SS. We agreed to meet in the parking lot of the police station which was just so awkward. At first she was cordial and tried to immediately get my phone number so that we could talk directly. I politely navigated away from this to talk about how awesome her son was. She shifted to bad mouthing my partner who was standing right next to me. I got that anxious I'm going to vomit feeling and we made a polite excuse and a really quick exit after giving kisses to SS. After that she requested meet for longer but we have set up a clear boundary now of no more meet and greets. She just uses them as ways attempt to get information and then yell at my partner. After a few incidents of her yelling at my partner at exchange, we've also had to make a clear no communication in person boundary, which is one-sided (aka her yelling at my partner and him smiling and nodding and walking away with SS). We attempt to smile at her at exchanges and focus on SS all we can.

Basically, if you choose to meet the uBPDex, I would have a very clear escape route especially given her history of violence. Know your body and trust those feelings of danger and get out. But honestly, if I could do it over again I just wouldn't. And given her extreme violence I would say no for your own safety. Put your emotional needs first. At this point you guys are a family and that is what matters. It's beginning to be my strong opinion that you just can't co-parent or include a uBPDmom into your family without taking serious hits to yourself.

Wishing you luck and happiness with your little family!