The counselors think that my son has BPD?

[red35]

I am not really sure what to say starting out... .I just need help. My son cant be diagnosed I've been told... .but he fits the mold of BPD as I been told by 2 different counselors. I just started reading Walking on Eggshells and wow, does it sound like I'm reading my son's biography. I'm tired and this is so hard to deal with. I feel so guilty for even saying I'm tired. This just really wears you out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi red35,

Welcome and hello 

It sounds like your son is a minor? Some psychiatrists won't diagnose teens, whereas there are others who disagree with that approach. If he is a teen, Blaise Aguirre's book BPD in Adolescence is excellent. If money is tight, you can also search for some of his talks on YouTube.

Whether your son is clinically BPD or not, if his behaviors amount to BPD traits, that alone is exhausting.

The skills that help are not intuitive and must be learned. Maybe we can help point you to some that could help in your current circumstance.

What is your son like? What is the most aggravating behavior you are working on?

Glad you found the site, and hope you find some peace knowing that you are not alone.

LnL

[red35]

My son is very smart, talented young man. He currently has been bulling and aggravating his sister. He also has bulimia and will have discussions about eating. He will say I'm not eating tonight. Then I reply yes you are and we go on for a while. THen I get frustrated and say "ok don't eat!" ( I have accidentally slipped up and said I don't care) ( I know I shouldn't ) Then he says "see I knew it! You don't care!~" "Why don't you care"! If I and his sister are talking he will interrupt and keep talking and then when I don't acknowledge him... .he says I don't listen. Or last night, he wanted a snack and he tried to take mine and I said, " you may go downstairs and get your own." He said, " will you go make it?" and I said "no" He then wanted his sister to go do it and I said, "no". He then said ok, I guess I won't eat then. (like it's our fault he didn't eat. It the blame game! I just get so tired! Its like I don't have the energy to go on sometimes. It's so exhausting!

[helpingmyson]

There are a couple of things that stand out to me in what you said. First, the conversation led to him saying, "See, you don't care." You might think that is preposterous, but have you thought about the possibility those feelings are very real for him?

Second, you mentioned he is smart and talented. Have you had high expectations for him (grades, achievements, etc.) since he was younger because of this? Does it upset you when he does not meet those expectations? At some point in his life he may have decided he was not worthy of receiving unconditional love from you, because he did not measure up to what you expected of him. Not that it was your intent, but that's the message his brain may have interpreted.

I mention these things because I believe they contributed to my own son's condition. The dilemma is the kinds of behavior they exhibit can be so frustrating and exhausting that it brings out behavior from US that only makes things worse.

My advice would be that, whenever you encounter difficult behavior from him, view it as a sign something is bothering him instead of, "wow, he is being a jerk." Ask him what is wrong. If he's very upset, wait until he calms down, and then ask him. Even if he does not want to talk about it, you would be showing that you do care.