Concerned about 7 y/o daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Greetings all:

I have benefited greatly from this site and finally worked up the courage to post.  

My Situation:

- My high functioning BPD (mod to severe) ex wife filed for divorce Nov 2017 and maintains primary physical and joint legal custody.
- High Conflict Divorce Custody Battle transpired over 20 months and went to trial
- I now have 38% visitation (mostly in the summer) and maintain 8 overnights per month.
- My history of alcoholism (tea totaler since Jan 2013) and high volume of gross misrepresentations from plaintiff certainly handcuffed my legal position
- Daughter has a 5 y/o brother dx with ASD but has made rapid improvement after intense ABA therapy and parent education
- Both children presented with classic PAS symptoms throughout divorce.  (splitting,physical attacks against dad,uninterested in spending time w/dad even though they rarely got to visit me) but it was cost prohibitive to litigate as local PAS specialist estimated an additional $100k for legal fees on top of $175k I have paid to date in legal fees
- Daughter has mod to severe generalized anxiety (SCARED assessment)

2 CORE PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR DURING EVERY VISIT


1.  ":)ysregulated Silliness"  
From a young age, I have vivid memories of D7 going in and out of a "dysregulated silliness" for lack of a better term.  She will have uncontrollable laughter spells;  she will fall down on the floor and wiggle / shake;  She gets super excited and overwhelms friends (only close friends) by encroaching their personal space and has zero self awareness to their repeated communication to stop.  There is a clear endorphin rush during these spells.  Her "gaze" and eye contact immediately changes and she has reported to me how good she feels during these.  After removing any possible positive reinforcer, no response.  Furthermore, I introduced negative reinforcement to deter the undesired behavior and got no response as well.  After discussing with her at length in private, she does sometimes respond to my cues in social situations and will temporarily stop the behavior.  *After working with Child Psychiatrists years ago, I do recall this as a classic presentation for kids w/ Bi-Polar Disorder which is scary.  She has mentioned on one occasion to me, "If I have another day like this, I can't go on."

2.  "Emotional Dysregulation"

I would call these crying spells but these are different and super intense.  These almost always immediately follow the Dysregulated silliness fits.  Tears gush and / or whiny tearful communication starts.  These happen on average twice on a good day and 15-20 times on a bad day.  I would liken the depth and intensity of these crying spells to something you might see after someone tragically lost their best friend to a car accident or some other major, shocking, terrible event.  They are extremely tiring for her and she honestly cannot describe to me why she feels the way she does.  *I stopped asking about a year ago as I realized that it was embarrassing to her why she didn't know and almost caused further confusion and pain when I would ask.

I now mandate that she excuse herself to herself to her room until she is calm and stable; at which point she is welcome to rejoin the family in the main living areas.  Most of the time I have to escort her to her room but I try not to give any positive reinforcement (like sitting with her in there and talking while she is manic).  Often times she will try rejoin the family shortly thereafter claiming, "I'm calm now."  I promptly re-escort her to her room and typically at this point take video of her for review after she returns to baseline.  (which actually might be helping... .?)

After nightime routine (we play crazy 8's every time and read from her favorite book) she erupts in similar crying fit directly as I get ready to wish her goodnight.  I can't stay and reinforce the behavior so I must exit her room which is heart wrenching.  Sometimes she is able to articulate that she misses her mom and other times she will mention the fit is from living in two separate houses.

- Raging episodes often commingled with the crying  (with no identifiable trigger)  **The duration and intensity of the rages have drastically reduced after I modified my response behavior per direction from my Therapist but still having significant issues with the emotional dysregulation.

- Chronic Boredom.

- Splicing/Editing.  Rages last between 20 min to 1.5 Hrs.  From an early age, she had an inability to recall the events directly leading up to the rage or the rage itself.  At first, I thought this was her not being truthful but now believe it to be a coping technique.


- Her teachers and Sunday School teachers report ZERO emotional outbursts or any emotional issues.  Furthermore, they describe her as quiet and helpful to other children around her. (?)

- Mom also reports infrequent emotional issues for D7.  **BPD Mom has rages (2-3 month) that would scare the bejeezus out of any human being and children have been exposed to these since birth.  BPD Mom and fancy legal team also fought hard for exclusive custody precluding contact with me until the children were older and more able to process my "addictive personality."  



My previous advocacy action list and outcomes:

- Her school Principal (whom I highly respect) recommended a kids therapist.  
Initial interview went great but things went south quick.  After 6 months, the therapist was recommending that only I attend parenting classes, (not co-parenting classes) and became a chief witness for the plaintiff.  When I probed therapist on which of D7's behavioral changes she was most proud, she declined comment.  I believe that the well had been tainted and /or the therapist was incompetent.  

- I have not been successful in getting buy-in from BPD mom that there is a valid issue so of course she sees no need for further provider intervention.  (she typically shares with me that she is a teacher and these are common issues with kids this age and she would be happy to share with me techniques that she uses that work perfectly)



I am well aware that if my daughter does have BPD, it is likely resistant to psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals.  I have prepared myself that there may be in fact nothing that I can do to get my daughter the help she needs to develop into the strong, independent young woman I want her to be.  

I have also become well aware of my severe co-dependency and am currently working a plan to change my behaviors.  If my daughter does have BPD, I will love her and learn from her as we navigate this affliction.

[Pearl jam fan]

Greetings all:

I have benefited greatly from this site and finally worked up the courage to post.  

My Situation:

- My high functioning BPD (mod to severe) ex wife filed for divorce Nov 2017 and maintains primary physical and joint legal custody.
- High Conflict Divorce Custody Battle transpired over 20 months and went to trial
- I now have 38% visitation (mostly in the summer) and maintain 8 overnights per month.
- My history of alcoholism (tea totaler since Jan 2013) and high volume of gross misrepresentations from plaintiff certainly handcuffed my legal position
- Daughter has a 5 y/o brother dx with ASD but has made rapid improvement after intense ABA therapy and parent education
- Both children presented with classic PAS symptoms throughout divorce.  (splitting,physical attacks against dad,uninterested in spending time w/dad even though they rarely got to visit me) but it was cost prohibitive to litigate as local PAS specialist estimated an additional $100k for legal fees on top of $175k I have paid to date in legal fees
- Daughter has mod to severe generalized anxiety (SCARED assessment)

2 CORE PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR DURING EVERY VISIT


1.  ":)ysregulated Silliness"  
From a young age, I have vivid memories of D7 going in and out of a "dysregulated silliness" for lack of a better term.  She will have uncontrollable laughter spells;  she will fall down on the floor and wiggle / shake;  She gets super excited and overwhelms friends (only close friends) by encroaching their personal space and has zero self awareness to their repeated communication to stop.  There is a clear endorphin rush during these spells.  Her "gaze" and eye contact immediately changes and she has reported to me how good she feels during these.  After removing any possible positive reinforcer, no response.  Furthermore, I introduced negative reinforcement to deter the undesired behavior and got no response as well.  After discussing with her at length in private, she does sometimes respond to my cues in social situations and will temporarily stop the behavior.  *After working with Child Psychiatrists years ago, I do recall this as a classic presentation for kids w/ Bi-Polar Disorder which is scary.  She has mentioned on one occasion to me, "If I have another day like this, I can't go on."

2.  "Emotional Dysregulation"

I would call these crying spells but these are different and super intense.  These almost always immediately follow the Dysregulated silliness fits.  Tears gush and / or whiny tearful communication starts.  These happen on average twice on a good day and 15-20 times on a bad day.  I would liken the depth and intensity of these crying spells to something you might see after someone tragically lost their best friend to a car accident or some other major, shocking, terrible event.  They are extremely tiring for her and she honestly cannot describe to me why she feels the way she does.  *I stopped asking about a year ago as I realized that it was embarrassing to her why she didn't know and almost caused further confusion and pain when I would ask.

I now mandate that she excuse herself to herself to her room until she is calm and stable; at which point she is welcome to rejoin the family in the main living areas.  Most of the time I have to escort her to her room but I try not to give any positive reinforcement (like sitting with her in there and talking while she is manic).  Often times she will try rejoin the family shortly thereafter claiming, "I'm calm now."  I promptly re-escort her to her room and typically at this point take video of her for review after she returns to baseline.  (which actually might be helping... .?)

After nightime routine (we play crazy 8's every time and read from her favorite book) she erupts in similar crying fit directly as I get ready to wish her goodnight.  I can't stay and reinforce the behavior so I must exit her room which is heart wrenching.  Sometimes she is able to articulate that she misses her mom and other times she will mention the fit is from living in two separate houses.

- Raging episodes often commingled with the crying  (with no identifiable trigger)  **The duration and intensity of the rages have drastically reduced after I modified my response behavior per direction from my Therapist but still having significant issues with the emotional dysregulation.

- Chronic Boredom.

- Splicing/Editing.  Rages last between 20 min to 1.5 Hrs.  From an early age, she had an inability to recall the events directly leading up to the rage or the rage itself.  At first, I thought this was her not being truthful but now believe it to be a coping technique.


- Her teachers and Sunday School teachers report ZERO emotional outbursts or any emotional issues.  Furthermore, they describe her as quiet and helpful to other children around her. (?)

- Mom also reports infrequent emotional issues for D7.  **BPD Mom has rages (2-3 month) that would scare the bejeezus out of any human being and children have been exposed to these since birth.  BPD Mom and fancy legal team also fought hard for exclusive custody precluding contact with me until the children were older and more able to process my "addictive personality."  



My previous advocacy action list and outcomes:

- Her school Principal (whom I highly respect) recommended a kids therapist.  
Initial interview went great but things went south quick.  After 6 months, the therapist was recommending that only I attend parenting classes, (not co-parenting classes) and became a chief witness for the plaintiff.  When I probed therapist on which of D7's behavioral changes she was most proud, she declined comment.  I believe that the well had been tainted and /or the therapist was incompetent.  

- I have not been successful in getting buy-in from BPD mom that there is a valid issue so of course she sees no need for further provider intervention.  (she typically shares with me that she is a teacher and these are common issues with kids this age and she would be happy to share with me techniques that she uses that work perfectly)



I am well aware that if my daughter does have BPD, it is likely resistant to psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals.  I have prepared myself that there may be in fact nothing that I can do to get my daughter the help she needs to develop into the strong, independent young woman I want her to be.  

I have also become well aware of my severe co-dependency and am currently working a plan to change my behaviors.  If my daughter does have BPD, I will love her and learn from her as we navigate this affliction.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Pearl jam fan,
Welcome to this community!
I am truly sorry for what you are going through... .my own husband has gone through a difficult divorce many years ago and experienced the alienation of his children. The pain and stress of it are hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. My heart truly goes out to you.

You seem to be very aware and knowledgeable of what your daughter is going through. Since therapy for her doesn't seem possible at this point, have you been able to discuss that on your own with a therapist who specializes in these issues?

I want to encourage you: while BPD and even other mental/emotional problems are a combination of genetics and the environment (which in you daughter's case puts her at risk with a BPD mother andthetrauma of divorce), much can be improved with early intervention and sometimes these conditions can even be reversed.

And even if you won't be successful in helping your daughter overcome these challenges altogether, you can certainly make a big positive difference.

This board has some really good tools for your concerns with your daughter. Also, for your difficulties navigating all this and custody in the context of a non-cooperative ex-spouse, some of the boards under the heading "recovering from a failed relationship" can be of tremendous help.

Welcome here again!