Hi Frankee, I experience frustrations at times too. At times I long for a partner who I can make small communication mistakes with and not have it blow up to something much bigger than warranted. I've been periodically reviewing those lists of Fair Fighting rules since I was in my early 20's I think! I know that I can always do better myself and am dedicated to constant improvement on my side of the communication divide. I'm finding in my current situation the better I do the better he can do. He sees good behavior modeled and it gives him new ideas and a safer space to "fail" in. His ex-wife was extremely difficult (to say the least) and I am sure some of what he knows is from that past. When I help him with managing his stress levels it pays off in making my life easier as well. It is a lot of extra emotional work to have to so closely help manage someone else's stress, but that is how it goes.

It sounds like when you arrived in a good mood he was already waiting there with a set of expectations in his head and wanted to get right to the point of a question he had. Is that right? Sounds like you two were in different emotional places at that moment. You perhaps wanted to be greeted/welcomed home? He wanted info. immediately that he felt you were withholding or had withheld and didn't meet your emotional needs either?  Or was he just altogether in a bad mood and he applied it to the package issue? Do you have any idea why his mood was so bad, what that was about? What was he feeling?

Tattered Heart is quite skilled at breaking down how to better handle conversations. I'd recommend reading lots of her posts and finding a way to internalize these skills as she has done. I am still studying up on this and hoping to be better in time. It doesn't come overnight! There will be a lot of trial and error I'm afraid, but I really think it is worth it to be the best communicator we each possibly can be.

I know how hard it is. I don't like when my partner puts issues on display in front of his kids - ever. I never witnessed this as a kid (parents fighting in an ugly way - ever!) so I just wanna crawl in a hole when he does this. Wishing you well!

Hey Frankee, You're right, sometimes there's nothing that works, which puts you in a Lose/Lose proposition.  In those situations, I suggest using your boundaries, which you can read up on under the Tools Button (above).

LJ

Hey Frankee, It sounds like you are doing a good job practicing disengagement, by remaining calm and declining to argue.  What I found hard was practicing disengagement when I was the object of goading and/or bullying by my BPDxW.  Sometimes I said hurtful things when my Ex tried to pick a fight.

LuckyJim

Hey Frankee, my BPDxW did the same thing in order to get me to engage, which helped me to realize that any kind of attention, whether positive or negative, is often what a pwBPD seeks.  I reached a point where I refused to engage, because the dynamic was so toxic: her lashing out in order to get a reaction out of me.  Instead, I opted to remove myself from the equation by leaving the room, the house, etc.  Sad to say, I spent many a night at the local motel.

LJ