should i leave

[crazynny479]

Hi... .never been on one of these before... .pretty sure my partner is a covert narcissist by everthything I've read... .but doesn't fit her to a tee... .wondering if I should continue to make the effort to make things work... .Things have been going to ___e for a couple of years... .i've actually done the personality test to make sure i'm not NPD because all the twist my partner has thrown into my brain... .basically just looking for answers even after watching every single video on you tube for the last 3 days... .I'm wondering if its just two people who couldn't make it work or that i'm screwed in the head... .I think I'm pretty easy going and good to people... .at least thats what my family and friends say... .however watching the videos maybe i'm the narcissist that like to triangulate?  don't think so but think its a healthy question to ask before i blame my partner... .

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Welcome! My ex is a covert borderline narcissist. It took my therapist and two marriage counselors to help me see he is a covert borderline narc. Are you in therapy? I highly recommend a good therapist to help you figure out if your partner is a covert narcissist or not.  Be careful what you find on the Internet. Not everything is reliable and it's tough to diagnose someone by yourself.

If your partner is indeed a covert narcissist, I believe a good therapist is key to helping you figure out what you want to do.

Since you can actually ask yourself if you're NPD, that tells me that you are probably not NPD. Also, I've learned that narcissism is a spectrum. We all tend to have some narcissistic traits and that's okay. That doesn't mean we're NPD. It takes someone trained to make the diagnosis. My therapist goes through the DSM with me from time to time to remind me what the traits are. It can be very confusing especially without help. My ex is convinced I'm NPD. The marriage counselors and therapist assure me I am most definitely not NPD.

[Hisaccount]

I agree with therapist as well, at least see if your head is on straight.

After that you ask if the two of you are just not meant to be? Well that is one way to look at it.
Just because you cannot have a relationship with her doesn't mean someone else wouldn't be able to make it work.

But you already know that no matter who she is with a relationship is a very tough road and not for the faint of heart.

I started by taking personality tests myself, wondering what was wrong with me. Then after the split I have been taking them again and I see I get different responses.
I was healing and being me again instead of who my partner made me think and feel I was.

It might be interesting to see what your results are but in the end it is just a label, there is no magic wand to fix any of us. It just gives us understanding and the ability to learn and change if we so desire.
 

[flourdust]

Hello! Sometimes these labels aren't all that helpful, especially if you are trying to figure out what you should do. Can you tell us about what the problems are in your relationship - both what your partner is doing and what you are doing. That might give us a sense of how we can help.

[Frankee]

Something I did was made a list of pro's and con's.  The good things about your partner and the bad things about your partner.  Just make sure they don't find it.  I agree with previous comments.  It's really up to a trained therapist to make diagnosis.  We can guess what our partner has, but can't be the one to tell them they are a narcissi or whatever ailment they have.  They are right though, labels aren't always helpful and may hurt the situation even farther.  As for yourself, maybe you could try to remove yourself mentally from what your partner is making you think you are.  Just like you, she can't make any diagnosis on mental illness if any or at all.  My pwBPD was diagnosed when he was a juvenile is a mental facility.  I found the paperwork from his old records.  He hasn't had any treatment or medicine since they released him from state custody almost a decade ago.

The comment of "I was healing and being me again instead of who my partner made me think and feel I was." 

I find this very helpful.  There was a point where I felt like I was losing myself and I was drowning in this person that wasn't living up to his expectations.  That was a red flag for me.  I felt like I was losing my identity, trying to constantly live up to their needs, not being able to be who I felt I was, feeling like I was slowly going crazy... I had to reevaluate my relationship.  I think this forum and tips from others going through the same thing, will definitely give you insight and tools that will help.

[maddy2013]

i agree with the others, labels can help you understand someone better but it doesn't make them easier to live with! it sounds like the biggest problem is that this person is making you feel things are your fault-putting things in your head, you say, making you feel that if you would just do things differently, everything would be okay. i hate to say it, but in my experience things don't go that bad for that long and then just get better. not without a lot of therapy and dedication from both parties, anyway. do you think she would be willing to go through that with you? it really doesn't matter how hard you try, you can't do it by yourself.