Leaving

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi
Im new to this site thank you for having me . I just recently found out my husband has BPD and i never had a name for it till now. I knew he had a problem just didn't know what it was and this is 30 years later.  I have tried to leave him a few times in the marriage but came back. This time Ive made up my mind to leave him  but very nervous again how to do this carefully. Has anyone gone through a divorce with someone with BPD?

[Liebe]

Hi
Im new to this site thank you for having me . I just recently found out my husband has BPD and i never had a name for it till now. I knew he had a problem just didn't know what it was and this is 30 years later.  I have tried to leave him a few times in the marriage but came back. This time Ive made up my mind to leave him  but very nervous again how to do this carefully. Has anyone gone through a divorce with someone with BPD?

[livednlearned]

Hi Liebe,

Welcome and hello 

Glad you found the site and sorry for what brings you here.

30 years is a long time to live with someone who has BPD. Does he know he may have the disorder?

You're wise for knowing that it takes planning and precaution to leave what could be a high-conflict divorce. Many of us have been through divorces with spouses who suffer from BPD and are here to help walk with you.

Have you read Bill Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse? That's a book most of us read at some point.  A lot of it is oriented toward custody issues, but it's still helpful, if only to help understand how to family law courts work when one spouse has a PD.

How is the relationship right now? What is the biggest aggravation you are dealing with?

LnL

[Liebe]

Hi

Im not sure he knows he has this disorder but he knows something is wrong with him. I found out he has BPD by a psychic who just told me straight out and to leave him and get counselling thats when i looked it up and he has every symptom. He has seen his doctor but said to me "i fooled the doctor again" so he really does not want help. He has threatened work with hurting some management people which got him put in the hospital and then stress leave and early retirement because work did not want him back. He also told my daughter that he wanted to kill me and laughed about it while he was in the hospital. I am living separate from him as of now we have two homes but he comes and goes as he pleases but he understands I'm done with the relationship and we can just stay friends but he tries to make the relationship work again by sending me texts regarding missing me and our love is forever. I am trying to get things in order to not cause a big rage or meltdown or worse from him. I have not read that book Bill Eddys Splitting sounds like i should read that. I think the biggest aggravation I'm dealing with right now is that he keeps trying to make the relationship to where it was before and it can never happen since I'm afraid of him so know when he texts or calls me I'm so careful of what i say. There is part of me that is afraid of what he could do to me in his rages,  i just can't live this way anymore.

[livednlearned]

I know how hard it can be to file for divorce when you're afraid of what your spouse might do.

There is a lot of collective wisdom here about how to approach these divorces. You have good instincts -- being careful what you say, and talking to others who understand what you're going through, who have been in your shoes. What next steps are you comfortable taking?

[Panda39]

Hi Liebe,

I want to join LnL and welcome you to the BPD Family   

I agree it's great that you've found us  Many of the members here have gone through the divorce process with a BPD Spouse.  I got to experience it vicariously as my Significant Other (SO) was separated and divorcing his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) when we met. 

I'm glad you have your own place that space has got to help some.

You mentioned that you've attempted this in the past what worked and what didn't in your last attempts? 

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

He has taken advantage of your willingness to respond to his Push-Pull behaviors.  He pushes you away by his poor behaviors and pulls you back by claims how sorry he is and promises to change.  But then things never improve, not really.

It's like being on an endless Roller Coaster ride.  Sometimes you get off at the station but then you keep getting back on again.  This time you're ready to get off again.  Break the pattern.  Stay off the dysfunctional train.

This will require consistency from you.  You currently see how dysfunctional this Dance is, time to end the unhealthy manipulation.  You can't afford to feel sorry for him.  You can't afford to give him still another chance.