At a crossroads

[goatrunner]

Hi folks,
 
I've been with my partner for just over two years. I started noticing symptoms of BPD about a year in, but it wasn't until recently that I became involved with this family, the result of a particularly bad deregulation. About a year ago, she started asking about marriage. I told her that I was interested, but wanted to be at a more stable point in my life, after getting through school and being a little more financially secure. However, over the course of the last year, the question of marriage has turned into a conflict, and she interprets the fact that I want to wait as an indication that "I don't want to marry her" or "I don't love her". Over time, my motivations for not marrying began to shift from wanting to wait to a fundamental question of whether I want to marry her at all. In all honesty, many of the posts in these boards of families with children who experience parents with BPD has shown me a perspective I hadn't thought about before, and it's scary. Once I can afford therapy, we want to try that option. But I'm really confused here. I know it can get better, but it sounds like it will never be perfect, and that "never be perfect" bit is the part that gives me pause; how much of "not perfect" will my kiddos have to experience when I get to that point? It's further complicated by the fact that in going through the many resources posted in this board, I've noticed many symptoms of BPD in myself. This is definitely something I want to talk over with a therapist later, but for now, I just have so many questions going through my mind. Thank you for your thoughts and time!

[WildernessMan]

Goatrunner - Welcome!  I've only been here 3 weeks but what a difference it has made. Seeing what others are experiencing helps. My wife of 21 years has BPD but she's undiagnosed. Our 21 year old daughter was diagnosed with severe BPD 3 years ago.

Nobody here can tell you what to do, as that should be up to you. We can, however, let you know of our experiences living with someone suffering with BPD.

As for me, I noticed something wasn't right with my wife when I met her in 1994. However I ignored the red flags and we continued dating. We had lots of good times but there was a lot of uneven emotions coming from her, and I didn't deal with it well either.

Anyway we ended up pregnant and decided to marry, as abortion was not even a consideration for us. We eventually had a total of 3 children, whom we love. Now 21, 17 and 14.

Ever since we were married 21 years ago, it has been rocky for me from an emotional standpoint. She has always been short to anger and long to overcome it. It has always been difficult to discuss important topics with her due to her unstable emotions. So I have always avoided even mentioning subjects which might set her off. That eventually came back to haunt me because issues never got resolved as they occured.

With our children, my wife practices heavy Parental Alienation (PA), which apparently is common with those suffering with BPD. I've see PA mentioned here a good deal. Trust me PA is something you want to avoid! It is highly painful seeing your children turned against you by your partner. 

Now we are in a divorce situation. Her choice. Due to her unstable emotions, working through a divorce settlement has been difficult. Even my attorney has gotten frustrated. She is trying to take me to the cleaners, which I think is partially due to her unstable BPD behavior.

I do believe, if we had gotten help within the first few years, we might have had a chance. However we put it off due to work, time, kids and no money to spend on counceling. At this point I wish we had just bit the bullet and invested in therapy. It's just water under the bridge now. Can't turn back. I'm ready to move on anyway.

Would counceling have solved our probems? Maybe some of them.

I hope this helps paint a picture you can use.

[formflier]

To answer your question... .it can get better if both parties work on improving themselves and what they bring to the relationship.

If one partner uses therapy to "have a trial" about the relationship... .basically... "I'm right and you are wrong... "... .it is unlikely to get better.


I'm a bit oldschool.  I didn't talk about marriage until I asked my then girlfriend to marry me.  The engagement period is used to sort through details of getting married.

So... .for clarity.  Have you asked her to marry you?  Given her ring?  

How does marriage come up?  Can you give us an example?

FF

[maddy2013]

another thing to consider- just because she goes to therapy a few times doesn't mean a lifetime of a changed person. therapy as a couple is what people usually do after the first few blissful yrs. together-not before you even begin the marriage. that's just a bad sign. not that her-and maybe you too- couldn't benefit, but just be aware that often BPD's decide they don't need therapy, the therapist doesn't like them, they don't like the therapist, the therapist is wrong, ect., ect. maybe suggest individual therapy first-it would be better to begin like that, then decide about the future when you are happy in the present. best of luck!