Child feeling hopeless

[dreamer502]

Looking for help in responding to a child who is feeling hopeless and depressed, comparing himself to other and feeling like he's lacking and has no friends.  He breaks my heart saying that he looks in the mirror and hates himself and wants to kill himself.   He says no one would notice or care.   He's been in therapy for over a year and struggles with addictions and even though we think he's been clean for awhile, he said the only thing that makes life worth living is drugs.  I'm not sure how to respond to this. 

I keep telling him he needs to not compare himself to others.  He has special skills and will find his way in the future but drugs will not help and it will make it worse.  He's on the edge and I noticed his knuckles are raw again from him hitting the wall in anger.  I know he's stressed about school but honestly I can't figure out what to say or do that will help bring him out of this dark spiral.  He's in such a dark place but I feel like everything I say to him only makes him angrier.

Anyone have any words of wisdom?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I am so sorry to hear this. As a mom I can't imagine what you must be feeling. *hugs*

I've struggled with this to a much lesser degree with my own children. I felt a lot of guilt for not being able to help my kids the way I thought I should or that I could somehow fix things and make it better for them. It was hard but I learned that you can only do what you can do. You're being very supportive. He's in therapy. Those are all good things. It's really now up to him and his therapist to work on this. It's like the expression... you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. You can only do so much. The rest really is up to him. Have you talked with his therapist for ideas on how else you can help him? I have these types of conversations somewhat regularly with my kids' therapist and it seems to help. *hugs*

[feldsparkle]

This sounds so sad and stressful. I'm sorry you both are going through this. I'm very new here, so not sure I can offer much help, but until very recently I would have sworn you were describing my son, especially the part about comparing himself to others.

He's doing a bit better now (no longer self-harming and suicidal), so I'll share what helped him get that far. The things that made a change for him were: getting an explicit BPD diagnosis (He'd been diagnosed as having PTSD, depression, and anxiety, but when the treatments for those didn't help him like they did other kids, that actually made him more depressed), getting access to DBT, decreasing his meds back to the level where they helped a bit (I believe polypharmacy had become part of his problem), and getting him an 'executive function tutor' (this is a local community college student who sat with him in the afternoons while he did homework - they also went on some afternoon trips to museums in the city - not really tutoring, but more coaching and friendship - he was so far behind in school that that had become a source of depression in and of itself, and he'd alienated his friends, so the tutor filled some of that need - calling it a 'tutor' rather than a paid friend and homework coach helped him save face with himself).

It's so frightening when they are like this, especially when you want to help them so much. Do you have a support system for yourself?

[incadove]

I know he's stressed about school but honestly I can't figure out what to say or do that will help bring him out of this dark spiral.  He's in such a dark place but I feel like everything I say to him only makes him angrier.

dreamer502 that is heartbreaking it makes me sad too but also it is good you are still able to be in close contact with him, and he wants something different.  My daughter has had that feeling too, of feeling like if she killed herself no one would care.  I can't usually say anything right either!  She does trust my husband, he usually tells her to distract herself or to draw, she is very creative and has an outlet in her art. 

This may sound like an odd quesiton, but does your son have a dog?  Having an animal who depends on you and truly loves you can really make a difference, and dealing with a dog forces you to interact and learn from them.  What if you went together and got a puppy or an older housebroken dog?  A puppy will bond more but make messes.

Or, if not a committment, what about fostering a puppy or kitten from a local animal shelter?  That is a shorter-term committment and also means you are doing something really positive for another living being.   

If he doesn't like animals would he be willing to accompany you, with no judgement or big discussion, to volunteer with kids in an after-school program or a program for developmentally disabled youth?  Helping other people is a very healthy boost to oneself, and it allows you to bond in different ways.  Also the people you meet doing that maybe are a little kinder and less judgmental. 

If school is stressing him out I generally would support a lower class load, or lighter classes, just so he has a successful experience.  But I don't know your son or what his goals are, if that would feel like not being successful.

Like feldsparkle mentioned I hope you have a support system for yourself!  That may make the interactions less tense too, if he doesn't feel like his success or failure determines your happiness. 

Good luck!     Let us know how it goes!