Gulit for not providing the right help sooner

[java478]

Our family has been so broken by this unhealthy relationship. We have been confused and thought it was a choice of behavior and not a disorder. Although we did seek counselling early, I don't think it was beneficial because they didn't diagnose properly and it was  starting in teen years without trauma,so it seemed partly rebellion.
I'm heartbroken that I didn't do more and know what the real problem was and now I just don't know how to help. My adult child's job can prevent being able to attend doctor/psychologist visits. What's the way out? And how much of this has become 10 years of bad habits that need to be recognized and dealt with that would have been easier if we had worked on it years ago. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi java478,

Welcome and hello. I'm glad you found the site and sorry for the pain and grief that brings you here

Not being properly diagnosed is very common with BPD, sadly. The nature of the disorder makes it hard to pinpoint, even for psychologists and psychiatrists. Feeling guilty and hopeless also seems to be common, especially if we are blamed by loved ones for everything. For myself, I notice, too that what I can comprehend rationally does not always match with what I feel emotionally.

I was able to attend an NEA-BPD Family Connections workshop for families with BPD sufferers, and it seems quite common for adult children to reject the diagnosis, or refuse treatment. It can help to know that you are not alone, and that there are skills that can help you (help yourself), and through those skills, have a positive impact on your loved one.

What are some of the behaviors you are struggling with in your adult son at the moment? Maybe we can walk with you and share some of the things that have helped others.

LnL

[Feeling Better]

Hi java478

I know what you are going through and I feel your pain. You are not alone. BPD can be very difficult to diagnose and had you realised earlier there was a problem with your child you would have sought help. Your post is so full of self blame. You are not to blame.

I too was unaware that there was anything wrong with my son, let alone a mental illness. The only thing I can remember is his hyper sensitivity which I thought, and hoped, he would grow out of. We also have two daughters and we'd always thought that our son seemed 'difficult' compared to the girls. It simply never occurred to us that he might be ill.
All that changed about five years ago (he'd returned from being abroad), his behaviour, his personality, him, he'd become someone I didn't recognise anymore. I knew then there was something wrong with him but no idea what, he did admit that he thought he was suffering from depression but wouldn't seek help. He blamed us for all his problems, he told me that I had a problem and that I needed to get help for myself, constantly repeating this every chance he got. He wore me down, I took all the abuse and blame that he hurled at me and then he left, went n/c. Oh I remember the guilt I felt, blaming myself for what I had done to my son. Finding this site saved me, reading all about BPD helped me to realise that I wasn't to blame for my son's illness. It will help you too java478, read and find out as much as you can about BPD. Try not to dwell on the past, we cannot change the past, we can only move forward.
And be kind to yourself, believe in yourself, that you are a good parent and that you did the best you could.

Has your adult child now received the correct diagnosis?

[Rockieplace]

I can only echo the previous posters.  We have been there too.  The 'wouldda, shouldda, couldda, syndrome!  I worried about my daughter (now 35) when she was in her late teens and was very keen to accept the opinion of friends and family that it was just difficult teenage angst.

Awareness of BPD is growing nowadays but is, even so, still quite often misdiagnosed at first.  Please try to be kind to yourself.  Look after yourself.  I know it sounds easier said than done but it is possible.  I went through a very difficult period when I thought I was going under with the pain I was feeling for my daughter.  I now feel that I can actually be happy and positive in my own right and in turn be much more use to my daughter by a) not constantly jumping to the rescue b) not over-reacting and making her feel shame and c) not trying to defend myself against unfair accusations.  Some of this was counter-intuitive but had such an immediate beneficial effect on our relationship I am still amazed at how much better I can communicate with her.  Sometimes all you can do is not make things worse!

I have read and learnt so much from this site and the best lesson of all is that you are not alone.  There are so many loving, conscientious parents posting here that it has been a humbling experience for me as well as a very supportive one.

Take heart Java478.  This too will pass.     

[livednlearned]

I wanted to add one other thing... .

BPD has a genetic component, and while knowing the skills could make our relationships better, we cannot cure BPD with love (or guilt) anymore than we can cure diabetes with the same.

Loved ones with BPD have to do the work themselves (and it is a lot of work, hard work), while we support them and learn the relationship and communication skills (that are not intuitive) to make things stable, as much as possible.

The most important skill I have learned is self-compassion, so that I have the strength to be the emotional leader in my relationships, especially the ones where mental illness dominates.

[java478]

Thanks for the replies. I will definitely stop beating myself up about what I didn't do in the past and focus on the future. when I look at these replies I would not want any of you to feel bad, so why should I. We all obviously care or we wouldn't still be engaged. Nice to have a team though!