My adopted 23 y/o daughter has BPD

[adoptivemom67]

Hello,   
We adopted our daughter at birth.  Everything was great until she turned 8.  Then our world started tipping.  Sometimes it turned upside down.  I don't think she knows her diagnosis although she is in weekly therapy.  I felt like just after I had my husband on board with believing she was BPD, she tells us she is pregnant.   
My first thought was, "there goes what little chance she may have had at being self sufficient", my second thought was, "I don't think I can go through this with her". 
The reason we adopted was my developing a life threatening disease (aplastic anemia) that the doctors thought may have been due to the miscarriage I'd had 4 month prior (autoimmune).  They advised against pregnancy.  Since then I (at best) don't enjoy anyone's "baby events".  I don't make myself go to baby showers etc. It is really almost a phobic reaction.  I enjoyed our daughter's time as a baby but that's it.  I ask to not be seated near children in a restaurant etc. 
My daughter "cut be out of her life" (again) because I should feel so much happiness for her and want to experience every moment with her but I can't.   

Anyone out there in a similar situation?  I know some adoptive parents must have residual issues with their own lack of fertility.  The BPD has magnified this greatly.  Don't know how to proceed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi adoptivemom67 and welcome to bpdfamily

Could you tell us a bit more about why you believe your daughter has BPD? What are the most significant BPD traits you've identified in her?

... .my second thought was, "I don't think I can go through this with her".

Did you think this because of her BPD or is this primarily about your own uneasiness with being in the presence of children? Considering the trauma you suffered, having a miscarriage, falling ill and being advised not to get pregnant again, I do understand where your feelings come from. Losing a child and then being told that it's best not to get pregnant again, definitely is very hard to come to terms with. Do you feel like you've in any way truly been able to start to accept this reality?

My daughter "cut be out of her life" (again) because I should feel so much happiness for her and want to experience every moment with her but I can't.

 

How did you respond to your daughter when she told you she was pregnant?

[Turkish]

Hello adoptivemom,

I'm an adoptive kid and I'd like to join The Board Parrot in welcoming you 

I know that it's far in the past, but what is your view on what was going on or what changed when your daughter was 8?

Turkish

[adoptivemom67]

Hi adoptivemom67 and welcome to bpdfamily

Could you tell us a bit more about why you believe your daughter has BPD? What are the most significant BPD traits you've identified in her?

Did you think this because of her BPD or is this primarily about your own uneasiness with being in the presence of children? Considering the trauma you suffered, having a miscarriage, falling ill and being advised not to get pregnant again, I do understand where your feelings come from. Losing a child and then being told that it's best not to get pregnant again, definitely is very hard to come to terms with. Do you feel like you've in any way truly been able to start to accept this reality?
 

How did you respond to your daughter when she told you she was pregnant?


The most significant BPD trait is probably the emotional dysregulation, but I definitely see the splitting thing a lot too. 

Responding to my daughter was tough.  She had someone else call me and speak to me first.  I remember thinking I needed to be very careful what I said.  What she heard me say was I wanted her to lose the baby (miscarriage) and some other things I know I did not say.  I'm just worried about her future and how much harder it will be now.  I suspect she wants/expects us to support her financially from here out.  I want my husband to be able to retire and for us to move on with our lives. 

I've "accepted" the reality of my infertility, after all I'm 62 now! Or maybe I never did... .

[adoptivemom67]

I'd like to know how some of you managed to "emancipate" your BPD child.  She hasn't lived with us for the past 5 years.  She is living in a house we purchased in the town (45 min away) in which she started college.  Three failed attempts at college a marriage and a divorce,and several jobs later she is still there basically totally financially depended on us.  Oh and did I mention she is now pregnant?  Father of baby a real dirt bag (ex prison now goneish).  A family friend was able to get her to able for food stamps but I'm totally stymied at how to get her more independent.  It seems so long ago that we bought the house she is in.  We could afford it then and it did bring some peace to have us physically separated but I'm afraid we have facilitated her not growing up.   

[Turkish]

I assume that you pay the mortgage.  What about utilities,  and what does she do to take care of the house otherwise? I'm thinking yard work,  etc... .it might be good to start small to have her take ownership of her home,  or is it all you?

[adoptivemom67]

Yes we are paying the mortgage and the utilities.  She pays for gas and food with money we give her and currently a part time, seasonal job at Harry and David's.  She had back surgery last year and still says she has pain and can't stay on her feet long or carry heavy things.  The whole pregnancy thing throughs a curve ball into plans for emancipation.
Thanks for your help!  Its hard to feel so alone in this!

[Turkish]

This is a tough place to be as a parent,  especially given the new child to come.  She won't have maternity leave,  I imagine,  and then there will be the expenses and logistics of caring fire your grand baby.

I realized that for many years I was enabling my mother by sending her money.  I found out later how bad it was when I learned so many others were as well.  She played the "senior on a pitiful fixed SS income" trope well.  Given her BPD, this was reality to her,  not manipulative.  I did the back of the envelope calculation once and concluded that she had enough to live on,  or at least sustain (no mortgage, no car payment).  She was horrible with money,  however, as many pwBPD are.  So where do we draw a line?

From my view,  you are going above and beyond.  The unknown is how much she might require (ask) of you going forward.  Is there an option to connect her with social services support once she has your grandchild?   

[adoptivemom67]

Thanks Turkish,
You sized things up very well.  I think it is an interesting observation that BPDers can be so bad with money.  Having to micromanage her spending leads to more fighting, more of everything BPD. 
We are trying to learn more about the social services available.  One question is whether to keep her on our insurance for now or to get her on Medicaid.  On our insurance she looks like she has assets and may be less able to get aide (?).  On Medicaid she may be less able to see the physicians of her choice. 

It feels like we need a "case worker" who knows about the aide situation and can help separate her dad and I from her when it comes to this contentious issue.  does anyone know if there are such people?