Nice surprise

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been posting all of my negative feelings and ones of being wounded.  I was doubting if the tools I had learned were even getting through to him.  I have come to accept that my relationship is not going to be "normal", definitely not boring, extremely stressful sometimes, probably not one would call healthy.  I had gotten his tattoo on me a couple years ago.  I was pretty much completely enamored and head over heels.  I know... getting names tattooed are so cliché, not to mention always seem to end up being regretted.  He comes home late last night after I've gone to sleep.  He actually comes in a lays next to me, most times he sits in front of the TV for few hours.  I go to put my head on his chest and notice a new tattoo.  I get up and see that he tattooed my name over his heart.  I'm shocked and excited at the same time.  He smiled and cuddled me.  We had a really nice night.  We talked, snuggled, poked fun at each other, acted silly, and eventually fell asleep cuddling.

I know this peace won't last long, but maybe longer than I think.  We are on a high right now.  Felt comfortable, peaceful, happy.  I know he's it.  I've never felt the way I do with him than I ever have.  Even with the roller coaster ride, episodes, and just everything in general when it comes to emotional state of mind, I wouldn't want to do it with anybody else.  I'm pretty sure some will same that this is a placebo, that I only feel this way because we're on a high.  I'm going to take it though.  I made the choice to stay, learn about the disorder, and teach myself tools to communicate and respond better.  If it is temporary, I still consider it a win, because it does show that he is trying to do better and I must be doing something right too. 

I hope others get to have this feeling with their pwBPD.  It's not always bad.  He didn't come into my life when I planned, he didn't tread quietly, he wasn't like all the others, he showed me another part to myself, one that I was not ready to see.  He turned my world upside and I thought he was horrible for it.  I see now that I needed that.  I was so sure of my life and so sure I wanted what everyone else had.  He's made me question everything I understood about emotions, feelings.  He questioned the things I was holding back, the person who called me out on my bulls*** without apology.  He broke me down more than anyone has ever done.  We have had our extreme bad times and also our euphoric high times.  I thought for a long time it felt that it was never going to be better, that it was hopeless and I would always feel broken.  As I grow more, gain more advice, learn ways that I can handle any situation thrown in my way... I know that we are on the right path and I know that I am rebuilding my inner strength.

[Frankee]

I have been posting all of my negative feelings and ones of being wounded.  I was doubting if the tools I had learned were even getting through to him.  I have come to accept that my relationship is not going to be "normal", definitely not boring, extremely stressful sometimes, probably not one would call healthy.  I had gotten his tattoo on me a couple years ago.  I was pretty much completely enamored and head over heels.  I know... getting names tattooed are so cliché, not to mention always seem to end up being regretted.  He comes home late last night after I've gone to sleep.  He actually comes in a lays next to me, most times he sits in front of the TV for few hours.  I go to put my head on his chest and notice a new tattoo.  I get up and see that he tattooed my name over his heart.  I'm shocked and excited at the same time.  He smiled and cuddled me.  We had a really nice night.  We talked, snuggled, poked fun at each other, acted silly, and eventually fell asleep cuddling.

I know this peace won't last long, but maybe longer than I think.  We are on a high right now.  Felt comfortable, peaceful, happy.  I know he's it.  I've never felt the way I do with him than I ever have.  Even with the roller coaster ride, episodes, and just everything in general when it comes to emotional state of mind, I wouldn't want to do it with anybody else.  I'm pretty sure some will same that this is a placebo, that I only feel this way because we're on a high.  I'm going to take it though.  I made the choice to stay, learn about the disorder, and teach myself tools to communicate and respond better.  If it is temporary, I still consider it a win, because it does show that he is trying to do better and I must be doing something right too. 

I hope others get to have this feeling with their pwBPD.  It's not always bad.  He didn't come into my life when I planned, he didn't tread quietly, he wasn't like all the others, he showed me another part to myself, one that I was not ready to see.  He turned my world upside and I thought he was horrible for it.  I see now that I needed that.  I was so sure of my life and so sure I wanted what everyone else had.  He's made me question everything I understood about emotions, feelings.  He questioned the things I was holding back, the person who called me out on my bulls*** without apology.  He broke me down more than anyone has ever done.  We have had our extreme bad times and also our euphoric high times.  I thought for a long time it felt that it was never going to be better, that it was hopeless and I would always feel broken.  As I grow more, gain more advice, learn ways that I can handle any situation thrown in my way... I know that we are on the right path and I know that I am rebuilding my inner strength.

[Cat Familiar]

This is a very positive direction. Yes, these pwBPD can certainly teach us a lot, especially when we are open to learning. In the three years I've participated on this site, I've learned so much and it's helped me in all my relationships.

Had I not come here in crisis, I doubt if I would have had the motivation to learn all that I have.

The relationship I have now is not the one that I signed up for originally, but it definitely has its benefits. It's just different than I thought it would be and once I got over the shock, disappointment, anger, etc., I can be grateful for what I have.

I feel like I'm just starting down a new road with my husband. I, too, had a lot of baggage from a previous marriage to a BPDh and also growing up with a BPD mother. Looking in the rear view mirror, I realize that much of the hurt I carried from those relationships was due to not having a good sense of myself.

Now I'm quite content with who I am, rather than the self-critical creature I was when I was growing up. There's always more to learn, but having a happy peaceful interior certainly makes things easier.

[pearlsw]

Had I not come here in crisis, I doubt if I would have had the motivation to learn all that I have.

The relationship I have now is not the one that I signed up for originally, but it definitely has its benefits. It's just different than I thought it would be and once I got over the shock, disappointment, anger, etc., I can be grateful for what I have.

Thanks for writing this out! I have similar feelings. Letting go of my expectations or thinking *I* know what relationships "should" be rather than working with what I have in the best/most appropriate way possible has helped me to have more inner peace too.

[Frankee]

Letting go of my expectations or thinking *I* know what relationships "should" be rather than working with what I have in the best/most appropriate way possible has helped me to have more inner peace too.

Well put Cat and pearl.  This part really applies with our kind of relationships.  The fake imagery you see in movies or the façade that some couples put on.  It took me a long time to understand that those relationships that I thought were happy or normal, don't always turn out that way behind closed doors.  I'm not saying that it's true for all happy normal relationships, but a lot more than one would think. 

I also found this forum when I was at my wits end.  Feeling lost, hopeless, empty, alone.  My BPH has still been doing good since I posted.  He did have an episode yesterday morning.  Not as bad as previous ones. I validated his feelings, didn't get upset or hurt, acted normal, and kept keeping the toddler preoccupied.

Part of me is waiting for the explosion.  The next outburst when he's been trying to regulate his emotions too long and he can't contain it anymore.  My guard has dropped a little, which I know I still needs to keep the tools I have learned applied.  I understand that I can't expect him to keep improving if everything I have been doing to help gets forgotten.  I have to remember he has this inner battle and his improvements need to be positively enforced.  If he's happy and proud that he's able to makes these changes, I want to show him I appreciate the effort and to let him know I'm not giving up either.

[Cat Familiar]

 He did have an episode yesterday morning.  Not as bad as previous ones. I validated his feelings, didn't get upset or hurt, acted normal, and kept keeping the toddler preoccupied.

Good work! It takes a lot of practice not to react in our default ways. With enough repetition, it gets easier.

I've discovered the art of ignoring the beginnings of bad behavior. When he doesn't get the expected response out of me, he will drop it sooner.

[Frankee]

I dropped the ball on my reaction today.  He had a episode and I ended up snapping.  I got sarcastic, said a couple things like "oh, well SO sorry for asking, I won't bother you with again".  I asked him to help pick up our oldest from school today.  He blew up and as we all know when this happens, it usually turns into other stuff that is going wrong.  And how I'm just worthless and "always/never" doing this or that.  I really didn't handle it as well as I could.  I was already having a bad day.  Still pretty mad about the situation, but know I need to focus and think of a way to resolve this.  I'm not procrastinating until nighttime where he accuses me of ignoring the "problem" or how I wait until he's trying to relax. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hey, it's OK and don't judge yourself harshly. You'll have plenty more opportunities to practice.  

That always/never stuff is really irritating when directed at us. And so fu@king untrue that we automatically go into trying to set the record straight or getting our backs up.

As part of a grad school program, I did some work on linguistics and using the NLP Meta Model to describe linguistic patterns which indicate instances of poor thought processes.

Language usage such as always, never, every time, no one, etc. is an example of Universal Quantifiers--language that uses over generalization and that doesn't refer to the individual making the claim--that part is assumed. For example, if he states, "You always... ." he is not taking responsibility for making this allegation--it is assumed, as though everyone in the world would agree. It's quite different than if he were to say "I think you always... ."

Parsing it out may not sound much different, but one is a supposed fact while the other is an opinion. Much easier to dismiss an opinion of a disordered person than it is to refute a statement that is purported fact, and our emotions take note of this.

Some interesting stuff about language in this article: www.nlpls.com/articles/NLPmetaModel.php

[Frankee]

Thank you for the link.  He did apologize.  Saying he woke up very angry, that he shouldn't have yelled at me, I do a great job with the kids, and he's really trying to work on it.  He told me he's worried that if he spends too much time with the kids that they will end up like him.  I understand why he would feel that way.  He know he has an anger problem and says some pretty mean things sometimes.  I thanked him for the apology.  I validated his feelings of being distance.  I get it, there are time where I'm worried that my kids will pick up on my bad habits and sometimes my short fuse. 

I also told him that he's a great dad, that if they have the strength and determination he does than they can face any obstacle in life.  Which is true.  The things he's overcome in his past are things I'm not sure I could ever have. 

I encourage the good behavior.  I still wonder if the way I'm reacting or handling these issues as they arise has anything to do with it or if it's all him.  I have mentioned before how always/never are strong words and to be sarcastic he'll reply with something like, okay then 95% of the time.  Which I don't know if that's more irritating.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you're handling things well. 

We all bring our issues to the relationship, but pwBPD have a lot of hypersensitivity that can be surprising. And when triggered, it takes them a lot longer to get back to baseline.

I had a BPD mom, then I married young to a BPD/NPD/ASPD man who created constant chaos in my life. Years later when I married my current husband, I thought he was "normal" and it was really a shock to discover that he's BPD-lite. Yeah, he doesn't go off the rails quite as hard as the ex, but gosh it was disappointing to discover that I'm a BPD magnet.

So I struggled with the concept that I have to do waaaaay more in the relationship to keep it on the tracks. It just seemed so damned unfair. (I wanted a normal guy--waaaaaah!) But the reality is that I have more control of myself than him, and therefore if I want to have things be calm, it's my responsibility. Unfair, but true.