I opened a case on Tuesday to amend the family court 50/50 to 100% me

[VeganButEatMyMea]

You are changing custody to 50/50, from 100% yours? May I ask why; just curious.

To clarify my situation... we agreed 50/50 custody, divorce finalized, 1 week later suicide attempt by her, 1 week later my final restraining order hearing which resulted in me getting 100% custody (trumps family courts 50/50) thanks to her assaulting me and the suicide attempt. That order expires March of next year which would then revert back to the 50/50.

I opened a case on Tuesday to amend the family court 50/50 to 100% me... to match the restraining order. Wish me luck. I'm nervous. Court date is already set. She's set to be served today or Monday... .I'm confident a BPD blowup will ensue.

[Circle]

Okay, that makes more sense; thanks for explaining that!
Good luck with your case.

[CottonClouds]

Good luck! 

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Thank you Circle and Cotton!

I know I have a male judge. Me being a male hopefully that helps me out. I'm thinking a female judge may have more compassion for the mom and look past her erratic behavior, suicide attempt, and her assaulting me (which she was arrested and charged)... any thoughts by anyone? Thanks

[CottonClouds]

Yes hopefully that will help your case. The person I know with BPD has so many females on her side, its actually pretty sick when I think about how many people are being manipulated just like I was. She is abusing their caring natures, and targets those with low self-esteem and co-dependency issues who put up with abuse.

I think as long as you appear to be the sane and logical one there should be better outcomes for you. Using all assertive language, etc. If the sight of her makes you want to cringe, resist the urge. The less you focus on her the better. Focus on the judge and your son if he is in the room. People who focus less on others and more on themselves seem more honest and trustworthy. 

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Thanks again Cotton, I'll take that advice but I may not need it. She was served yesterday, called me... .was more worried about her child support obligation changing than anything else. Agreed that our son belongs with me, called me the more stable parent "right now" and at the end said she will NOT be showing up to the court date (I'm in AZ, she's on the east coast).  I'm aware she can, at any point, change her mind but so far... excellent news!

[CottonClouds]

That sounds awesome! Do you record her calls? You should, in case a judge needs to hear it.

[VeganButEatMyMea]

That sounds awesome! Do you record her calls? You should, in case a judge needs to hear it.

I thought that was not submissible in court but a quick Google search tells me otherwise. However no I haven't been. She did send me a text later that said she wasn't coming so I do have evidence.

[Waddams]

If she doesn't fight it, great.  Regardless, I don't think phone calls are binding, either of you can say one thing, then change your mind later.  Prepare your case as needed.  Fact is, you need court orders that allow you full range of parenting authority because temp DV orders usually don't address everything needed.  I'm thinking medical and educational decision making, not needing her consent for things, etc.  She might even follow through on not coming, and just letting you run with things, but a doctor or school official is still going to need proper court orders and documentation at some point.  Much easier to just have paperwork giving you sole authority then need to contact her for consent while she's still unstable.

How did you get 50/50 ordered when the parents live so far apart?  Sorry if the story is on here already - if it is, I missed it.

One thing that I think will help is to be willing to consider provisions in the new orders that allow for supervised visitation for her so the kids can maintain a relationship, and then provisions that allow that visitation to become more liberal, non-supervised, etc. if/when she completes therapy, shows other improvements, etc.  Even if not in the orders, telling the judge that you are thinking about closer reunification between her and the kids for the kid's benefit will show the judge you're not interested in retaliating against her or keeping the conflict going.

The idea is to show the court that you don't want to hurt her by taking the kids away from her, you want to protect the kids from her significant instabilities, and if/when she becomes more stable, of course it's in the kids best interest to have more contact with her.  

[ForeverDad]

I had a male magistrate and he was more like a bump on a log than concerned about the specifics in the case.  (My then-spouse had a case of Threat of DV pending against her and because I had a regular job he gifted her temp custody and temp majority time.)  It's possible a female judge or magistrate may expect more of a mother.  There's no assurance either way.

As was already mentioned, be the stable parent with more solutions than complaints.  I believe the court would like you to have reasonable but appropriate suggestions.  Not vindictive or harsh but also not too lenient or vague.  Since your day in court will not be actively opposed, you don't have to start out by bending over backwards to appear super fair or super whatever.  You have concerns about her parenting ability for the foreseeable future and that is certainly valid.  That is the foundation of the case.  The children and their safety come first.

I don't know whether now is the time to set up a pathway back to parenting for her, that might be better left to a future time, such as her filing something someday.  Why?  Often orders that set up a structured return of parenting don't address (likely) relapses.  If that happens then you'd probably have to start all over in court again to regain the parenting authority the steps took away.  That's why I said to let her file someday if she thinks she's ready for more time.  Meanwhile some sort of supervised visitation, if she would return to do it, would be a more appropriate option for now.

What do you think?  Would supervised be okay?  If so, under whose watchful eyes?  A professional agency or service?  You?  Or someone in her family, if you trust any?