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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Red flags are blatantly obvious now  (Read 310 times)
confusedbloke
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 205


« on: October 13, 2017, 08:46:14 AM »

I have been having shall we say extremely flirtatious texts with a new woman I have met.
It is so reminiscent of meeting my exBPDGF.  The red flags are everywhere.  She is extremely sexual (too much TBH), she has battles with her eldest daughter,
she'll stop at nothing trying to get me to go back to my house... .(I haven't BTW), she's been off work ill for 2 weeks, she says she just wants to be mates, but I can see right through it.  She wants more than that.  And she is not the kind of woman that I can have a healthy relationship with.
She then sends obscene texts and in 3 texts time will say "I am really a quiet and shy person".  TBF I have encouraged it and engaged with the texts, but I needed to end it before it got out of hand.  I sent her a message last night after she asked if we were still meeting on Sunday, saying;

**
Hey. Ok so I think we shouldn't. Things are just moving a little too fast... .I'm no where near ready for owt (English (Yorkshire) term meaning anything Smiling (click to insert in post) ) or complications. I know you said it would be just sex, but tbh I'm not bothered about that at the moment... .What I'm looking for is mates only... .It's been great flirting and being rude but I'm still not over my ex yet and because of that I don't seem to be interested in anyone or anything. It's just a process I'm going through... .It wouldn't be fair to lead you on. I hope you understand x
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I think its because I don't need this kind of relationship now.  I'm becoming more secure in myself.  I don't want the craziness and a highly sexually charged person in my life now.

I have been talking to a very lovely woman (and been for a drink with her).  She is completely lovely.  She gives food to the homeless and is so selfless its untrue.  But there is no spark for me.  Typical eh ?   
I do think though that Im still at the beginning of my recovery phase, so no woman is really going to give me that spark yet I guess.

I think all I want is friendship, and to build myself back up after the last traumatic 2.5 years.  I certainly don't want to be physical until I have feelings for the woman.  When I first split up I thought I needed a replacement as I felt incredibly lonely, and I've been on a few dates, but I don't want a replacement in reality.  I'm slowly rebuilding my life and I'm having lots of fun and discovering myself actually, probably, for the first time in my life.  I think I mentioned this in another thread that being with a woman with BPD traits will actually change my life and who I am, for the better.  I just want to see positives out of all the misery I went through... .  And I'm starting to understand who I am.  I'm a good guy but I never felt I was... .and was willing to put up with anything... .  Weird!

That's not to say there aren't times when I don't miss my ex... .  Its just as time goes on, my thoughts for her are less and less.  And I know now that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel bad about myself... .  I did a good enough job of that myself!

So do you think you would be able to spot the red flags now?
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Pretty Woman
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2017, 09:14:08 AM »

I think you are very wise and I appreciate you posting here.

I feel the same way. After these relationships end you need time to get yourself back. The first person I dated after my ex left (the third time) was an amazing person but I ended up cheating and going back to my ex. This was a well-educated, responsible person with a bright future. My ex was severely in debt, had sued multiple people including exes and cheated on every single person she had dated (unless they wised up and didn't let her back for a 2nd round).

What is wrong with this picture? I was bored. I missed the push-pull conflict. I had been in a high conflict relationship for three years, ostracized and isolated from close family and friends. I was NOT ready for a normal relationship and ended up hurting someone badly, a good person. I went back to my cruddy ex, got dumped again and it's been close to three years now, no contact.

Yes, I think you see "red flags" much sooner once you start getting you back. These relationships are very co-dependent and eventually you start to enjoy time by yourself... .I actually relish it now.

If it makes you uneasy you should trust your gut and not make any excuses. I was raised to "see the good in everyone".

That doesn't mean you should dismiss all the flags and date them Smiling (click to insert in post) My parents neglected to tell me that. 

I remember when I first started dating my ex. We were at a social function, in a group I was the founder and chair of... .a woman, a new member came up to me and said (about my ex) "there is something really off about that woman. I don't think I can attend the same functions she does".

At the time I wrote this woman off as being homophobic (my ex is butch). She continued to attend a few more events and disappear.

Later, I found out she is a nurse at a psychiatric hospital.
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

She picked up on what I was oblivious to because she is around emotional disorders and persons with issues daily.

So again, if this new relationship is making you uneasy you are very wise to re-evaluate it. I never expected to be an "expert" on emotional disorders but after being involved with someone who has one and reading so much, and posting on here, you really do get a "spidey sense" when it comes to spotting dysfunction.

Good luck to you and whatever decision you choose to make. You sound very healthy!

PW 
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SummerStorm
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 926



« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2017, 04:24:51 PM »

To piggyback on what PW said, the more you are around it, the easier it gets to spot.  Months after my ex-friend discarded me the first time, my mom said to me, "I knew something was off about her the first time I met her."  My mom worked as an LPN at a psychiatric facility when she was younger and also has a good friend who is bipolar.  For my mom, I think it was the way my ex-friend would usually  isolate the two of us and not interact with my parents when she was around them but then would also randomly give her a hug and tell her that she's so nice. 

I teach 14 year olds all day, so I'm used to picking out sketchy behavior ().  I guess I just never thought that I would have to be on the lookout for those behaviors in an adult.
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