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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I need to know I have tried my best  (Read 519 times)
Jester20
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« on: October 17, 2017, 12:56:16 PM »

So it has taken me 3 years to build myself back up after being pretty much broken by my hwBPD... .
I have done everything the last 6 years... .he doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house. He walks the dog. But I have had to provide everything. He gets no finance at all as he has never worked in the uk. His family will not help.
I have been very flexible with his diognosis, his chronic pain issues which have now been resolved for a year... .he can now walk 10 miles a day but previousely could not walk for longer than 10 minutes.
He has been in group for a year and has generally been making good progress.
He said he was going to look for work after his kidney stone was out and that was in may, then it was after the greenhouse was up, that was July... .then it was going to be in time for when the car needed it’s MOT... .that was August.
I’m getting to the point where I. Feeling the time has come to say goodbye and move on.
The amount of resentment I carry is unbelievable although I have forgiven him for the most part as this only poisoned me and made me bitter... .life is better when your not like that.
I just need to be to,d I have done everything I can and no more can be asked of me. I just feel life is too stressful with him.
I really have no interest in learning how I am meant to be with someone who has BPD. Life ,for me, is hard enough without all of this.
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Hisaccount
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« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2017, 01:03:25 PM »

That sounds like a question only you can answer.
I wouldn't give up, in the end it was out of my control.

Now looking back, Now that I have done some healing and got out of the fog.  yeah I would have totally bailed years and years ago. Like year 2 of 10.
Hind sight is 20/20 but I know what you are feeling. It is not about forgiving him. It is about forgiving yourself.

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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2017, 01:42:02 PM »

It sounds like you are really clear on what you want. My question for you is: what's stopping you?

I was in a similar situation with my former husband. He refused to find work and I continued to take on more and more responsibility. Finally I drew a line in the sand for myself (which I didn't tell him about). And when he crossed it, I was done.

He couldn't believe it because I had forgiven him so many times, but this was the last straw for me.

It was difficult after so many years, since our lives were so intertwined, but I was unwavering in my decision and I've never regretted it for a minute. The only thing I have regretted is that I stayed too long in that relationship.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Jester20
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« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2017, 01:49:16 PM »

It sounds like you are really clear on what you want. My question for you is: what's stopping you?

I was in a similar situation with my former husband. He refused to find work and I continued to take on more and more responsibility. Finally I drew a line in the sand for myself (which I didn't tell him about). And when he crossed it, I was done.

He couldn't believe it because I had forgiven him so many times, but this was the last straw for me.

It was difficult after so many years, since our lives were so intertwined, but I was unwavering in my decision and I've never regretted it for a minute. The only thing I have regretted is that I stayed too long in that relationship.


Hi,
The only thing that is stopping me is he is a USA citizen with no money, no family in this country. He will not leave and his name is on the tenancy. I am very reluctant to leave as this is close to my work, my family and I love the area.
If I left then he would be evicted and end up on streets. If he would just pack up his stuff and go I wouldn’t stop him.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2017, 01:52:26 PM »

In that case, you might be stuck with him for a long time. He's got a real sweet deal living with you.

It goes back to the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), with an emphasis in your case on the obligation.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
love4meNOTu
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« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2017, 06:37:15 PM »

When you love someone it's easy to get drawn into caretaking, isn't it? You hang on because you see their potential, not who they actually are. I'm guilty of this too. Seeing what I want to see, downplaying my strengths because my partner is unemployed or needy in some way... .don't want to make them feel bad, after all. But isn't the truth here that I am an adult and so is he and I am responsible for my own pain? I'm definitely not responsible for his self esteem.

When I was in your situation it took me being afraid of my exhwBPD before I could break away. I didn't want to admit failure. I caused myself and my children a lot of pain because I was afraid to say I was wrong about my ex s character. BUT here's the deal. I was wrong. I made a mistake in judgement. I divorced him. I went to therapy. I kept working. I made amends to my family and my children.
 
I was responsible for the mess I made.

Behaving with compassion towards your husband is commendable and will serve you in the long run. Being someone's doormat doesn't do either party any good, don't you think?

I wish you the best with your decision, only you can decide what is best for you

 
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In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus
Hisaccount
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« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2017, 09:54:49 AM »

When you love someone it's easy to get drawn into caretaking, isn't it?

Isn't that what a relationship is about? Taking care of each other? In sickness and in health?

Problem is when only one party is capable of holding up their end. Without reciprocation any relationship is doomed.

So yes it is easy to get drawn in by anyone. We see who they were or who they could be instead of who they are.

There was a personality test floating around here a few days ago, I took it and one of my traits was eternally hopeful, working and looking for better days ahead.
That told me the way I see things is different than everyone else, that if my current situation is not good enough than it is wrong of me to just expect it to change. I need to either accept the way it is and be happy or move on.
We always work on making things better, but there is no guarantee it will, especially when only one person is working on it.
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2017, 10:24:11 AM »

Hi, Only you know when it's time. 
I will second everyone here who has "been there done that."
As for death-bed regrets I don't think I'll look back and say that I was glad I stayed in a toxic marriage for as long as it's been for me.  I wish others a better fate.

I am sure it's hard when someone is trying and failing.  We all feel sympathetic and want to help. But not trying might be going too far.  As for him living on the streets, remember that he's an adult.  He can take care of himself, though he might not.  But in the end, can you, should you, be the one taking care of him?

I think I'm a bit like you, I'm waiting to be told enough is enough.  But, you know what?
It won't happen - until it happens inside you.  And then, you've got the start to an authentic life of your own.
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2017, 12:47:34 PM »


As for death-bed regrets I don't think I'll look back and say that I was glad I stayed in a toxic marriage for as long as it's been for me.  I wish others a better fate.

I've been thinking about this after writing it, and what I think more clearly states what I feel is that on my deathbed I would rather look back and see a two year divorce nightmare and years of poverty following (and not liking myself in the process because I hurt my wife and my kids' feelings) instead of more and more years of a toxic marriage that whittled away at my soul while I had life yet to live.
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Jester20
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« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2017, 04:25:45 PM »

I've been thinking about this after writing it, and what I think more clearly states what I feel is that on my deathbed I would rather look back and see a two year divorce nightmare and years of poverty following (and not liking myself in the process because I hurt my wife and my kids' feelings) instead of more and more years of a toxic marriage that whittled away at my soul while I had life yet to live.

Ahhhh, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard.
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starrynight2018

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« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2017, 09:43:05 PM »

Jester20, wow! the chronic pain, the financial issue and the U.S. citizen from another country and how he's got nobody but 3 of his friends and me? ... .that's my story as well... .but I'm not married to him. I feel that obligation of taking care of him too... .it's so frustrating because I can see my life without him... .it's the guilt of leaving him out to live on the streets... .that's what is hard for me. Supposedly he's been sleeping at the office at the school he teaches at... .but who knows if that's even true anymore... .he blames me for not having enough clients because I used all our weekends to do my things and so therefore he had no time to grow his business. I was in total shock when I heard that! I've been nothing but supportive of him and I was the one that would remind him to bring fliers to post them wherever we go. It's so frustratingly hard isn't it to deal with this sense of obligation and in my part guilt too.
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