At a loss

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey, my first post here and I'm gonna just get right to this... .

My girlfriend has BPD and we've been together nearly a year. I also have mental ill issues (high functioning depression and anxiety) and we've both suffered different degrees of physical and mental abuse, she's had a couple of very abusive partners back to back, the first of which violently sexually abused her (as well as mentally) and the second was a controlling sociopath who is the cause for her 7 year old son not to live with her (she still has contact and sees him weekly, he lives with her mother). I was sexually abused when I was 10 by an older boy and I was mentally abused by an alcoholic stepfather. She also was in and out of hospital for 10years with anorexia from which she has recovered. We have both struggled with some substance abuse but both in control of that now. So... .lots of issues at play here. This is also a reasonably long distance relationship, around a couple of hours on a train so that makes things harder.

 We met while I was in my previous relationship through mutual friends, added each other on facebook but didn't really speak for two years. That relationship ended when I found out my partner had cheated on me and covered it up for two years. About 5 months later I met up with my current partner after gradually talking more over facebook. We completely hit it off, wasn't a rebound in the slightest and were totally into each other. She totally opened up about her abuse and everything, though I wasn't as forthcoming about my past as I guess I wasn't quite ready to me, opening up is an ongoing issue for me but I'm improved over the years.

A few weeks in everything was going really well, the distance sucked but we dealt with it. We had a conversation about one of her friends who was in a relationship liking pics of other girls on facebook and she said it would really hurt her if I did that. Then very stupidly I went and liked two pictures of my female friends, neither of which had any intent behind nor were they sexual in nature. My only real explanation is being stupid and inconsiderate of the consequences of social media. Around the time I was healing from my previous partners infidelity I became a bit sucked into the attention seeking side of social media but like I say, I was pretty ignorant to the consequences of it. Not making excuses for myself, if she says it would upset her and I go and do it then it's disrespectful regardless of why it happened. Maybe I wasn't totally ready to listen to her feelings and hadn't properly healed yet, which was selfish and inconsiderate and I truly felt sorry and tried to make up for it and thought I could do so as we are deeply in love. I really love her and would do anything to fix this.

To her, its as good as cheating. She hasn't trusted me since, accused me of everything you could imagine, insults me and becomes verbally abusive when she's upset. She continually says I make her feel ugly and unwanted (she is literally perfect), tells me I don't care, compares me to her sociopathic ex, tells me I make her want to die and that whenever she goes anywhere she is scared of me looking at other people and can't relax. She says I sold her a false dream and I'm fake and not a real person. She blames me for ruining stuff she goes too and says I stop her taking care of herself and takes attention away from her son.

Now its coming up to us being together a year, we've had some really, really good patches in our relationship where it really looked like it was better. But always becomes even more toxic each time it gets bad again. Right now it's really bad, she more or less has said I should suffer and not ever be happy and don't deserve to be trusted or loved or happy and should always pay.
I'm really confused because I don't know if this is all me, I try to never bring her BPD into things but I know that it DOES play a part in how she approaches things. I know what I did really hurt her but I don't know whether this is truly all me the way she says or whether this is something someone else would just be angry about but get over after talking it out. I am so stressed out and ill all the time, I'm doing badly at work, I dont do my art and music as much (which is essentially my therapy), I cant go anywhere by myself without us ending up arguing, I've self harmed for the first time in 8 years, just scratching myself but it is a slippery slope.

I completely accept responbility for my actions and I know I should have listened, I'd do anything for her. I love her and have tried to be patient with her, now I'm wound so tight all the time I get angry with her but I supress as I dont want to shout at her, but I have a few times though I've never been insulting or abusive (I hope), it's usually just out of desperation or frustration.

I've had experiences with BPD before, my best friend who is a high ranking mental health nurse had a two year relationship with someone with BPD and it almost literally killed him. I didn't know my partner had it until we were together a couple of months but I had suspicions of it.

The parts that are good are really good and she is incredible. I would do anything to save it. She's trying really hard, getting help and I completely feel wretched and like a failure in this. I feel like if I leave it will just show her I don't care and don't love her but if I stay I don't know if I'll even function much longer.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to sound lije a victim and make her to be the villain, I'm really not! I don't know what to do at all. Sorry it's such an essay!

Thankyou to anyone who reads it.

[Spaceghost]

Hey, my first post here and I'm gonna just get right to this... .

My girlfriend has BPD and we've been together nearly a year. I also have mental ill issues (high functioning depression and anxiety) and we've both suffered different degrees of physical and mental abuse, she's had a couple of very abusive partners back to back, the first of which violently sexually abused her (as well as mentally) and the second was a controlling sociopath who is the cause for her 7 year old son not to live with her (she still has contact and sees him weekly, he lives with her mother). I was sexually abused when I was 10 by an older boy and I was mentally abused by an alcoholic stepfather. She also was in and out of hospital for 10years with anorexia from which she has recovered. We have both struggled with some substance abuse but both in control of that now. So... .lots of issues at play here. This is also a reasonably long distance relationship, around a couple of hours on a train so that makes things harder.

 We met while I was in my previous relationship through mutual friends, added each other on facebook but didn't really speak for two years. That relationship ended when I found out my partner had cheated on me and covered it up for two years. About 5 months later I met up with my current partner after gradually talking more over facebook. We completely hit it off, wasn't a rebound in the slightest and were totally into each other. She totally opened up about her abuse and everything, though I wasn't as forthcoming about my past as I guess I wasn't quite ready to me, opening up is an ongoing issue for me but I'm improved over the years.

A few weeks in everything was going really well, the distance sucked but we dealt with it. We had a conversation about one of her friends who was in a relationship liking pics of other girls on facebook and she said it would really hurt her if I did that. Then very stupidly I went and liked two pictures of my female friends, neither of which had any intent behind nor were they sexual in nature. My only real explanation is being stupid and inconsiderate of the consequences of social media. Around the time I was healing from my previous partners infidelity I became a bit sucked into the attention seeking side of social media but like I say, I was pretty ignorant to the consequences of it. Not making excuses for myself, if she says it would upset her and I go and do it then it's disrespectful regardless of why it happened. Maybe I wasn't totally ready to listen to her feelings and hadn't properly healed yet, which was selfish and inconsiderate and I truly felt sorry and tried to make up for it and thought I could do so as we are deeply in love. I really love her and would do anything to fix this.

To her, its as good as cheating. She hasn't trusted me since, accused me of everything you could imagine, insults me and becomes verbally abusive when she's upset. She continually says I make her feel ugly and unwanted (she is literally perfect), tells me I don't care, compares me to her sociopathic ex, tells me I make her want to die and that whenever she goes anywhere she is scared of me looking at other people and can't relax. She says I sold her a false dream and I'm fake and not a real person. She blames me for ruining stuff she goes too and says I stop her taking care of herself and takes attention away from her son.

Now its coming up to us being together a year, we've had some really, really good patches in our relationship where it really looked like it was better. But always becomes even more toxic each time it gets bad again. Right now it's really bad, she more or less has said I should suffer and not ever be happy and don't deserve to be trusted or loved or happy and should always pay.
I'm really confused because I don't know if this is all me, I try to never bring her BPD into things but I know that it DOES play a part in how she approaches things. I know what I did really hurt her but I don't know whether this is truly all me the way she says or whether this is something someone else would just be angry about but get over after talking it out. I am so stressed out and ill all the time, I'm doing badly at work, I dont do my art and music as much (which is essentially my therapy), I cant go anywhere by myself without us ending up arguing, I've self harmed for the first time in 8 years, just scratching myself but it is a slippery slope.

I completely accept responbility for my actions and I know I should have listened, I'd do anything for her. I love her and have tried to be patient with her, now I'm wound so tight all the time I get angry with her but I supress as I dont want to shout at her, but I have a few times though I've never been insulting or abusive (I hope), it's usually just out of desperation or frustration.

I've had experiences with BPD before, my best friend who is a high ranking mental health nurse had a two year relationship with someone with BPD and it almost literally killed him. I didn't know my partner had it until we were together a couple of months but I had suspicions of it.

The parts that are good are really good and she is incredible. I would do anything to save it. She's trying really hard, getting help and I completely feel wretched and like a failure in this. I feel like if I leave it will just show her I don't care and don't love her but if I stay I don't know if I'll even function much longer.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to sound lije a victim and make her to be the villain, I'm really not! I don't know what to do at all. Sorry it's such an essay!

Thankyou to anyone who reads it.

[AskingWhy]

Welcome, Spaceghost.  I hope you find support, help and answers here.   You have an honest view of the dynamics you are encountering.

My first recommendation: back away from social media.  You don't mention the nature of pictures you liked on Facebook, so I cannot comment on why your girlfriend was so upset.

Social media itself can be addicting.  Being involved in social media has hurt so many people.  I urge you to back away from the keyboard and start working to handle your depression and anxiety.  :)o you know that addiction to social media can contribute to your depression and anxiety?

www.psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.pn.2017.1b16
 
https://www.computerworld.com/article/3014439/internet/social-media-addiction-is-a-bigger-problem-than-you-think.html

Secondly, BPDs have huge problems with trust and relationships.  You must somehow regain your trust of your partner.  This will be no easy task.

I am sure you know the rages and abuse are not about you, as they are most likely projection from the BPD, so try not to take it personally.

You already know the Jekyll/Hyde part of BPD as you know your girlfriend is BPD.

Try changing your communication style and validate her upset.  

Again, I recommend backing away from social media--certainly from your end--as the first step.