CloseToFreedom
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431
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« on: October 19, 2017, 07:08:49 AM » |
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Hi all! One of my latest recycles has just come to an end and last time I was advised to post in this section of the forum instead of the recovering section. It helps to talk and I just want to share what has happened and by talking about it and hopefully your responses, come up with a clear goal that will protect my feelings and sanity in the future. And of course decide if this is the end, if I should never open up for any future recycles. Sorry if this is long, but props to you if you read it. I myself find great comfort in reading some of your stories because they are so recognisable.
Background
At the end of 2014 an on and off relationship of five years with my undiagnosed exGF ended. We spend since 2010 trying to make it work. The first year or so were amazing, love bombing and all, but since then something changed. Each period of a month or two was followed by devalution, ending when after all the arguments I spoke up and talked about my feelings, getting blamed for making the arguments myself. Each time I had to work for weeks or months to apologize and get her back in the relationship. Early 2014 we bought a house but that didn't fix anything, it only made it worse. So at the end of 2014 it truly came to an end.
In the years that followed I've learned a lot about myself, also recognising that I was just as much a part of this crazy making toxic dynamic. By being insecure about myself (am I a good enough of a person, worthy of love from a healthy person?) and being co-dependent, I started to become a doormat in this relationship until my sense of identity was eroded away, or I finally had enough, stood up for myself and the other person just starts to become more abusive.
After the relationship & the various recycles
In the past couple of years I've grown tremendously in life. I have a better sense of self, partly thanks to therapy, thanks to being happy in what I do in life (quiting my old job and starting my own company), and great social contacts that can really give you a sense of worthiness, for lack of better words. In the past two years, however, I've still been recycled by my ex quite a few times. Now that I'm fresh off the latest recycle, and wrote all the things that have happened since the break up in 2014 on paper, I can see a clear pattern.
Early 2016: A bit over a year since the break up, with me finally being in a good headspace and not depressed anymore. The ex contacts through mail. She is with my replacement, living together with him. She mails to tell me that she now realise she was (in her words) the rotten apple in the last few years of the relationship, asks to forgive her and tells me that she hasn't stopped thinking about me a year since the break up. I am of course flattered, we have some contact through mail, after a week or so it pretty much bleeds out.
April 2016: Just as I go on a holiday with some colleagues for a week, she starts mailing again, about how she is unhappy in her current relationship and still misses me and the things we would always do together. Through the course of my holiday we have low-key contact through text, as I've opened up any blockings that were presents thanks to her sweet talking. When I return from holiday, the contact bleeds out again.
Summer 2016: She starts texting again, says she misses me, her relationship is terrible, she doesn't feel appreciated, lists all sorts of problems with her current bf. After enough sweet talking, she convinces me to meet up at my house. We talk about deep stuff and superficial stuff, and for the next four days she comes by each day to talk and watch movies together (a thing we used to do a lot). She says I have to be patient, the relationship she's in is about the burst, they're already sleeping in seperate beds, she's going on a holiday with her parents and he isn't even invited anymore.
I have to make a work trip to the States for a week. During my staying there, I notice the texts get shorter and further in between. When I make a remark about this, she says she just had a great weekend with her bf, and her paying for her dreamhouse alone isn't an option. So while she doesn't literally state as much, its clear that the things she told me a week ago have changed again. Contact comes to a halt and a few weeks later I learn that the replacement is, of course, with her and her parents on holiday. They even plan to make a child together. It hurts, but I give up, continue working on myself and more or less get over it.
Fall 2016: There's some contact again, once again started by her. Im going through some life changes as I've just told my work that I would be quitting, the work I've been doing for ten years and my first job since I gratuated, and Im going to start my own company early 2017. She talks about it with me and gives me the feeling I can share everything. A few weeks later contact stops again.
Early 2017: She starts contact again, the relationship is about to fall apart. We go to an amusement park together and go to dinner, have a lot of fun, promises about the near future are made. A few days later contact gets sparse again, after pushing she tells me shes going to try it one more time with the replacement. A few weeks later, contact starts again and she tells me she has left the replacement. We hang out for about a month. In the first few weeks she wants to see me almost every day, like in the old days. We go on lots of dates, she opens up about the problems she had in her previous relationship, we have sex a couple of times, it really feels like this time will be different.
Then the contact gets very sparse again, she texts way less and its even difficult to see her once a week. She promises to stay the night but at the last minute cancels that, sex isn't an option anymore because it reminds her of being used like in her previous relationship. When I confront her after a few weeks she gets mad, tells me Im only thinking about my own feelings. I explode, can't take it anymore, and contact comes to a halt again.
Fall 2017: This started about a month ago. She contacts me again, tells me she wants to start hanging out again, she is changed. Earlier this year she was confused because of breaking up the previous relationship, but now she's more clear in the head. SHe wants to take things slow, no sex as of yet, but just do fun stuff. SO we do fun stuff, although half of the time she is telling me things I have to change about myself if things can work out. I nod and try to do the stuff she wants. After a few weeks, she has a terrible mood on a date and calls me all sorts of names and walks out on me. I try for a week to talk it out, which finally works. We have one good afternoon and I start talking about how we see each other just once a week now compared to in the beginning, she explodes again. Im a child, I havent accomplished anything in life. A few weeks ago she thought that the fact that I wasn't in a serious relationship for the past two years meant something (positive), now it just meant that no one wanted me. I should just hang myself, she says.
The aftermath
That was a week ago and since then neither she or I have made contact.
So, I guess there's a clear pattern forming now, of her reaching out after a while, me taking the bait, things going fine for a few weeks then exploding in my face again. I can see that things start to unravel when I try to talk about my feelings, which in turn pushes her away, makes her feel suffocated I guess. But what sort of a relationship is one where you can't talk about your own feelings?
Problem is that I need validation as well, I need to every once in a while need to hear I am loved, or that she wants to be with me, or that she won't walk away all of a sudden. But these validations don't come and when it takes long enough I start fishing for them, in a polite way to try and avoid arguments, if I might add. But even that is too much and things explode again.
I would greatly appreciate any advise. I am not sure I want to continue this dynamic. Well I don't want to continue this dynamic of course, I want to change it, but I'm not sure if that is even possible. I think I need a person that loves me back in a clear way just like I love someone, which of course is a problem with BPD. Still, I have never loved anyone more than her and all other dates Ive had since the break up feel empty and fake. I know it takes time, a healthy relationship shouldn't be like a BPD-relationship where you are love bombed and mirrored instantly, but still.
Should I pursue her once more but try a different tactic? Maybe never try to validate my own feelings? Should I just wait it out till she contacts again (which, while Im not certain, is certainly in line with the pattern Ive written out above)? Or should I just listen to friends and family and start to block off every option for her to contact me, work on myself and never look back again? I know you can't answer that for me, but I would love to hear your opinion about it.
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