Teachers

[I_Am_The_Fire]

How much do you tell your children's teachers about their other parent being high conflict (NPD/BPD), if anything?

My youngest (D5) was having behavioral issues in daycare (improved when I switched daycare, long story) and now in school. One of her behaviors (hitting and laughing about it) disturbingly reminds me of her father's behavior (uexBPD\NPDh).

I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, if it's normal for kids her age, or what. I've had short talks with her about it before that it's wrong, how would she like it if someone did that to her, and so on.  Her behavior improves for awhile and then pops up again seemingly out of the blue. I can't seem to find any triggers or patterns as to when she does this. The only other thing I can think of is that she may be learning it from her older sister (D12) who tends to resent her (large age gap) and she takes her resentment out on her every so often. I've had multiple talks with her about it as well. She tells me that her dad encourages them to hit each other back in self defense. I don't know if it's true and/or if that's part of it.

I think I'm also afraid my ex will convince her teacher that I'm the problem, that it's my fault, and so on and that nothing will get resolved. The prior daycare person kept telling me "you both need to <fill in the blank> when it comes to the kids" which I resented. I was doing the best I could for the kids while it felt like he was trying to undermine me every step of the way. I can't control him. I can't tell him what to do. I do my best to help the kids and then get blamed for when things go bad. It's frustrating.

I've been down this road before and I feel apprehensive that it won't go well. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

[Turkish]

"Self-defense" doesn't sound like part of a typical 5 year old's vocabulary.  She might have indeed picked that up.  I forgot of their dad was diagnosed with anything?

So is she hitting kids in school or otherwise getting in trouble?

My kids hit each other,  but it's better.  I flat out tell them that if they did that to an adult they would go to jail.  I imagine it would be harder with a teenager as part of the equation. 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Their dad hasn't officially been diagnosed. The BPD\NPD possibility is from the opinion of different therapists but nothing official.

I'll be talking with her teacher next week about it more. I found out last night from her that she hit the kid because she stuck her tongue out at her. So it may just be typical 5 year old behavior. We had a good talk about how hitting is bad and to just ignore/turn away from her in the future if she does it again. So we'll see where it goes. This is the first time this year I've heard of behavior problems in school.

[livednlearned]

I found over the years that the best approach was to state once that I could not speak for N/BPDx, only myself and that I was open to feedback and ideas about how to correct behavior. Then let it go.

I did ask for separate parent-teacher interviews, and anytime there was an IEP/504 meeting, asked that the school try to hold them separately. One time they held it with both parents attending and N/BPDx was so hostile toward me that they went back to separate meetings.

When you are given advice that is offensive (i.e., both parents need to be on the same page) one response is, "I couldn't agree more. Do you have solutions that have worked with other divorced parents who don't see eye-to-eye about violence toward others?"

Inside, you can just roll your eyes and say "duh." 

When people have simple solutions to complicated problems, sometimes it helps to ask them what they would do. It shows that you are open to improving your own skills, and makes them realize it's not so easy. After our divorce, S9 was supposed to take medication. N/BPDx didn't comply, and the child psychiatrist kept telling me it was important that S9 took the medication at both homes. I said, "I couldn't agree more. Perhaps this will be more effective if this comes from you, rather than from me, under the circumstances."

I believe her email to N/BPDx was met with a 10 paragraph response about how no one tells him how to parent his child.

My son drove a sharp pencil into the chest of another kid -- fortunately it was winter and the kid was wearing a padded vest. N/BPDx told S9, "Atta boy, he probably had it coming." I met with the school's family specialist and asked lots of questions. We invited S9 to the office and together we talked to him. Then, she suggested S9 wait outside. I asked her if she felt there was anything different I should've said or did.

Things like that can tell the school that you are working hard alongside them, rather than against them.

My concern about the actual behavior is that she has genetics that predispose her to intense emotions (this is true with my son, too). If so, you may want to get ahead of this by reading highly intense child books, or explosive child, and learn the skills recommended there. The biology of intense emotional kids means it is harder to regulate feelings, so behavioral outbursts are more likely, followed by the shame and maladaptive coping mechanisms that they see in their BPD parent.

You are intuitive and wise to be concerned, and she is lucky to have you looking out for her and paying attention to problem behaviors that under normal circumstances could be easily corrected, but with a BPD parent, can take on a life of their own.

[soundofmusicgirl]

DH and I (stepmom) try to keep things as simple as possible with teachers. It is also difficult because we live across the ocean and therefore they see BPDXmom interact with the kids but not us.
Whenever we are in town, DH tries to meet all teachers in person.

Over the years we had some teachers and special ed teachers that figured out what was going on and ended up greatly supporting my DH in his efforts to be in his kids life. We also had some teachers that completely believed BPDxw stories about how absolutely dependant the kids are on her and how fragile their mental health is and ended up letting BPDxmom get away with lots of stuff (like not having to hand in complete homework etc).

DH however lets all the teachers know asap that he needs all communication about what is happening in school (events, projects etc) directly from them as those things are not communicated to him via their mother. None of the teachers had any problems with that.

IEPs and parent teacher conferences are all separate from BPDxw. Some teachers tell us in the beginning that my DH is getting the same info that they have given BPDxw. My DH never requested to have separate meetings from BPDxw but she did. He likes to signal to the school that he is ok with sitting in one room with his BPDxw for the kids sake.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

livednlearned... .Thank you for the good advice and I will remember it! I'll also look for childrens books about intense emotions.

I spoke with her teacher and it went really well. It turns out that she is actually normally well behaved in class and an eager learner. She's soaking up the lessons like a little sponge and is doing really well. It sounds like her outburst was a one time thing so far and she does show remorse afterwards. So we're glad to see that. I'm still working on empathy with her. She's also getting better at telling me how she is feeling now like "I am mad at you!" which is much better than "I hate you!"

soundofmusicgirl... .Thank you as well! I decided to keep it simple as well and also to not point fingers at anyone. It worked really well. She sends out a newsletter every week via email which I think is great. It helps me to know I have all the information I need. My ex has yet to share any information that he receives about the kids during his time with them.

I'm glad our parent teacher conferences are separate this year. Last year, the teacher insisted on one conference per child regardless. My ex sat there very quietly doing everything he could to not look at me. He went so far as to put up a hand up to the side of his face possibly to block me out. Afterwards the kids wanted me to go with them to the school library since there was a book fair. He made sure his back was to me the entire time. It was really obvious.