How to get over the resentment

[Defeated1]

New here 

I have an 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed with BPD, with substance abuse issues, eating disorder issues, depression, anxiety, PTSD.

Right now the BPD with the substance abuse is what's draining me.  I have  11 year old twins who are needy themselves (autism, and learning disorder) who have been all but neglected the last 2 years while husband and I focused on our eldest.  She did a day treatment program for 6 months that was 40 minutes away for her bulimia.  Last winter/spring, as an outpatient, added addiction to weed, alcohol and cough syrup into the mix.  Secretly performed sex acts with online people for money or drugs. Numerous ER visits for self harm.  Tons of fighting and verbal abuse, broken house rules.  Most recently, she did an inpatient program for concurrent disorders for over 4 weeks, which is where she was diagnosed with BPD. The program got her clean, she resolved to stay clean, until her first day in a day treatment program with other addicts.  Within 10 days graduated to benzos and cocaine.  We made firm rules if she lives at home, she stays clean, including doing drug tests. 

She still uses weed.  I am sick and tired of the lies.  I resent that my 2 other kids have been neglected for this adult child, and I wouldn't be so resentful if I got something back, but she just sneaks around and lies. It feels like we are the ones always compromising, and she just does what she wants.  There is more to the story but too much to type.  I hate the way I feel, as a mother... .I find myself detaching from her because I just can't relate to her.  Drug use has caused her SO MUCH LOSS and she still hangs on to it and says husband and I are unrealistic... .it's  just weed.  The thing is, we made a rule if she wants to live here, she stays clean.  She agreed to it, but when gets caught in a lie, says we gave her no choice. I know it's bull but I also know she has no where to go and if she goes to a shelter she will become a victim of robbery or assault or worse. 

I'm angry at her.  I know it's a mental illness, but with the substance abuse so much happened that I struggle to wonder if I can forgive.  The staff at her day treatment want me to come in to a meeting with her to look at starting to repair our relationship.  But the crappy mother that I am, I don't feel like spending more time on it, she lies and betrays too much.  She points out to me that I don't give credit to the good things she does (has been able to hold a part time job so far, getting good grades in her day treatment program, but she's a VERY smart girl and is used to heavier school load).  It's like I can't get past her lies, how it feels like she uses us.

Someone set me straight, I feel like the the most hateful parent in the world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Defeated1... .and boy do you need a hug! ... .and another !

For what it is worth... .I do not think you are a "hateful parent" nor a "crappy mother."  This girl has sent you to hell and back a few times and you are worn out.

I hear what you are saying about being caught between a rock and a hard place in regards to having her continue to live in the house although she defies you.  It is scary to think of her, especially the age she is, going into a shelter or on the street.  Also, you have the added burden of having your 11-year-old twins in the background taking all this in.   This is a tricky but whatever decisions you come to, I'm sure will be well thought out.

As angry as you are (and you deserve to be) I really don't think you can pass up the opportunity to go that meeting with the day-treatment-staff... .especially being she is going to be there, too.  My daughter has gone into counselling by herself, with different partners and with her children... .but... .has refused to ever go in with me... .her Mom... .her nemesis.   With that said, it has always been me she has come to when her world fell apart... .again and again and again.

I'm in my mid-70's now... .my daughter is 51.  Sadly we, too, let our family life pivot on her.  Our long saga started when she first ran away at 12 years of age.  While none of our stories are the same, we share the heartache and so many times the feeling of being helpless as we try to save our children from themselves.

You mention "husband" so there are two of you to help share the load.  Our daughter has worked hard over the years to divide/conquer... .at times an added stress for our relationship.  I sincerely hope the two of you are able to be a united front.

I will tell you that I am angry at my child, too.  It took me a long, long time to get to this point but now I am feeling empowered.  The anger has given me strength to set boundaries I never could before.

I encourage you, Defeated1, to keep posting.  Sometimes it is much easier to let off steam in an environment such as this.  You are anonymous... .there is no judging... .there are no interruptions.  It is all about you.  You deserve to be heard.

Hang on, Mom!  You have been the best mother your daughter could have had!

[HockeyDad10]

I truly identify with your frustrations. Our journey with our son was focused on addiction and all the associated lies and destructive behaviors. The BPD diagnosis only happened recently (which astonishes me that it was not identified earlier). As I read about BPD, I feel like I am reading about my son. As I learn more about caring for someone with BPD, I am realizing my behaviors (at times... .) have also been destructive. This is a tough realization for myself.

My biggest struggle is to understand what is driving his decisions. Is it the BPD? Is it a "conscious" decision? Should he be held accountable? Do consequences actually work? He is also stuck with "weed" as his "medicine" and he has convinced himself it is necessary. We see the destruction and negative affect on his life.

My biggest realization is I need to focus on myself since I am now also suffering. I cannot help him if I am also sick. I read the tools on bpdfamily and this will be part of me improving how I communicate with him. I have started to change my language system. It doesn't always work and he still explodes but I try not to explode back at him. I think my biggest failing has been "invalidating" his behaviors either through my words or my non-verbal cues. He then reacts to this and explodes. I am then confused because I don't understand why he is upset. Then it is escalate, escalate ... .unless I recognize the sequence and interrupt the process.

I am trying to shift from resentment and anger to understanding and support. A very tough challenge when I have personalized my son's actions. I know my other major challenge will be setting boundaries and limits. When I have done this in the past the battles with my son have been major and painful.

[helpingmyson]

I sympathize with your feelings. The way I have learned to limit being angry is understanding two things. First and foremost, our sons and daughters with BPD are suffering, and substance abuse is usually an attempt to escape from it. They lack the ability to cope or soothe themselves without resorting to it. They know we don't approve of drug use so they will often lie about it.

Second, the brains of people with BPD usually have impaired "executive functioning." This often results in impulsive behavior, poor judgement, etc. even though they are inelligent. For additional information, there are articles on this site about executive function.

Dealing with our sons and daughters can be maddening, but just being aware of these things and recognizing what is influencing their behavior helps me not to react so much with anger.

[atmywitsendtoo]

I went through much of the same with my BPD daughter. We have recently had some success with her doing DBT and all of us going to family therapy to work on our relationships with her.

I know how awful you feel because I have been there, but there is hope. I was hopeless not too long ago, but my daughter is now doing significantly better.

One thing that might help you lessen your resentment of your daughter is to understand and remember that the "lies" they tell are confabulations that they completely believe to be true. They are bits and pieces of memories that have been distorted, pulled apart and reformed into what they believe to be the truth. My daughter seemed to just make up the nastiest lies about me, but I came to understand that she was not intentionally lying. She actually believed her distorted thinking and memories to be true and because she had so many false but negative thoughts about me and memories of awful things I had never really done she was constantly beyond angry with me and was constantly acting out against me. Through therapy I have come to understand this and so I cannot resent her for saying things that she absolutely thought were true. She is now misinterpreting what I do and say in a negative light much less often and so is less angry with me and acts out against me less.

Another important factor that has been very helpful is staying in the present. The therapist tells up the past is the past and we are not to discuss the past. We are only to discuss issues that arise in the present. It is related to "mindfulness" which is part of DBT therapy and instructs you to do all you can to let go of the past and to do your best to only be in the present moment.

I hope you find these two concepts as helpful and I have found them to be and I wish all the best to you, your daughter and your other children. I know it is more than hard and often seems impossible, but change for the better is possible. I have seen it happen and I wish it for you.