New member -- calling 911

[OnTheSearch]

So I'm a 65 year old mom with a 30 year old borderline daughter who lives with me.  Her episodes have been more frequent and more emotionally abusive over the last 9 months including starving herself til she passed out, suicidal threats and constant and irrational texting and refusing therapy.  Today I called 911 after another blow out.  She's now being evaluated at the hospital and for the first time won't let me in.  I'm heart broken even tho I just want her to get help.
I'm sitting in the waiting room. 
Thanks for letting me post

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[2sobermom]

We hear you.  Been to many an ER.  I know you want the best for your child; help yourself while you are waiting and read more posts here, maybe?

[Kwamina]

Hi OnTheSearch

Dealing with a BPD child can be very difficult. It is very sad that your daughter is having these struggles and I understand how hard it must be for you as her mother seeing her go through this.

BPD is a serious disorder and considering your daughter's concerning behaviors, I think you made the right move trying to get some professionals involved.

Your daughter's behavior has escalated these last 9 months. Did something perhaps happen 9 months ago that you believe might have triggered her? Or did this behavioral change come totally out of the blue?

I hope your daughter will now get the help she needs. Is she already diagnosed with BPD? Did she perhaps ever get any kind of targeted treatment/therapy in the past?

Take care and I am glad you reached out here for support

[OnTheSearch]

Thanks Kwamina and 2sobermom.  My daughter was admitted and finally asked to see me.  But only to tell me that she is done with me being in her life and I am not to visit etc.  My heart is broken, but I started the day with her packing to leave with no real place to go and “not planning to be alive long enough to worry about it” and end it knowing she is in the hands of professionals.  I don’t believe she will ever trust me again (this is the third time she’s been hospitalized). This sounds like a pretty pitiful post .  I am just so sad. 

Does this ever get better?

[Kwamina]

Hi OnTheSearch,

Thanks for this update. I understand you being sad, this really is a very difficult situation to be in.

Will your daughter now be getting any (longterm) targeted treatment for her issues? Do you have contact with the professionals treating her and if you do, what is their assesment of your daughter's mental health status and what is their treatment plan?

Your daughter's self-harming and suicidal behaviors are very concerning. We have a thread here that you might find helpful:
How To Be Helpful to Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide

I also encourage you to explore the tools and lessons in the right-hand side margin of this board. They can help you in your interactions with your daughter.

The situation is difficult but I do believe there is still hope. You might not be able to control your daughter's behavior, but you can work on yourself and I think you reaching out for support here is a very postive step

Take care

[wendydarling]

Hi OnTheSearch

Welcome OTS - here is a big hug from me  , I understand your sadness, I too have visited the emergency room and women's crisis house. You did the right thing as the information Kwamina shared with you says. Does it get better, it has for me, I told my DD there is help out there for her, I'm walking the path with her all the way, we will get through this, I gave her hope. I've been learning about BPD and understanding what that means for my DD and for me.

OTS do you have family or friends you can talk to?

We are here for you, you are not alone.

WDx

[OnTheSearch]

Thank you both wendydarling and Kwamina -- 

Kwamina -- My daughter has continually fought therapy and unfortunately has been in a medication management program that hasn't required it as a pre-requisite to treatment.  I don't know what is happening at the hospital because she has signed papers prohibiting them from discussing her medical issues with me and due to the fact that she was quite clear during her intake that she didn't want me to visit and I've decided to respect her wishes (which is killing me).
I have to rely on her boyfriend who is the only one permitted to know anything and he is not particularly aggressive (which may be a good thing).

Although yesterday she called me because she knew he was working and she needed toiletries etc. She wanted to know if the bf was coming to visit and said if he's not, can you? Perhaps I was wrong, but I told her that she was quite clear that she wanted nothing to do with me or for me to visit and I was going to honor that unless she specifically requested otherwise.  We did exchange somewhat tearful "I love yous" at the end of the conversation.

Does anyone have an opinion as to whether I should visit or not?  She reminded me that it was impractical to not speak since she is living under my roof and I replied to her that nothing is certain until we all speak with therapists and define boundaries if she is going to live with me.

I'm trying to walk the line between giving her pretty total control of MY life (which has been the case for the last ten years) and letting her know I am not abandoning her. 

I welcome your experiences.
Thanks.
OTS

[Kwamina]

Hi again OnTheSearch

I have to rely on her boyfriend who is the only one permitted to know anything and he is not particularly aggressive (which may be a good thing).

How would you describe the relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend? How do they generally treat each other?

Does anyone have an opinion as to whether I should visit or not?

I think it does not even really matter what 'should' or 'shouldn't' be done. It think what's most important to consider is if you want to visit her or not and whether visiting her now will be in her long term best interest. When you ask yourself these questions, what are your answers?

I'm trying to walk the line between giving her pretty total control of MY life (which has been the case for the last ten years) and letting her know I am not abandoning her.  

Validation and boundaries go hand in hand in my opinion. Loving boundaries is probably the best approach because love without boundaries really isn't love at all and can lead to total self-sacrifice for another which definitely would not be in your best interest. Also setting boundaries without empathy or love can easily make you lose sight of why you were setting boundaries in the first place.

Your daughter needs to learn from the consequences of her behavior and at the same time you can still show her that you care for her, without actually taking care of her. Being caring is something you can take responsibility for, but your daughter is the one responsible for taking care of herself.

Your daughter's situation is quite serious with her self-harm and suicidal tendencies. Though being firm with your boundaries is crucial, unconditional love is also crucial as it signals to her that though there might be consequences if she misbehaves, she is still unconditionally loved and accepted as a person. Loving boundaries.