Overwhelmed and Exhausted

[sciteach]

Hello,

This is my first time posting on a board. My 18 year old son recently has been diagnosed with sever major depression with boardline personality traits. He's always been somewhat of a melancholy child but last March, things took a nose dive. With severe suicidal ideations he spent his first of four behavioral health hospitalization. It's as if someone pulled the plug on the bathtub and all the water just goes spiraling down the drain in an unstoppable path. A year ago, he was college bound, working a part-time job, and actively involved in the high school marching band. Today, it's a chore to get him to go to school or do anything. He's on a leave of work, missed over 5 weeks of school, and barely can get out of bed most days. He's seeing a Psychiatrist, a therapist 2x/week, and is on Wellbutrin, Lithium, and Trazadone. I just spent the last 45 minutes on the phone with the school counselor because her and another teacher were talking to him and he expressed he has no reason to live. There is no joy or happiness in life- it's not worth living... .all negative outlooks and impressions of people and situations around him despite the contrary reality. He doesn't want to try any of the coping skills because he says it won't help. I am so frustrated and tired. I don't know what to do. I feel extremely helpless as he's 18 now and can refuse all treatment.
Even if there's not an answer out there I just needed to say something.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beady]

I well remember when I first became aware that the life I envisioned for my son was not going to happen. It was such a profound sense of loss. Loss of the life that we had known up until then. Loss of the joy, of the son that had been. It hurts, and 'yes' the worst of it is that at 18 year old, they are legally seen as being able to make their own decisions. And to get help with the cost of counselling through a work-related EAP program, they need to make the call for help themselves. I think the people who set up these guidelines have no experience with mentally ill teens. A lot of profound changes happen to the growing brain at that age, and few teens I know are willing to make that first step on their own to seek help.
I wish I could tell you there is a quick answer to make it all the way it was before, but I can only give you my advice. Which is to take it easy on yourself. I would advise to you to take a Leave of Absence yourself. One of the worst mistakes I made during the time after my son was diagnosed was to try to continue to work and pretend that everything was fine and normal, when the reality was that it was far from it. There will be a lot of appointments, and a lot of info to take in, and sleepless nights. You will need time to deal with all of this.
I'm also wondering if there is a support group in your area for you. Other parents going through a similar situation as you may have some advice as to how to deal with the mental health system in your area. They have been in the same place as yourself at one time or another, and they may have names of mental health professionals that they have found to perhaps have a special interest in teenagers such as your son. My son is actually schizophrenic ( my daughter I believe is BPD), but there is a special out-patient Early Psychosis Clinic that dealt with him during his initial diagnosis and follow-up. So, finding someone who is interested and has experience treating other young patients is important.
That's about all I can offer for advice. It's a road that is lonely, but this is great board to vent and share your experiences.

[livednlearned]

Hi sciteach,

It can feel so powerless to watch a child fail to launch

My mother used to say we are only as happy as our saddest child. When that child is special needs and mentally ill, that sadness can be profound.

What is your relationship with your son like? Does he open up to you?

When my loved one says he doesn't want to try any coping skills, I try to meet him where he's at. We have introduced the word "yet" to his vocabulary. Or I have introduced it  He will say, "I can't do this" and I add "yet."

It does help to learn validation skills so you can create a validating environment. This is a communication skill that emerged in the suicide prevention community. Clinicians realized that disagreeing with their patients about how bad things were only made things worse. When they acknowledged the pain that their patients were feeling, without agreeing that they were awful/bad/terrible/useless, etc., the patients did not get worse and in many cases, began to improve. It's similar to active listening.

Does your son live far away? Do you anticipate that he needs to move home?

Glad you found the site   

It really does help to share what you're going through with others.

LnL

[Sapphire001]

Just wanted to say hello and I understand. my son was 20 at the weekend - recently diagnosed with BPD after a childhood dx of ADHD/Aspergers. he spent his birthday crying and telling me that he didn't want to be here any more, that he has wanted to be dead for years and now he's 20 and still here and it hurts him. Broke my heart... .

He can be a loving, funny, amazing boy but this illness is taking him down down down the rabbit hole and I don't know if he will ever come back. He's been offered some limited support but seems unwilling to want to even give it a try, even as he tells me he hates how he is and wants to get better. He self medicates with weed, steal from me, lies and the shame of that makes him even worse. I'm now coming to the conclusion that one day he will end up killing himself, because it's all he talks about (he's tried once) - he says the only reason he doesn't do it is because he knows how much it will hurt me, but I wonder how long he can cope with his own hurt before it takes over.

All I can do is be there and be supportive and cling onto hope that things will improve, one day. Taking each day, each hour as it comes. We are at the start of this hellish BPD ride and I can't offer any practical advice - but know that you're not alone x