Just a cup of coffee,

[Red5]

This morning I got up at five thirty as I usually do, slipped out of the bed, no noise, tried to not to make any noise, or to disturb… I let the dogs out, made the coffee, ran the dishwasher, fed the cats, woke up my Son for school, and got him started, I then went and took my shower, and dressed, and then I made both our lunches, and then went into the office, watched the weather, and the news, made sure my Son was brushing his teeth, and that he was dressed appropriately for the weather, then I poured my Son a cup of coffee into his travel mug, and put out his banana, and his vitamins, I packed up my bag, his bag, picked out his jacket, and was ready to go, on time and a little early… a pretty good morning, quiet and peaceful.
Then my wife woke up, and she came out into the kitchen where we were, she has been feeling pretty bad due to her medications, she was pretty sick all day yesterday, and as well the day before, … My Son is autistic, he is thirty-one, and I drop him off at his adult vocational program each morning, and then off to work I go. My wife has resigned her position due to her illness, and ongoing treatments, so she stays home all day now, when she is feeling bad, I try my best to keep ALL pressures off, and away from her, because I know what can happen if I let anything get through.
She is constantly trying to “teach” my Son (she is his step mother) “better behaviors”… So she comes out of the bedroom, sees that I have made him a travel mug (along with mine), instead of just a cup, and she says… “I really hate when you do that, I am trying to teach him to be ready on time, you should get up before seven, and you would not be in such a hurry”… Yeah, seven she said… she had been asleep since five when my alarm first went off, and I had gotten up after I turned it off (it’s one of those nature noise makers, I have it set to ocean surf sounds) … And I could then feel her starting in on me, and I tried to disarm her, I retorted, “Please don’t do this, it’s been a peaceful morning so far, a cup of coffee is not the end of the world, I don’t mind him drinking coffee on the way to school”… And BOOM, in less than ten seconds, she goes off on me… “your Son this, YOUR Son that”… GET AWAY FROM ME !… “You could care less what I think” she says”… All because I made him a cup of coffee to take along,
Ten seconds.
She then storms off to the office, and slams the door… I give chase, wanting to “make up” (stupid idea I know)… She says, “you BETTER be home before six, because I won’t be here when his mentor drops him off, DO YOU UNDERSTAND !”… I tried to issue an apathetic apology, but of course, “no joy”… She said… “I mean it, I WON’T be here !”…
Nice way to start off your day eh’… Out of nowhere… as usual… Over something as trivial as a friggen cup of hot “joe” for my kid…… then that old familiar sick & soggy rolling feeling started up from the bottom of my gut, making its way up to my heart, and then the old tingling feeling continues outwards, down both arms, and to my fingertips… Then the old dull well worn out feeling made itself at home in my chest, and perched itself in the back of my head (great)… Like putting dirty wet work clothes back on, and sliding your sore feet back into ill-fitting wet work boots… Same old crap, again, and again, and again…
So I sit here at work, and I come here to write it out, This is all consuming now, as much as I have tried to not let that happen… How many times has this exact same scenario played out… over and over and over, it was worse when she was working, before she got sick, but now there is a different frequency to it, a different “channel” now, she is much more personal with it… I don’t even look forward to going home anymore, Or else spending time with her, she is just another “chore” now (I know that sounds bad), something else to take care of, to placate, to ensure is happy, or else you’re going to get the “what-for”… Better be careful, load the dishwasher correctly, make sure my Son gets into the shower on time in the evenings, he better be back out in fifteen minutes too, or else… Better not stay up too late, or make any noise, Better make sure you do this, do that, and do the other, Better NOT trigger her, or else you’re going to get an ear full, and a gut full, and a head full of blah blah blah… and blah.
On the way out the door I said, “so where are you going”… She said “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS”… I said, “ok, so go then, and stay a week, no a MONTH!”… And I left.
This is exhausting, what could I have done different, maybe said nothing, that has worked over the past few days, and weeks, there have been other flare-ups since the last full blown rage, and I skirted around each of these incidents… but today, this morning, she got to me, if I would have said nothing, would that have worked… I don’t know… Yes, this is exhausting.
Six years married, ten years relationship.
A cup of coffee… just a damn cup of coffee, for my Son… Geez,

[Tattered Heart]

I like your writing style. You create a great picture of what happened. And it's frustrating when it seems like you are just stuck in a conflict loop. Are you ready to get out of the loop?

Here's the key: You have to start seeing life from her perspective. It's difficult, but you may see major improvements. So she wakes up, sees the travel mug, doesn't know that you have been up since 5, and automatically assumes that you did not listen to her. So she's mad. She feels like you don't care what she has to say. Trust me. It's not about the coffee. It's about what she feels.

When you say to her "Please stop. It's just coffee." what she hears is "I don't care what you just said" which further causes her to believe what she was feeling about telling you to get up earlier, that you weren't listening. And this point she feels completely invalidated so she gets mad.

I saw in a previous post that you are lists person. So heres a list:

1. When she makes a statement, any statement, ask yourself, "What is she feeling right now? What is she REALLY saying?
2. Validate that feeling or let her know that she is important to you. Unfortuantely IT IS all about her until you can get past what she is feeling.
3. Don't Invalidate by Justifying, Apologizing, Defending, or Explaining
4. Retake the temperature. If needed validate again. After steps 1-3 you might be able to share some sort of truth with her.

So practically in this scenario:

She wakes up. Sees the coffee mug. "I told you to get up earlier." (or whatever it was she said.)
You: (Stay realxed. Don't get emotional) Getting up early really was a great idea when you suggested it. Thank you. We got up at 5 and got a lot done this morning. (Notice this addresses her accusation while also making it about her and you listening to her)
Her: Why didn't he drink his coffee at the table? You're running late so you just gave him a travel mug.
You: I can see how that could be confusing. (Again validating) He wanted to drink coffee on the way to school. Love you. Have a great day. (Exit house) This is using SET.

[Red5]

@Tattered Heart,
Thank you for your response, and yes, … I am ready to get out of the loop.
I think my main problem, in this conflicted relationship is that I am pretty much expecting her to be forthwith in her mannerisms (perceived anger), I am always expecting her to be mad, for a wide variety of reason (egg shells) …. And no matter how hard I try to avoid (landmines), I trip them (her feelings), and the fact that I am always on edge, almost as if I have a hand up expecting her to actually strike me (emotionally speaking) … is helping nothing… because she knows I have my hand up.
The hand up is conditioning over a period of time (10 years relationship),  “[Unfortuantely IT IS all about her until you can get past what she is feeling.]” …. Yes, unfortunately, it seems that she is in a constant state of “feeling” …. I have heard it said that one “wears their feelings on their sleeves”, this is what she does, yesterday, when I got home from work, she proceeded to tell me about how she went full bore on the poor prescription person over the phone, due to lack of delivery service, as a matter of fact (to paint a picture), she does seem to “un-leash” on some poor person who is on the phone to take her order, or to help her with a purchase, insurance, etc etc …. And the day before that, she got mad at me because after I got my Son into the house, and got him washed for supper, I had to go to the rest room, and she even got mad about that, because I was not at the dinner table when I was supposed to be (yeesh) …. she can be triggered by most anything it seems …. It’s like walking on the hot railroad tracks barefoot, over the trestle, knowing the train may be coming ….
As you have written, steps 1 & 2, I am pretty good at these technics most times …. As I watch and I listen to her (exhausting after a time), to ensure I get it right, and not anger her … but when I am tired, and have had enough, I do grow despondent, and I may “snip” back in retaliation, which I do understand is quite futile.
I am usually pretty adept at “redirection” as you have written “[So practically in this scenario:]”, … I guess the BLUF is this, I am not communicating with a person whom can be reasoned with, and over the last eight years (six married), it has gotten worse …. I cannot be myself, I must watch my very thought processes, and speech in order to avoid conflict with my wife, again … utterly exhausting, and all the while I am running interference between her and my Son, who can in no measure interact with her verbally, or else defend himself, quite honestly, she seems to go after him almost constantly ….
uBPD, … this is a tough thing to live with, I am a caretaker now, she is not my friend, not my companion, I have to watch everything I say around her, how I act, how I portray,  there is no sharing anything for fear it will trigger, …. and I have to control the flow of information, to avoid flare-ups, and rages …. She is disagreeable almost constantly now …. But I am trying, … I have read the tools here, and I try to incorporate them when I am interacting with her …. But it does grow tiresome … I know I should never allow her to dysregulate me into conflict, I should avoid, and back off, and ensure she “gets her way” if at all possible, or else …. Not a good way to live.
“[You: I can see how that could be confusing. (Again validating) He wanted to drink coffee on the way to school. Love you. Have a great day. (Exit house) ]” …. In this instance, her reaction would most likely to be to take his coffee mug away from him, and pour it into the sink, right in front of both him and me, even though I gave it to him, this is her modus operandi …. The constant “authoritarian” …. I (she) must be obeyed, … and damn your feelings in the matter.
It is a circular thing, cycle up, then down (recycle) …. Each time as we pass through the outside of the down cycle (circle) the centrifugal force (of anger) is worse …. At the outer most points, there are threats of divorce, and “I’m leaving” …. I have to be honest, at this point, I crave peace and quiet to the point if she were to leave, I don’t think I would care …... I know that sounds terrible, she is not able anyways any longer due to her career/health situation, but she has threatened on numerous occasions previously.
I will continue to stand by her, and take care of her, as I did take marriage vows with her …. But for the goodness sake, can I have some coffee with my Son without her NOT trying to ENFORCE her discipline upon us both …. "coffee" is but one example here.
This is the conundrum …. It’s like if she is mad, sad, upset, then the whole house is on lockdown …. and in hiding, or else fleeing.
Again, Tattered Heart, thanks for listening, and your response… I will try the tools again (SET * validation and not invalidating).

[Red5]

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[formflier]

Another thing that can be helpful to say is "Perhaps you are right." 

pwBPD specialize in tossing out weird stuff for us to do... .like... .in your case, getting up "earlier" at 7... .

Using a "knowing" wink wink nod nod "perhaps you are right" especially if you can tack on "building a bridge" to her at the end, just might do the trick.

Especially if all of this is combined with validation and all the rest that tattered heart put in there.  The more tools in the chest, the less likely any of them are to get "stale".

FF

[5min]

I just want to say thanks for posting your situation and for the responses. Mine parallels in so many ways and reading this has highlighted my blowing the "A" part of JADE. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Again, thanks.

[Tattered Heart]

I think my main problem, in this conflicted relationship is that I am pretty much expecting her to be forthwith in her mannerisms (perceived anger), I am always expecting her to be mad, for a wide variety of reason (egg shells) …. And no matter how hard I try to avoid (landmines), I trip them (her feelings), and the fact that I am always on edge, almost as if I have a hand up expecting her to actually strike me (emotionally speaking) … is helping nothing… because she knows I have my hand up.

I get this. I would often expect my H to respond angrily and in return he would respond to me in that way. I read a study that found that when teachers expect a student to be a bad student that student becomes a bad student. Yet the same student treated as a good student becomes a good student. Our pwBPD are like sponges at times. They pick up on sutble cues. My H knew that I expected him to blow up and he would respond to it. I actually apologized to him for expecting a negative response for him and began to change that. I would tell myself "He might get mad but he might not." Overtime my expectation of my H changed. He even said he noticed that I didn't seem as tense as him. It was then that I realized I was no longer walking on egg shells.

[Skip]

I poured my Son a cup of coffee into his travel mug, and put out his banana, and his vitamins, …and was ready to go, on time and a little early … a pretty good morning, …. quiet and peaceful.

Then my wife woke up, and she came out into the kitchen where we were, … she has been feeling pretty bad due to her medications, she was pretty sick all day yesterday, and as well the day before,  …. She comes out of the bedroom, sees that I have made him a travel mug (along with mine), instead of just a cup, and she says … “I really hate when you do that, I am trying to teach him to be ready on time, you should get up before seven, and you would not be in such a hurry”

___________________________________________________________

Red, if this was just about a cup of coffee, the post would look like this (above). And your response might have been, "teaching him more responsibility is good. I'm the one that poured the coffee, he didn't ask, so lets talk about it tonight when I get home about how we can work together on this.".

There are two very triggery people (for justified and unjustified reasons) ready to brawl at the drop of a hat. I'm not putting this on you - she may be twice as ready as you to escalate, but that would mean 66%:33%.

My only point is that this is not about "just a cup of coffee".

[Red5]

Red, if this was just about a cup of coffee, the post would look like this (above). And your response might have been, "teaching him more responsibility is good. I'm the one that poured the coffee, he didn't ask, so lets talk about it tonight when I get home about how we can work together on this.".

There are two very triggery people (for justified and unjustified reasons) ready to brawl at the drop of a hat. I'm not putting this on you - she may be twice as ready as you to escalate, but that would mean 66%:33%.

My only point is that this is not about "just a cup of coffee".

I hear you Tattered Heart & Skip & 5min, and you are completely correct, we are both (my wife and I) ready to "brawl" at the hat drop... .a “hair trigger’ as it were… Its “conditioning” you see, it’s been like this for  a long time now... .the travel mug of coffee was a trigger for her... .but this is my quandary, I do not know how long she had been awake in the bedroom, as I had closed the door so as not to wake her, but when she came out into the kitchen, there was no "good morning handsome", .no smile, no kiss, no... .it was straight to "I really hate when you do that"... .Man!... .she was all the way to MASTER ARM when she came out into the kitchen... .this is my (eggshell) world... .and then me, releasing my CHAFF, and my decoy FLARES, I say "Please don't do this"... .and then I got the "what for" for my seemingly insolent, and invalidating remark (retort)... .the ":)" in JADE

I am a very easy going person, I pick which hill to defend, or even die on, .I retreat, I go last, I eat last, I give my chair up, I give you my coat hat and gloves, I hold the door open, etc etc etc... .I hate fighting, and I will keep my mouth shut most times to avoid conflict, I will even accept fault, and or blame to keep the peace (martyr), .I will remain silent, but when the negative attitude (negative waves) are/is constant, this wears me down... .I feel very much unappreciated most times around her, maybe the wrong thing to say, I just don’t like giving giving and giving, and then I get my arse beaten for it (ugh)... .as I have written, she is not well, and she is taking meds, which make her feel pretty bad sometimes... .so I try (my best) to keep the triggers down (removed), .I "martial" my Son round the house so that she does not become in any way annoyed by him, or me either... .but sometimes I forget something, or I am not fast enough... .and we got caught in her "search light" of something to "___" about... .

I am trying Brother Skip, but it has become completely exhausting, and I am starting to become what I most feared, and that is to become a person that is "not my true myself", but a shell, a shadow, an man who avoids, and makes excuses for why we can't go here, or there, or talk to this family member, or have Thanksgiving at this house, or with these members of the family... .I give an MT smile, and say, we are ok, she is fine, .when in my heart I want to scream... .

She is my wife, I love her... .she is my responsibility (FOG), I signed on... .and I will stay with her, .to whatever means to an end comes to pass... .I am a caregiver,

No Sir, not about a cup of coffee at all, .lots more going on than that

[formflier]

Red5,

Leave the master arm off... .and make sure you take off with only one or two shots of chaff and flares.

Chaff and flares are only used when you are done... .the fight is over and you are going to light the burners and gain distance... .perhaps diving for the deck to trade altitude for speed. 

Chaff and flares during a "talk" tha twill continue... .will only confuse things.

Here is the thing... .your RWR gear needs to be calibrated better.  It goes off... way too much.  (for those scratching your heads... .it's pronounced "raw" gear... .radar warning receiver that tells you a missile is tracking you and you are the target). 

Here is the reality... .her tracking gear sucks and even if you continued on straight and level, it is unlikely you would take a fatal hit.  What I need you to realize is that a small "jink" is all that is needed.  Preserve your energy... .preserve chaff and flares... .jink slightly when she fires at you and continue on with your mission.

Make sense?

FF

[AskingWhy]

Red5, from what I gleaned from your post, in addition to the BPD explosion, is your W is maybe irritated, as it will sometimes happen with an adult special needs child, by the presence of your son.

Believe me, I know the divorce threats from my uBPD/uNPD H very well!

You have a lot on your plate as caregivers for the two others in your household:  your W and your adult S.  Living with a BPD spouse is like--you heard it--walking on eggshells. Living with any adult children, special needs or not, tends to get wearing for even a normal spouse.  I perceived this in your quote of your W, "your Son this, YOUR Son that.”

Calmness and validation might work here as you know your W has a hair-trigger temper that can be touched off by anything she perceives as threatening to her fragile sense of self.

To push the aviation metaphor here, maybe it's time to go off the radar and let things cool off.

I find the "cooling off" allows the pwBPD to "forget" the incident or at least its intensity.