And it’s all left in tatters

[Jester20]

So, hubby is 13 months into group therapy for BPD. He recently moved up to the therapy community... .it’s done in stages.
It is pretty challenging for him. I can see... .last 2 weeks have been a bit bumpy with a bit of an argument 2 weeks ago... .then last night he had a really hard time... .said he talked about some things and felt very embarrassed and angry. Was clearly still very angry when he picked me up from work in the evening. And clearly still very angry today as he sent me a very horrible text whilst I was at work. Led to a huge meltdown.
I consequently have asked for him to leave. He will discuss it at group next week.
He explained that he shared the lost in group yesterday than he has in a whole year. He told them we haven’t worn our wedding rings for 2 years, that I kicked him out of the bedroom 2 years ago, that we have no intimacy... .
then a thunderbolt... .it hit him how angry he is with me about this stuff. I understand believe me I do. I think I am just as angry... .however, I do not have BPD.
Our marriage is in tatters... .it has been left too long to save.  5 years of hell and he has on,y been getting proper help for 13 months. I think it is too much of an ask that this marriage can now survive.
I feel sad because maybe earlier recognition and intervention might have helped... .I don’t know. He spent 5 years addicted to opiates ( prescribed) he wasn’t able to get the diognosis or the help. I’m not sure whether I am Being hard on myself?
I just feel so incredibly sad that too much damage has been done.
He is ready to change and is making some good progress... .he is ready to move forward. I am still stuck over the last 6 years.
I don’t want to share a bed with him , I don’t want to be intimate with him,
I don’t have any professional help to help me move forward.
I don’t even know if it will help or if I would come to the same conclusion.
It all just feels so cruel. I feel numb most of the time. When we just spoke about him leaving... .there wasn’t even any tears, though I do feel sad.

[Jester20]

And to top it off... .
Why can he be so understanding and nice during a support call for his group yet never ask me how I am?
And how can he be so understanding about seeing BPD in others and knowing what they need etc but cannot apply those rules to himself?
It is so so cruel

[Cat Familiar]

Jester, I am so sorry. I can hear so much pain in your words.   

Yes, it's truly a terrible disorder and the lack of compassion for loved ones--and themselves is incomprehensible. An old Madonna lyric comes to mind: "Until I learned to love myself, I was never loving anybody else."

They struggle so much with self-loathing that it's difficult for us nons to imagine.

You are seeing things clearly and asking yourself if you want to continue with this relationship. These are good questions.

[Jester20]

I just feel I waited... .In hope that we would be in a much different place now. I was determined. It just feels so unfair. We are both thinking clearly now.
He said he feels obligated to stay faithful. And I think... .but do you really think after everything we have been through that we would have an intimate relationship? I posed this question to him today. And I think ultimately I am waiting for some thing which might never happen... .like a realisation on his part that this is mostly his fault and for some huge apology. I don’t say this with malice or to be inflammatory. But the truth is he kept this diognosis from me when we met... .we were married in 6 months... .yes, very naive on my part. He was addicted to oxycodone and never told me... .how did he think this marriage was going to play out. So whilst I have to accept some responsibility I really do feel that 70% of this marriage failing in its first year is his fault.