The last 2weeks... ups and downs and some improvement?

[Jester20]

So, I have been really worried that over the last 2 weeks me and my pwBPD have had a few bumps in the road. I guess I thought his group therapy meant that things should get better and keep getting better. I guess that’s like wishful thinking for a cure. So, after he  spoke to the facilitator of the group it is apparently quite normal to have some difficult times. A lot of feeling from the beginning of our marriage have resurfaced which I was not expecting and they have plunged me into a depression. However, I am hoping to see a therapist in the coming weeks to try and work on myself. But I wanted to discuss a few things.

Firstly, he has been learning new ways of communicating... .skills. And unfortunately it sounds like he has been practising them on me and this has caused some issue because he did not inform me of this and I thought he was just being all weird and it caused issues. He explained to group facilitator this and has been told he should not be practising these new skills on me! And that he should be exploring them in group as it is ok to make mistakes there.

Rather than shouting and screaming at me now he is attempting to tell me how he feels... .it really upset me.
He told me he doesn’t feel that our home is his house. This just filled me with sadness because I know it is hard for him as I pay for all the rent and bills and food. But I never knew he felt so bad as to not feel this was his home. Or maybe I always felt justified in feeling how I do because he was so nasty so I really didn’t care.
He told me he feels obligated to stay faithful despite the fact that we virtually have no marriage.
He told me I kicked him out of our marriage. This probably is correct but was not done intentionally but was more of a consequence of many actions ( on his part) over the first 2-3 years of our marriage.

All of these things upset me because they were spoken of in a calm, rational, discussion. Like what would be said between 2 adults going through a tough time.
It made me realise how easy it has been to dismiss or ignore rages that might have carried these messages over the years. For me to always lay the blame with him and it’s almost like he is turning into a person now... .who I have to listen to and take on board his feelings because he is doing it right and I can only just begin to ‘see’ the pain in him from the last few years.  And it feels awful.

I feel if we could wipe the last 5 years and start again... .just for all the hurts to be gone. Just so our marriage wasn’t hanging so delicately by a thread and that the smallest of a snip would send it plunging.

But I also have a quiet confidence... .that he will be ok. Whether we survive or not. That I too can survive and move on if that is the way it has to be.

I just want the anger to pass, it just keeps me bitter. It takes too much energy. I want to be different and say... .my husband has BPD and ok, it has been rough and we are working through it. And if we can come out the other side , we will be very strong.
I know he is trying very very hard. He is fighting for this marriage and I have to respect him for that. He thinks I do not respect him... .I do. I did not think for 1 minute he would commit to a 3 year therapy course. I was so wrong... .and now I do see positive changes in him and he is finding a new confidence and self esteem. This is changing him. And I need to hold on and and start working on myself so we can Move forwards together.

Thoughts on this post please?

[Tattered Heart]

Your post really affected me because I have been exactly where you are. I justified my bad behavior towards my H and blamed him for everything. And during one of his calm moments, he shared something very similar with me.

For me this was a moment that helped me begin healing. For the first time in years I was able to remember that he is my partner and that I had a responsibility in our relationship to handle things on my end. And my behavior had isolated him. It was very hurtful and painful to hear. But I apolgized for the way I had treated him, thanked him for sharing with me in a calm fashion, and asked him what I could do to begin mending things.

This might be a great time to begin reviewing some of the basic skills such as Validation and Don't Be Invalidating because now that you are able to have meaningful conversations with him, validating what he shares with you will be key to rebuilding what has been lost. Thank him everytime he shares calmly. Even if you just say something like "Thank you for sharing with me even though it was hard for me to hear. I want to take some time to look at my role in this. Can I think about this for a day or two and we can return to this conversation then?"

When he shared with you, how did you respond?

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, Jester, I’ve heard some of these things he’s said, almost word for word from my husband.   

He has said the exact same thing about not feeling like it’s his house and I’ve felt hurt, just as you did.

Now I understand it better, I’ve got a long history owning the property. He has paid for a substantial amount of new development, but I’ve got years of being connected here that he doesn’t. But I think that’s beside the point.

With BPD, I don’t think they feel at home anywhere. That’s been a recurring theme for my husband. I chalked it up to a very transient lifestyle as a child of a petroleum engineer, who relocated dozens of times around the world before he finished high school. But still, that misses the point. He doesn’t feel at home in his skin, so he’s not going to feel at home in any house, city, country, planet.

And like you, I’ve heard a version of the “kicked out of the marriage” too. Yes, I did start pulling away and disengaging emotionally, because IT WASN’T SAFE.

So, just remember that lots of what he says has more to do with his BPD than about you. But it’s still hard to hear it. It is good that he’s talking. That’s progress.