I hate myself

[5xFive]

I hate my husband bc he makes me hate myself. He is a truly horrible person when he is dysregulating. The way he talks to me in front of our children IS abuse. Why do I stay? I hate myself for staying. I recently lost my job - fired - for my personality. I thought I was a nice person, my close friends and family were astonished, but apparently everything my uBPDh says during an episode is true. At least, my coworkers and my boss agreed. I hate myself for losing my job. I hate that I’m stuck. I hate myself For having children with such a horrible person. Except that he’s not horrible on good days. He’s amazing. But those are fewer and farther between. He used to be amazing. I’ve noticed little things on good days. Ways he belittles me and puts me down. Jokingly calling me fat, even though I know I’m not. Telling me while he’s laughing that I’m too stupid to understand. And he hasn’t let up since I lost my job. I’m sure that he’s dealing with his own stress and emotions but I can’t even handle my own. How can I handle his too? So I probably make it worse. And I hate myself for that.
Why do I feel panic and relief every time he says he wants a divorce? Why am I jealous when I see a couple that are obviously in love? If we’re not in love, then what am I doing? I hate myself for my weakness. I hate myself that my children think that their screaming father and crying mother are normal. I hate myself and I hate my life. How did I get here? I was HAPPY. I was self confident and I knew that I was smart and funny and beautiful. Now I look in the mirror and I just see a miserable woman. I would never EVER kill myself. I’m not so selfish that I could take myself away from my children. For all my flaws, of which I do have many, I am their mother and having one who loves every bit of them, even one who’s so messed up is better, in my opinion, than losing one. So I stay. And I hate myself. And I look in the mirror and I see the grey in my hair, and the lines on my skin, and I can’t believe this is me. I’m only 36! And I hate myself for that too.

[pearlsw]

Hi Monucka,

I saw the title and your post and got curious... .after I read your post I felt a bit sad to hear of the pain you are in. I am listening. I hear you that you feel so bad about yourself and your life right now. I do not feel so great either.

This board is for expressing and comforting so I want to support you having a space for that. If I may say so though... .and I know this is not at all the space you are in at the moment, but I want to ask if you could consider being kinder to yourself? We all make mistakes. We all find ourselves in these kinds of relationships for one reason or another. I misinterpreted many red flags and put a lot of faith in my ability to overcome and found myself, like you, severely tested by such a relationship. It does take a major toll and I feel like my h put some bad miles on me so to speak!  But I think "hate" might be more damage... .more self-damage... .and we are already dealing with so much!

You can't control what your husband does but never forget that you can control your own impulses/behaviors/responses, and it might be through this that you will find a little peace. I am not so happy with myself or my life either... .sometimes I wonder why I stay with this relationship or with life at all at the rate I'm going, but then I keep going because there is little piece of hope in me that has not died. I don't know.  But one thing I feel good about is knowing that I am doing the best I can. I don't hate myself. That hate sounds like another weight on you that you might wanna see... .Well, what would it feel like to toss that off you for a little bit at least? Maybe through visualizations you could find a way to feel lighter at times? I make up my own sometimes.

I wonder if you might want to change your inner self talk to "I don't want to be abused. I want to do something about it." Remember that happy person you were? What did she like? What did she do? Is she still in there inside of you somewhere? Despite everything are there small things that make you happy that you can still do?

I am in a similar situation in that this relationship feels like a giant weight and his emotions take up more than their "fair" share of our lives together. I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and are being abused. I know how much it hurts!  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Monucka, Like you, I have a tendency to blame myself when something negative happens in my life, even though I have no control over most events and am not responsible for the behavior of others.  My T refers to this process as the "second arrow," because it involves self-wounding in the wake of a negative event (the "first arrow".  Now that I'm aware of my tendency to do this, I can be mindful about it and, instead, treat myself with love and acceptance.  I agree w/pearlsw: consider being kind to yourself.

LuckyJim

[WitzEndWife]

I totally understand where you are coming from. It's SO, SO hard not to see ourselves negatively when the people in our lives have to point out our weak spots all of the time. My uBPDh tends to demonize my mistakes and grind me into the ground over them. Like, the time I accidentally threw away a receipt with garbage that was in my hand. He kept saying, "How could you DO that?" as if I was the stupidest person who ever walked on the planet Earth. It's hurtful, and I already am sensitive about not making mistakes. It hurts to hear things like this, for sure.

But, while what your husband says might be true, in a sense, he is using it as a weapon to hurt you. I have a book of exercises on self esteem that my therapist gave to me a while back. The workbook involved reframing situations with realistic statements, instead of making hurtful statements or assumptions about yourself.
For example, you might think, "I lost my job because I'm stupid and unworthy of a job." Framing it realistically, though, you could say, "I lost my job because it wasn't the right fit for me," or "I lost my job because I made an honest mistake." Instead of using the situation to self-wound over and over again, it's helpful to reframe things so that you have something to hold onto when your H is lashing out.

Also, you don't have to listen to those things. You can set a boundary. "I am not going to listen to you if you discuss my employment status," "I'm not going to listen to you if you talk about my weight," etc. You can be calm and you can walk away. Doing so teaches him that he cannot treat you that way.

It sounds like you are missing some self care. Remember to care for yourself through this. If you have friends who are supportive of you, spend time with them. If you can get some time alone to do something enjoyable for you, do it. My mother used to say, "Nobody can take you away from you." It's so true. You are your best source of comfort, of salvation, from all of the abuse. It's important to treat yourself with kindness, like you would your best friend.

Take care. 

[lovenature]

Hi Monucka

I can empathize with you, my self esteem and confidence became so decimated from being in a BPD relationship while going through the worst time of my life that I ended up existing as a broken down empty shell of the person I was when I was 10 years old. During the darkest times I kept going for my 2 canine best friends.

I too have gained lots of grey hair over the course of being with a PWBPD, I'm only 40. Stress is a giant killer, just try to do what is best for you and your kids; look at the overall.

Remember that BPD is a very serious mental illness, through enough devaluation we subconsciously end up seeing a reality where our PWBPD is constantly better and we are constantly not good enough.
Don't hate yourself, hate the disorder. Take care.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Monucka

I could have written the same post as you a few years ago.

I was always blaming myself for other people’s unhappiness.
I blamed myself for saying or doing something which resulted in me feeling bad about what I’d said/done to make someone react to me in a bad way.
My mum always used to tell me that I took the blame for everything, I think she was trying to help me but I just thought, hey, this is me, this is how I am, I’m just this kind of person.

But then one day I realised that no, actually, this isn’t right, why should I be shouldering all the blame when others are walking around guilt free? That’s when I started reading and I read a lot of stuff and I picked out what worked for me the best.

Here are a couple of things from what I’ve learned that I like to tell myself.
If I say or do something that is not bad or hurtful in anyway to someone, and if that person reacts badly to that, then that is his/her problem, not mine, so therefore I do not feel any blame. Whoever we interact with is responsible for their own thoughts and actions and they choose that for themselves. We do not make them react the way they do, it is their choice.
If I feel that I am starting to blame myself for what someone has said/done, I ask myself what evidence do I have that I am to blame?

I can understand how you feel when you say that you hate your husband because he makes you hate yourself, he can only make you hate yourself if you allow that to happen.
You say that you got fired from your job because of your personality. What evidence do you have of that? Do you feel that you could elaborate a little?

On the days that your husband is belittling you and saying you are fat etc could you calmly ask him to stop saying that. This worked with my uBPD son when he was regurgitating old stuff. I simply and calmly said to him “I have heard that enough times now”. He stopped. I can’t tell you how amazed and pleased I was!

Monucka, you need to try and be kinder to yourself and you need to take care of yourself. Are you able to do things for you, things that make you feel good about yourself?

Do you have friends or neighbours who you could spend some time with or are you feeling a bit isolated now that you are unemployed? Are you looking for another job or would you be able to consider doing some voluntary work?

I think the bottom line is that you need to start taking care of yourself, that is something that you can control, put yourself first once in a while, respect and believe in yourself. These things are easier said than done, I know, but try and start somewhere, work on one thing at a time.

My thoughts are with you x