Not sure how to handle this situation

[Feeling Better]

Hi everyone

I’m looking for advice and thoughts please.

I know this woman from my dancing class, she only comes over to talk to me at the end of the class and this has only happened a few times so I wouldn’t class her as a friend. The thing is, the talking carries on in the car park, and she confides in me stuff that is going on in her life, gets really upset, cries and I end up comforting her and then struggle to get away from her as I don’t like leaving her while she’s so upset. As far as I know she doesn’t do this to anyone else and presents a different side of herself to everyone else in the class.

About four or five weeks ago she she came over to talk to me again at the end of the class, we ended up in the car park with her telling me stuff about her life and she seemed to me to be quite hyper and then she started telling me about other stuff in her life and she just came crashing down. She became very distressed, crying and all the rest of it, telling me that she was feeling suicidal and that she had a plan where and how she was going to do it. I managed to calm her down and made sure she was ok before I left her. By this time it was 1am in the morning!

I didn’t sleep too well as I was worried about her but rationalised that she was probably alright, as she’d told me she was going away in a couple days and was looking forward to it. I sent her a text later that day to check if she was ok. No reply. I decided after a great deal of thought that she was playing with my emotions, maybe being manipulative?

Anyway, since then she hasn’t spoken to me, and although I find it strange, if I’m being honest, I am grateful as I don’t want to get entangled in, what I perceive to be, mind games.

Now I have recently found out that she will be there when we have a dancing weekend away (she managed to take a cancelled place). I’m not looking forward to it as she will be part of our group. I’m not sure how to handle it should she try to talk to me.

[love4meNOTu]

As I have been the person oversharing I would suggest a firm, yet gentle response. Direct is best.

"You seem like a very nice person Ms. X, but I am not a therapist, and I would be doing you more harm than good right now to listen to you or provide advice, I have no experience with these matters, and if something happened to you because of me, etc. etc."

And that's really the truth, you know?

L

[seekonlypeace]

In addition to the advice from love4meNOTu, you could give her the phone number for a suicide hotline.  In the USA, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  From what I understand, one does not have to be actually on the verge of suicide to call this number.  Counselors are prepared to listen to any of a variety of issues, even just loneliness.  But you did say she had mentioned suicide.  The hotline is available 24x7. 

If you are from the UK or another country, it seems likely that there are similar hotlines in those locations also.  You should be able to find them on the web.

Good luck.  I hope all goes well for you.

seekonlypeace

[Feeling Better]

love4meNOTu

Thank you for your reply, I can see the logic in what you say but I am a bit conflicted about putting it into practice. The reason for this is this forum. I read (equivalent to listening) posts on here and I readily offer support to other members. So if I am happy doing that I can’t really justify to myself, that in essence, I would be turning my back on this woman who just needs someone to listen to her and validate her feelings. But then on the flip side of the coin, I have to consider myself and my feelings. This might be where my problem lies rather than with the woman off loading her problems. I have spent time thinking about how this has made me feel.
Because she only talks to me ‘at her own convenience’ and when she needs something from me, I feel ‘used’.
The time she mentioned suicide, she wasn’t suicidal but talked of it as being an option for her if things got really bad, even so I left her with a feeling of guilt that I had left her, and I still worried about her.
When I later texted her to see if she was ok and received no reply I felt hurt, used and then annoyed that she was treating me this way. And then I felt bad that I was having these feelings.

I think I might just have to set boundaries with her. But what boundaries? What could work?

[Feeling Better]

seekonlypeace

Thank you for your reply and your suggestions.

I tried all of them with her.

She, herself, is a psychologist, and knowing that, I asked her if she had a psychologist friend who she could confide in and who could help her. No she hasn’t.

I am in the UK and I suggested she call the Samaritans, a 24/7 service for those in crisis. No she couldn’t call them because someone there might know her.

I suggested she see her doctor. No because he would diagnose the wrong thing.

Felt really frustrated after all that.

I know we can only help someone who wants to be helped.

And now having just written that I am wondering whether I should actually do what love4meNOTu suggested. Still a bit confused.

[love4meNOTu]

I have felt obligated in the past to help others, to my detriment. Initially there was a feeling of satisfaction on my part, but that passed when faced with the reality of someone else's burdens.

Those burdens can be very heavy. IMO when she vented to you her burden became lighter momentarily, but it isn't a fix for what ails her.


Please love yourself first. If you were capable of healing her I'm sure you would, but who among us can really do that for someone else?

[Feeling Better]

Thank you, love4meNOTu, I think I finally get it.

Yes, I agree with you and recognise that me allowing her to unburden herself to me gave her temporary relief, (she did admit to that and thanked me), but I know it will just be a matter of time before she seeks me out again.

I know trying to fix people has been one of my failings and I caught myself doing that the last time I spoke to her, but I stopped myself mid sentence and explained to her why I had stopped.

Yes, my needs should come before hers, I understand that, particularly as I find that it is her behaviour rather than her off loading that is causing me distress. I just need to somehow convey that to her without offending her, I will work on it.