Just came back from trick-or-treating..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 My ex wife and I just took our daughter out for Halloween and I couldn't help but think of our past. Its only been four months since we separated, she is seeing someone new and it kills me. She is happy and seems stable, which I have to be thankful for our daughter. She still has some irrational behavior, she lashes out to me verbally when my daughter would rather stay with then her and wanting to introduce our daughter to her new boyfriend only a month into the relationship.

I know she is better off with someone else... Its just days like this, when were together family, how can she not miss us all together? We literally separated for no reason other then her going through another episode, and cut off all communication with me besides our daughters needs. It just tears me apart, I miss my family so much... I am too nice, and I offer to watch my daughter on her days with her so she has extra time alone, which she spends with her new man. I just would rather keep the peace, even though it literally destroys me emotionally. I agreed to meeting the new boyfriend seeing as he is spending time with my two year old daughter... I am not looking forward to this at all, I dread it.

Do any of you go through this? Do you miss your family after the split and when having to spend time together? Do you find yourselves sacrificing your emotional well being for the sake of her happiness and keeping the co-parenting relationship stable?

[OLR1986]

 My ex wife and I just took our daughter out for Halloween and I couldn't help but think of our past. Its only been four months since we separated, she is seeing someone new and it kills me. She is happy and seems stable, which I have to be thankful for our daughter. She still has some irrational behavior, she lashes out to me verbally when my daughter would rather stay with then her and wanting to introduce our daughter to her new boyfriend only a month into the relationship.

I know she is better off with someone else... Its just days like this, when were together family, how can she not miss us all together? We literally separated for no reason other then her going through another episode, and cut off all communication with me besides our daughters needs. It just tears me apart, I miss my family so much... I am too nice, and I offer to watch my daughter on her days with her so she has extra time alone, which she spends with her new man. I just would rather keep the peace, even though it literally destroys me emotionally. I agreed to meeting the new boyfriend seeing as he is spending time with my two year old daughter... I am not looking forward to this at all, I dread it.

Do any of you go through this? Do you miss your family after the split and when having to spend time together? Do you find yourselves sacrificing your emotional well being for the sake of her happiness and keeping the co-parenting relationship stable?

[Turkish]

Yes,  yes,  and yes.  I've gone through this,  and I know it's hard.  I'll post more tomorrow night,  I just wanted to let you know tonight that you're not alone. 

T

[MarvinTheRobot]

 Oh, man!
How clearly I can understand you here. It's been more than a year for me in the same situation.

 At first i've tried to stay friends with her, but she kept explaining how happy she is now, and how she's in love with somebody and life is great, etc. It's good for her, but emotionally painful for me. So I had to stop all other communication except for the kids. It's hard at first, but it gets better in time.

 It's still difficult for me, since no matter how hard I try to keep the conversation strictly about the kids, she always finds a spot to insert something about how many man hit on her, or what bar she went, or something like that.

 I hope you stay strong, and not let the emotions take over.

[Panda39]

I know it's painful on an emotional level to hear how "wonderful" her new life is and "wonderful" Mr. New Man is and that it is sad that your relationship didn't work out. But remember what you know about BPD and remember what you experienced in the relationship with your ex because at the end of the day, if your ex has done nothing to change her behaviors it won't be any different for Mr. New Man.  We know that the new relationship will start with Idealization... .Mr. New Man is the best thing since sliced bread! But it won't last... .down the merry BPD path we go.

I'm sorry you are being hurt by her, it's not easy to go through a break up BPD or no BPD.  It's hard to see the potential, to see what might have been, to see the great things about her and not miss it.  Keep processing, keep learning from the relationship, focus on your kids and focus on you.  Everything sounds like it is still fresh and even when it's not we all have those moments that take us back.  Feel your feelings it's okay... .it's okay to be sad, angry, disappointed, lonely, happy, free, grieve etc... .it's completely natural to have a lot of conflicting feelings, your heart is still trying to catch up to your head.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Turkish]

I agree about meeting her new BF, as much as you might dread it.  He is around your kids.  What are your thoughts on how you will present yourself?

We can speculate here: he won't last long,  etc... .but it's good for you to be in the present.  Get a read on his character, assert your role (implicitly is better), and possibly gain an ally without triangulating.

I sensed the H of my ex kind of wanted to ally with me a little,  "the kids seem a lot calmer when you drop them of unlike when she comes back with them." This was the guy she left me for,  so you can imagine how I felt.  I knew what he was talking about,  but kind of played dumb to his comments.  You're your kids' father. Never forget that.  A step-dad might be in the future,  don't forget that also.  May not be this guy.  As much as it hurts, such a person won't necessarily be your enemy.  I swallowed a lot and was prepared to work with my kids' new step-dad,  despite him being 20 years younger than me.  My ex engaged in step-parent alienation,  however,  and it blew up on them.  I wasn't responsible for that. 

Focus on your daughter above all. 

[takingandsending]

Hi OLR1986.

My ex was bringing over her friend, now boyfriend, before I had even moved out ... .basically, two months after I told her I wanted a divorce, she started on a replacement. I expected it, but it was definitely awkward and difficult. In the realm of bizarre, she once asked me while I was still living at the house if I wanted to watch a movie with the two of them that used to be one of our favorites. That was a definite "no".

Now, my S11 tells me ex's BF helps him with his math homework. He's a decent guy. I am glad my son gets any kind of support or help when he is at his mom's. It is hard to let go of the dream of what I hoped for with my xw, but the reality of what I had with her is easy to let go of. Give it time.

And, your duaghter is definitely a key to moving on. See how changing that statement "I just would rather keep the peace" to "I just love my daughter and want to support and protect her as best I can" may feel. That's ultimately what you are doing. In the end, you can't protect your daughter from her mom if her mom continues to put herself first, but you sure need to do everything that you can do to support your girl. She needs an advocate.

[OLR1986]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, encouragement and as always heartfelt advice.

I read all the replies the past few days, I wanted to take some time to really think about the situation and how I feel. I am just not ready to forgive, I am feeling less depression/longing as time goes by. I can only sum up how i currently feel in this way...

Despite being now aware of BPD and the reasons turned out the way they were, I still find it challenging to accept this new reality. We are moving forward towards divorce and I have to pay a huge settlement for the shares of a business I co-own. Where ever I turn in this situation I feel pummeled by the uneven nature of this, she gets to start a life without concern or worry, and I am left with facing the harsh reality of it all. I am doing my best to keep myself above ground, I refuse to give up on myself or allow myself to slump, regardless it destroys me.

Deep down inside, I wish the worst on her... Which I know is wrong, I just can't help but feel spiteful. I know many on here will tell me that she will get whats coming her way, but realistically life doesn't always play that song. I know time will only heal and direct me towards better opportunities and possibly meet someone better suited for me. At the moment, I just can't help but feel the way I feel and hate her for what she has done and continues to do.

For the time being, I will meet her new boyfriend and accept the reality of it all. I will keep my head up and not give into my negative emotions. I will try not to find a better life, and give my daughter the life she deserves. My daughter deserves so much more, and I recognize that I will have to be the source of stability for her. At the end of the day, I can at least do my best to raise my daughter in a way where she will never end up like her mother.

[OLR1986]

I agree about meeting her new BF, as much as you might dread it.  He is around your kids.  What are your thoughts on how you will present yourself?

We can speculate here: he won't last long,  etc... .but it's good for you to be in the present.  Get a read on his character, assert your role (implicitly is better), and possibly gain an ally without triangulating.

I sensed the H of my ex kind of wanted to ally with me a little,  "the kids seem a lot calmer when you drop them of unlike when she comes back with them." This was the guy she left me for,  so you can imagine how I felt.  I knew what he was talking about,  but kind of played dumb to his comments.  You're your kids' father. Never forget that.  A step-dad might be in the future,  don't forget that also.  May not be this guy.  As much as it hurts, such a person won't necessarily be your enemy.  I swallowed a lot and was prepared to work with my kids' new step-dad,  despite him being 20 years younger than me.  My ex engaged in step-parent alienation,  however,  and it blew up on them.  I wasn't responsible for that. 

Focus on your daughter above all. 

Thank you.

I plan to present myself seriously and respectful. All I can do is a get a feel for him, get a read of how my daughter and him will get along. Other then that, there is not much I can do, other then try to get to know him.

I can't lie and say that I don't try to hope that they won't last, but in reality I know I can't take her back anymore anyways. The damage she has caused is beyond repair, so even if she did come back and her current relationship didn't work out, I know there isn't much there for me anymore. I guess, just like many of us I imagine... Hope for some true closure and heart felt words about her actions, thats a big hope because I know thats not coming my way.

It will be difficult to see another man in my daughters life, especially if I don't think they will be a good role model. Either way its not up to me and I recognize that I can only control what happens when my daughters with me, well unless I need to take legal action, which I don't see happening for now.

 

[Torched]

I struggled with the same feelings you have right now as little as nine months ago.  I'm honest when I say that things have vastly improved due to me getting past that really volatile, emotional stage and starting to live in an honest, reflective way that lets go of all that pain and moves on.

Hang in there.  You have to go through this.  Your kids will be o.k. Because you are o.k.  The other side is magnificent, especially when you end up with a "normal" partner.

[40days_in_desert]

I have one thing to add but don't want you to think that it is something that will definitely happen. If your ex is known for constantly being a part of a drama triangle (victim-persecutor-rescuer), it is possible that this guy may not be so friendly towards you. At least at first. My ex is always in one of these triangles. Always needs a rescuer therefore always needs to be a victim. My ex had told me once that her BF of two plus years hated me because "of all the things I did to her". Maybe not an issue in your situation but if he seems to give you the evil eye, just know that a narrative of lies has probably been shared with him by your ex. Know who you really are and then be that man when you meet the new person in her life. You got this.