I think I may have gone a little overboard with my new found spunky attitude.

It started with him being woke up by... whatever it was... I come back from dropping off the oldest and go to the kitchen. I was sitting on the floor chilling with the baby, he comes storming out saying that we woke him up, looked at me and I can be so weird sometimes.  He goes back in the bedroom.  I take the baby to his room and sit on the recliner to feed him.  He bellows from the bedroom if I was still sitting in the kitchen.  I hollered no.  He comes in and hollers, why are you hiding out?  Why are you staying in here?  I looked at him like what the heck and said, I’m feeding the baby?  Is that okay?
That was the beginning to our bad morning. 

He said that the only time I like to get an attitude and talk crap is when I have the baby in my arms.  Said look what I did, baby started crying, ran to me.  I realize that I’m getting out of hand, so I calm down and stop yelling to soothe the baby.  THEN I’m doing it on purpose because I want to get him worked up, so he will yell and that’s my plan to turn his son against him.

I asked why he’s so defensive about (brother’s name).  He said because he’s my brother, he actually gives a sh**, does everything, does all my “woman” work, and doesn’t give him any sh**.  And that he watches my baby 24/7.  I said, so what am I supposed to do?  Quit my job?   He just shrugs.   It pisses me off.

He got in my face, I stood there and looked him directly in the eyes.  He said FU, I said FU, he said that I’m not the queen of crap, I’m a cu**, always giving him sh**, etc.  I told him that I was doing nothing wrong this morning when he came out like a bull, hollering and screaming that we woke him up when we weren’t doing anything.  I wasn’t going to just sit here and take his crap and he was like, oh yes you will, you will take any crap I have to give you and I said, if you give me crap, then I’m going to give you crap, if I’m supposed to take your crap, then you take mine. 
I calmed down pretty fast and was finishing getting ready for work.  Had a bag of wet clothes to take to the dryer, he asked what was that, told him, and he said mmhmm.  I knew what he was thinking.  Packing another bag and going to leave. 

I’m noticing that anytime I touch any sort of bag after we’ve had a fight, he gets defensive and asks me what that is and I know he’s thinking I’m packing a bag to leave.  I need to be more aware of that and stay away from bags/book bags/purses after a fight.

I get to work, go to the bathroom, and groan.  Dang it... he got to me again.  I was riding my high horse around, taking the “not taking crap” attitude a little too far, not diffusing the situation, let emotions get high, and realizing too late that he got to a point of deregulation that wasn’t going to be able to come back down from.

Sorry for the long post.  I figured I had to put as much in so I can get accurate feedback.  Now he texted.  He’s at the beach.  He politely asked me to turn off the heater when I leave the car, because the battery is dead… and now it’s pouring rain.  I didn’t leave the heater on.  I just replied, I apologize and hopefully someone can give him a jump. Is it bad that I laughed at his situation? (of course, he doesn’t know I’m laughing).

Yeah... .you took this overboard.  

Separate the "attitude" from the "action".  

Plus... .you are under no obligation to "take his crap".  In fact... .that's the attitude I would encourage you to assume.

He if tosses "crap" at you.  :)on't catch it.  Every once in a while some will hit... .so... .don't through it back.  Get better at dodging.

The "if you give it to me I will give it back to you" is a recipe for fighting... for further destruction of the relationship.  

My goal for you would be to makes sure there is only "one person" in the relationship that is fighting.  You control that 100%... because you control you.

Last point:  IF he "bellows" at you... .there is no requirement to respond or go to him.  That reinforces bad behavior.  It's one thing for someone to "bellow" in a real emergency.  But just to find out what you are doing... .he can walk into a room and ask in a friendly manner.  So can you.

Thoughts?

What else can you do to turn the temperature down?

FF

That is helpful information.  I'm really not happy with the way I handled it.  I know I was having a bad morning and I let it affect my judgement call on the situation.  I agree, I egged it on myself.  After I said the "if you throw it at me, I'll throw it back", I wish I could of retracted that and I knew it was fueling the problem.  I did do other things that escalated the incident.  I'm not saying I was right or handled this correctly.  Part of me does however feel that I chose with a clear mind, not to let him run me down this time and just let him attack me.

I also agree it is not dishonorable to retreat, I tried in this manner and he wouldn't drop it.  I couldn't just walk out of the house, I had to finish getting ready for work, I had to wait for his brother to watch the baby.  I tried saying, let's bring it down and discuss this at a later time, he just wouldn't listen.  I really do try to pick my battles.  This time, I just couldn't find it in myself to retreat or let it slide when I was minding my own business and he just took his rage out on me.

It really doesn't help that their emotions are a roller coaster.  Constantly changing of love/hate.  It's right though, I need to really work more on myself and regulating my reactions and responses.  I know that I'm not always going to get it right and there will be days like today.  I just need to be more aware of how I didn't control myself in the situation and learn from the mistakes.  What am I supposed to do though?  All this controlling of myself, I need to let go sometimes.  I screamed and ranted to myself in the car this morning, I felt a little better.  I just need another channel to release pent up anger, frustration, etc.  If I just keep controlling, regulating, picking and choosing, I'm going to eventually blow up like I did last time we had a huge fight.