New to this BPD Site

[LucifersEx]

I was happily married for 10 years - 15 years in total. I'm in the process of getting divorced.
My soon to be Ex - started being very erratic after 10 years - and progressively got worse until I filed for divorce.
Now that friends have pointed me to some resources on BPD - I am recognizing the behavior pattern - and it is eerily like a biography of our marriage and divorce.

Some people get Cancer or catch AIDS - I got caught with a bad marriage seemingly caused by BPD - any of these can cause financial and emotional ruin.

Thought I'd join to see what I can learn and how to avoid getting caught in the next cycle of blame, abuse or drama - whether with this Ex with whom I must co-parent - or with my next relationship. Also perhaps I can help someone recognize the signs or avoid some of the mistakes I made... .

Main question is why did I not see the signs for the first 10 years  [or before we got married]- was I blind? or were they hidden or simply non existent?

[so_overit]

Main question is why did I not see the signs for the first 10 years  [or before we got married]- was I blind? or were they hidden or simply non existent?

I think only you can answer this question. In my case, my STBXH was depressed, but never showed BPD traits until after we had kids. The stress of raising littles brought out the anger, belittling, etc. He is able to hide it all for strangers. Everyone thinks he is an awesome guy, a hero. He only takes out the aggression on the family.

BTW, the more my husband tried to figure out what went on in his childhood (he has blank spots, no memory), the worse his BPD got. The last year has been totally out of control, and I had to draw a line, which he crossed several times before I finally asked for divorce.

[polaris9]

My situation is similar.  I have been married for 23 years and we went out for four years before marriage.   We have known each other a long time -well over half of our lives. In the early years she was a lovely person, although she had a bad temper at times.  But over the last several years she became a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and continued to deteriorate.  She also started using alcohol a lot in the last few years.  But in her opinion she is totally fine, there is no reason to seek treatment since there is nothing wrong with her.  I am the problem, or other people in her life.  She blames everyone but herself.

I ask myself was she always like this? No, she wasn't.  Her family members, although they don't see her much, have come to the same conclusion - something drastic has changed in her behaviour in recent years.

[livednlearned]

Hi LucifersEx,

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. BPD is a painful disorder for everyone involved.

Is the divorce final?

Main question is why did I not see the signs for the first 10 years  [or before we got married]- was I blind? or were they hidden or simply non existent?

I think of my own situation like this: my family of origin drove around in a car with no brakes. We were able to get around ok, and from the outside, the car looked like it worked normal. But under the hood an important part of the car was missing, and it wasn't really safe.

I grew up thinking no brakes was normal for cars. When I met my ex, it didn't seem odd that he was missing his, and in fact it seemed familiar. I had ways to slow the car down using my feet but just like my family of origin car, it hurt and eventually I lost control.

After wrecking that car, I now know to look for cars with brakes. I don't get in cars without them, I don't drive them, and I even learned some skills for building them and repairing them 

[ForeverDad]

I concur with polaris9, my spouse and I were best friend in the early years of our marriage.  I knew her for a year before we married.  I saw no indication she was disordered, however I did see issues with her mother (uBPD) and stepfather (uNPD). Months after the wedding I learned that she had experienced child abuse after her stepfather came into her life at age 3.  Her brothers were farmed out to their father but the girls stayed with mother (and SF).  The girls were played off of each other, "If you don't let me ___ then I'll do it to your sister."  Really evil.  They didn't compare notes until after they were adults.

Over the years she very gradually became more insecure.  I had been a religious volunteer for over a decade before meeting her and we were volunteers together for over a half dozen years more before I had to give it up to address her complaints and issues.  Silly uninformed me, I thought having a child would help her focus on a wonderful new life.  After all children are blessings.  But she instead relived her childhood fears through our child.  Lesson learned:  Having children does not fix a seriously dysfunctional marriage, instead it makes everything more complicated, especially when trying to unwind the failed marriage.

After his birth intimacy became very infrequent.  She would sometimes hint we could have intimacy that night but she seemed to make sure that either she got mad at me during the day or treated me so badly that I didn't want intimacy.  What I called love she called sex.  I recall one time during a rant she complained she felt like a prostitute and wanted to get paid.  My silent thought that I didn't dare voice was that she wouldn't get paid much.

When our toddler was two and approaching 3 years of age, she got much worse.  She started comparing me to her evil SF, saying he was better than me because he was never late.  Really crazy logic but I couldn't reason with her any more.  She behaved like she was trying to work herself up to accuse me of child abuse.  (She had wanted a boy, now I knew why, to lessen her worries of child abuse.  I had wanted a girl but eventually realized having a boy was slightly safer for me, though it didn't stop later allegations.)

I've had family and friends tell me that men are more likely to exhibit mental problems in late teens and early twenties but women are more likely to exhibit mental problems in their thirties.  I don't know if that holds true for BPD.  There are so many factors involved, genetic, environment, family impact, abuse, etc.