Then I fell down the rabbit hole, and had a baby girl

[zuluzelu]

I am currently involved in a amazing life changing experience. I'm having a child with someone who is as far as I know is an undiagnosed high functioning BPD.  She is due in several weeks and I'm now beginning down the road to a high conflict custody case. I'm excited in many ways to be a father, and participate in the raising of my daughter. That part is exciting, overwhelming and a part of my life, that while I had never planned, seems to be filled with beautiful possibilities. It is the struggle of not being involved with my child at this time that scares, and saddens me. I have been threatened, and now told that I am not welcome at the birth of my daughter, and that I will not be able to see her for several weeks. While I have approached much of this as a metaphysical exercise, and an amazing growth opportunity. To learn more about myself, how I have contributed to this situation and take responsibility for my own actions and personal dysfunction. The obstacle is the way, and that's how I must see this. As a path to growth and to becoming more than what I am now. I still from time to time, feel burdened and defeated by the amount that this particular obstacle has thrown my way. While I am grateful for the opportunity, this is not the way I would have chosen to broaden and learn more about my self. I think I'm writing this more for myself as a cathartic exercise, but if any one has insight or experience into this particularly life changing event. I would be all ears!  I guess it boils down to not praying for a good life, rather the strength to endure a hard one... .right now I'm praying for strength... .LOL!

Cheers
The Sun Dance Kid

[takingandsending]

Hello zuluzelu (aka Sun Dance Kid) and welcome to bpdfamily. And congratulations on the upcoming birth of your daughter!

Sounds like this is a really anxious time in your life, awaiting the birth of your daughter and fearing the struggle of co-parenting with someone you suspect has a personality disorder. You are right in ways that you guess but can only learn: having a child is a life changing event. And it's natural to be introspective at a time like this, to question your role and place in the life that is coming to be. It's easy to project ahead, actually almost impossible not to.

As a buddhist in becoming, I approached a lot of my S11's birth as a metaphysical practice, and for me, it was kind of helpful and kind of not. Babies have so much need, and you are in a tough spot in not knowing what access you will have to meet the needs of your daughter. I had no idea that my xw was BPD at the time of my children's births. Knowledge is a very powerful tool. It certainly would have changed some of the things that I did and did not do.

You mention that your ex is high functioning. How would you characterize her current state of mind? Does she have supporting people around her for this birth and ultimately, for your daughter? What steps are you considering for how to ensure that you have access to your newborn? Do you have support for yourself as you go through this?

Let us know a little bit more. There's a lot of supportive folks on the boards here who can help with some timely been there, done that type of advice. And again, welcome to the boards.

[ForeverDad]

Having a child is a wonderful miracle and a time for joy looking forward to seeing a child grow into a person with so many discoveries and watershed moments.  However, it appears your future may be clouded much as mine was, that disordered mother feels she is the only one entitled to decide the child's life.  My experience was that she acted as though it was Mother and Child against the World.

You are likely to have a difficult time weaning her away from that extreme entitlement perception or perspective.  She will demand that she is The Authority.  Likely you will be unable to sway her from that position, depending on the extent of her PD traits.  (Doesn't mean you can't try but be aware that her highly charged emotions and moods will resist if not oppose your efforts to set reasonable Boundaries for proper parenting arrangements.)  The good thing is that although it will take the court quite a while to realize she isn't behaving as a normal mother and is obstructing you, in time it will see a need to enforce reasonable divisions of parenting since the court is The Real Authority.  They may not be as fair and proactive as you wish but at least they will probably be "less unfair" than her.

One claim a disordered mother may make is, "My baby can't be away from me, I'm nursing and so father can't see the baby."  That is unreasonable and shouldn't hold any weight in family court.  After all, millions of breastfeeding mothers manage to work and do other activities.  Their solution is to pump their milk and refrigerate it or freeze it for the baby to drink when the mothers aren't there.  That can be an option for you too, if she tries to use breastfeeding to block your time with your child then ask the court to have her pass along pumped milk at the exchanges.  Another claim is Father can't have overnights until whenever or that having a daughter means less parenting time than if it were a boy.  That's bogus and needs to be addressed from the start.  Father is a parent not a sometimes visitor and babies don't need their father less based on gender.

At this point it is difficult to determine how strong she will oppose and obstruct your parenting but a general rule of thumb is that if it goes to court, a real possibility, then you need to get the best order possible from the very start.  Appeasing her by thinking "I'll wait until my child is order and get my time later" will set you up with a History as a sidelined parent.  Proactive is good, otherwise you may have more of an uphill struggle to parent.

[zuluzelu]

Hello Taking and Forever Dad... .I guess I'll mix the post and say in advance that I thank you both for your responses. I'll start by saying I had a healthy baby girl on the 18th of this month, 6lbs 5oz of super amazing. I will clarify by stating that this woman was not my ex, rather someone I dated for 3 wks. I realized early on in the relationship she was emotionally unbalanced. I was under the impression she was on birth control and we were intimate twice before I quietly pulled away. I found out three weeks later she was pregnant. To complicated the situation, as if even more were really needed. She also has another child who is currently only 14 months old with another man in a similar fashion. He and I have become friends and a system of much needed support. Taking, her mother and father have been here for the birth, as well as my parents. While I was not allowed to attend the birth of my daughter I was able to spend the night in the hospital with them and tend to my child. They spent two nights there and I enjoyed the neutral atmosphere of the hospital and it seemed to curb some her behaviors with so many others around. To add just a bit more complication my baby mama is also a psych nurse NP. Try that on for bad luck with a personality disorder. From her previous court issues and PRE it appears that she is diagnosed, from what I can tell and is currently in DBT therapy, but is resistant to treatment. I have been able to spend a significant amount of time with my daughter for first 4 days of her life and her behaviors had seemed to settle down, but now old and predictable patterns are beginning to emerge again. Blame, guilt and Forever day you hit the Authority claim spot on. My daughter still doesn't have a name yet, she cont. to tell she can't decide. I have managed to get on the birth certificate, we had a paternity test done early on for reasons you can imagine. I also have cont. to keep track of emails and the massive amount of texts messages which I'm sure you are all familiar with, several which are suicidal in nature. For now I think she will be ok, with the support of her mother for the next month. After that I extremely worried, she will be a single mom, unable to accept the help which is clearly there, with two children under the age of two and I do fear what will happen at that point. I have already started the legal process and will cont. to use the courts to help establish boundaries. I appreciate the advice you have both given. I am a good man, who truly wants to raise his daughter in a healthy and loving environment. I've been thinking that maybe after the pregnancy she would be more reasonable, but in my heart I know the truth. I was expecting the worse and hoping to be pleasantly surprised. I haven't been surprised... .boo!  I have been on the fence for the last couple of days about the pulling the trigger using the courts, all of which is lined up. I now see with your support that this is the only reasonable option to secure a relationship with my daughter that is our, and not built on the demands and terms of her mother.  Thanks again for all the great advice, if you have any other suggestions I am more than willing to listen... .

Thanks again
The sundance kid

[ForeverDad]

Congratulations, Dad!  Despite the difficult circumstances, kids are such miracles!

How is the other father, does he have reasonable parenting time?  Or will he end up deciding whether to pursue a parallel case in domestic court?

I have often commented that acting-out disordered persons does not generally get better due to our close relationships.  It even seems it's harder for them to listen to use because of the close relationship, just too much emotional baggage permeating their perceptions.  That's why an emotionally neutral professional is needed to get a person on the path to recovery.  However, the patient will have to apply the counsel and stick to it long term.  Many described here simply don't.  We can't be faulted for trying but neither is it our fault, it really comes down to the person, is he or she determined to make steps toward recovery?