Don’t understand their choices

[Loveless2615]

apparently I made her happier than anyone has, treated her better than anyone has. Blah blah blah typical from what I’ve read about being put on a pedestal. Then it ended suddenly, with her saying she couldn’t “force feelings” into herself and “couldn’t be a good woman” back to me and so she couldn’t let things go on the way they were. Said she cared about me too much. Okay, so naturally I freak out having been blindsided. BUT what really gets me is she gave me access to her personal blog a week or so before she left me, saying she trusted me and stuff. Going back far enough I find the blog RIDDLED with posts when her ex was hurting her. Not physically, but mentally. Cheated on her, left her to hook up with other girls, didn’t prioritize her. Basically just six of years on and off of her being treated like crap. Being that I need to understand and am having the worst time getting over this (withdrawaling, if you will), I check up on her blog. She’s hung up on this guy! Like her posts seriously make it sound like she wants THAT back. Even though I “saved her” and “felt like home” to her. I don’t get it at all, and I can’t understand why that toxic relationship is something anyone would want, and it hurts like no other knowing I treated her so well and got tossed and cut off like it never happened.

[itgetsbetter94]

Me neither.  No one can. They themselves don't understand their choices, I believe.
There isn't some backstage great agenda they're following, they're emotionally immature and live on their impulses.

I can't even wrap my head around why my ex got engaged to the person he did, it really doesn't make any sense. But yet he did.

Stop trying to make sense out of the insanity. There is no order in personality disorder, simple as that.

[SummerStorm]

Remember that, even if they don't openly show it to others, pwBPD have low self-esteem and the belief that no one could ever love them.  That's why so many members here post about how their SO/ex always said/says things like, "You deserve better than me."  Therefore, unfortunately, the nicer we are to them, the faster it seems to push them away.  "I'm a bad person, but you're so nice to me, so that must make you a bad person because no good person would ever really love a bad person."  

Each pwBPD is different, but what I can tell you is that my ex-friend tends to gravitate towards people that are "below" her.  My ex-friend has a college degree.  She is incredibly intelligent.  She grew up in an upper middle class household.  In high school, she was in marching band.  Currently, she works as a department manager at a convenience store and has a long-range plan of becoming a store manager by the time she's 30.  She's 25 and making close to 40k a year, which is pretty good for someone her age.  :)espite all of this, she hangs out with people who barely graduated from high school, who don't know anything about what's going on in the world around them, and who spend their free time getting drunk and smoking pot.  Last year, she was convinced that she was going to marry a guy who is addicted to heroin.  Obviously, you can never know what truly goes on in a pwBPD's mind, but I do think that she sees these other people are below her, which ultimately means that they DON'T deserve better than her, in her opinion.  

A few years ago, she was ghosted by a guy that she was obsessed with.  She trashed his name, posted memes about how awful he was.  And yet, she kept trying to get him back and eventually did, for about two weeks.  And with the guy who was addicted to heroin, she kept going back to him time and time again, despite the fact that he wasn't getting any better.  For whatever reason, she is fine with leaving behind people who genuinely care about her but keeps going after people who don't treat her well, and I think that says a lot about how she views herself and her own worth.  

I can completely understand where you are coming from.  My ex-friend has always put me on a pedestal.  Even during times when I've been split black, she doesn't say a single bad thing about me to anyone, not like she does with other people.  And yet, I get split black more than anyone else in her life.  Currently, I'm at 4 months, which is by far the longest amount of time, and I really don't think I'll ever hear from her again.  

And yes, it does hurt.  But at the end of the day, what you have to ask yourself is, "I treated her well, but can I say the same about how she's treated me?"  If the answer is "no," then you must find a way to move on and find someone who will.  

[Harley Quinn]

And yes, it does hurt.  But at the end of the day, what you have to ask yourself is, "I treated her well, but can I say the same about how she's treated me?"  If the answer is "no," then you must find a way to move on and find someone who will. 

SummerStorm makes a really good point here.  Another question I might add is, "Can I treat myself as well as I treated her, and if not, why not?"  Loving another person despite their flaws - accepting all that comes with them is wonderful and kindness and compassion are amazing qualities to offer.  Eventually we must learn to do these things for ourselves and focus that love, kindness and compassion towards us.  When we can care about ourselves, our own well being and emotional health, then we are more likely to attract others who will follow suit.  We set the tone.

Perhaps she pursues toxic relationships because deep down that is what she feels she is worth.

Love and light x

[AnuDay]

Your thread title is what draws us all here to bpdfamily.  NONE of us Nons can understand their choices and perhaps never will be.  But we read here and we share stories so that we can begin to comprehend and perhaps learn how to have better relationships with BPD people and people with other illnesses. 

[schwing]

Hi Loveless2615,

apparently I made her happier than anyone has, treated her better than anyone has. Blah blah blah typical from what I’ve read about being put on a pedestal.

This was true while she was idealizing you.  For people with BPD, when they paint you white, this is how they feel about you, and those feelings alone make it true for them.  Certainly it helps when you actually do treat them well, but regardless, while they are idealizing you, they believe this.

Then it ended suddenly, with her saying she couldn’t “force feelings” into herself and “couldn’t be a good woman” back to me and so she couldn’t let things go on the way they were. Said she cared about me too much.

The thing is, when it comes to borderline personality disorder, they will also invariably devalue you.  When they devalue you, they may no longer want to be with you.  This will happened no matter what you do or do not do.

BUT what really gets me is she gave me access to her personal blog a week or so before she left me, saying she trusted me and stuff. Going back far enough I find the blog RIDDLED with posts when her ex was hurting her. Not physically, but mentally. Cheated on her, left her to hook up with other girls, didn’t prioritize her. Basically just six of years on and off of her being treated like crap.

Ok, two things might have been going on in those old blogs you read. (1) She was treated very badly, but because the other person was always on the verge of leaving her (i.e. abandoning her) she fought hard to avoid this abandonment which made it seem like she kept going back from more punishment.  Or (2) What she wrote in her blog was more what she *imagined* was going on her her relationship while she was devaluing her ex.

Either way, my point is that when you suffer from BPD, your perspective/your reality gets distorted by your disordered emotions.

Being that I need to understand and am having the worst time getting over this (withdrawaling, if you will), I check up on her blog. She’s hung up on this guy! Like her posts seriously make it sound like she wants THAT back. Even though I “saved her” and “felt like home” to her.

While she is idealizing her ex (which is what is happening while she is pining over him), to her, he is the one who has "saved her," who "felt like home" to her.

I don’t get it at all, and I can’t understand why that toxic relationship is something anyone would want, and it hurts like no other knowing I treated her so well and got tossed and cut off like it never happened.

It's ok not to get it at all.  I think the part that is difficult to get is that people who are disordered think and behave differently from people who are not disordered.  And maybe that's the part that you're having trouble accepting, that she is disordered.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[EdR]

I really feel for you. I guess that's the hardest part of letting go: there is no real sense of closure, we just try and learn about these BPD traits, but still we just cannot truly understand their behaviour, because they are wired so differently...

And then we see them in day to day life or on FB and they still look and act like a completely normal human being. So it becomes even harder to understand it all... .

It would be far easier if we could just say: "alright, we've done something terrible and that's why she left or acted that way".
But most of us are only guilty of caring too much for them... .

Idk... .I still struggle with this as well. The urge to contact her is gone fortunately, but I still feel really sad and -like you- I just don't 'understand'. The label 'BPD traits' and all the related theory might have helped me understand this rationally in a way. But NOT emotionally.

[blueblue12]

EdR, I feel similarly to you, I have reached the point of understanding what went on, the changes that ensued, the discardment from the point of view of BPD, rationally, but emotionally I do get stuck, after all there was love there and there was kindness and closeness. My ex wife told me months after the breakup that during that period when she decided we were done as she put it at the time, that she somehow could not control what was happening inside of her, that she never wanted to hurt me, things were changing fast. She has never acknowledged a personality disorder trait with me, but saying that, after learning about BPD somehow has made sense to me. Nevertheless at times it masks the beautiful person I see. It’s so hard when the breakup doesn’t make total sense. At the time she was done because according to her I was “too controlling, insecure.” Two months after the breakup I was “the greatest love of her life” and we needed to get back together! But how can you, especially when you were treated so so badly during the discardment, how can you trust again. Deep down I can’t do it.

[papayagirl]

Mine was the same way. I was the most amazing woman he had ever met when we first met, and his love was intoxicating. He "cared about me, and it had been a long time since he cared about anyone". He told me he was in love with me. I would hold him in my arms when he was depressed.
None of this stopped him from shoving me to the curb for someone else.
They act on impulses. And according to others, the more you are nice to them and care about them, the more scared they get so they run before you can.