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Author Topic: New to group and to BPD world  (Read 500 times)
GAT222
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1


« on: November 04, 2017, 08:41:25 AM »

I’m new to all of this and trying to learn as much as I can about BPD. My 19 year old son was recently diagnosed with BPD and refuses help. We have good days and very bad days. My wife and I feel terrible as we’re learning through books that 50% of the cause of BPD is the parenting that our son received. We are good parents, we did our best and provided lots of love to our son his entire life. He was never abused at home. However, has mentioned recently that he was a victim of serious bullying for years at school when he was younger. He thinks that that’s what caused his BPD.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Rockieplace
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married (40 years this year)
Posts: 151



« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2017, 10:58:12 AM »

Hi there and welcome.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now.  This initial realization of the problem is very difficult indeed.  It is a form of grieving in my opinion.  We have been there too around 3 years ago when our daughter (now 35) was first diagnosed. 

Your post about being good, loving parents is very familiar on this forum.  Indeed it is the same as mine and my husbands.  We struggled to find a reason why our daughter had this illness as she too was very loved and well cared for and also never abused, which she freely admits.  She too says that she was severely bullied at school and feels that this was the start of the problem.  I have searched very hard through my memories of her school days and, to be honest, have no recollection of this bullying.  She always seemed perfectly happy to go to school and had very nice friends who frequently stayed over at our house etc.  There does seemed to be a need in the BPD sufferer to pin it on something.  I've heard it a lot and there is also quite a lot of evidence that many sufferers lie about lots of things. 

If you weren't loving parents I doubt that you would be posting on here in any case.  This forum is populated by devoted, loving parents!   It is very hard to find 'reasons' but the consensus is shifting as the research progresses and moving away from the 'blame the parents' which prevailed up until recently.

It's such a complicated issue with 'co-morbidities' as they are ominously called which also seem to either be part of the illness or exacerbating factors of it.  My daughter didn't really show any traits of BPD until she started university where she has since admitted that she smoked lots of weed so we feel quite strongly that for 'sensitive' people drugs can be very harmful indeed.

I found this forum absolutely invaluable for two main reasons.  Firstly the feeling of isolation was banished when I read our story repeated over and over albeit  with some varying factors.  Secondly, the tools on the right have helped me enormously to improve my own responses to my daughter.  They have transformed our conversations and I now feel empowered (most of the time) in the knowledge that I at least am not making things worse!  I now resist the temptation to 'fix' things for my daughter and don't enable her any more.  I have also learnt to look after myself and created a life which isn't totally focused on her and her needs which was effectively destroying me.

I hope you can find solace, like I did, in the fact that you are not alone and that there are things you can change in yourself that will, hopefully, help the situation.

Lots of hugs.  
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