Feeling totally desperate

[Sapphire001]

Feeling totally desperate today.

Yesterday I was out at a regular meeting when my BPD son started texting me and calling me, asking for money. I said I wasn’t going to discuss it then, and turned my phone off. After the meeting I found 18 missed calls and 8 texts, including one saying he’d kicked a hole in the wall. There was also a voicemail message from the moment he kicked the wall – I think the resulting damage was worse than he expected.

I came home and was obviously shocked about what I saw, there’s a hole two foot square in the plasterboard, but tried to stay calm and not be critical. Went downstairs, started cooking dinner and he came down still asking for money, and then flew into a horrific rage when I said no. Threatened me, right in my face which was really scary. Took a knife and threated to cut his throat. Punched the cupboard doors and the glass patio door. Kicked the hall wall and made another enormous hole in the plasterboard. Told me if I called the police he would kill me rather than be taken away to the local mental hospital (that’s what happened last time he flew into a rage, when I did call the police). Said if I threw him out and changed the locks he’s just smash his way back in. When I said I didn’t know what to do to help him he said “Find someone to kill me.”

Eventually, like a fool, I gave in and gave him money. All he was asking for was £10 but I’ve been trying so hard not to give in – but I just couldn’t stand it any more. I’ve now said I will give him £10 a day till next Tuesday, when he gets his benefit, and then he’s to give that to me and I’ll give him £10 a day of it back – on condition that he tells his drug counsellor exactly what happened yesterday, and also contacts Mind (the local mental health organisation) and arranges to go in to one of their group therapy sessions. He agreed … but he was high and calm by that stage, so there’s no guarantee he’ll actually do it in the cold light of day.

He absolutely terrified me yesterday, I was literally sobbing and shaking throughout this. His father (now deceased) used to be violent towards me and it brought back all those awful memories. Interestingly I didn’t think DS was actually going to hurt me – he seems to have enough control to hold back from that – but the whole experience was terrifying and I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. Part of me wants to throw him out and never see him again; part of me knows he is ill and vulnerable and needs help; part of me is absolutely in pieces that this is my baby boy and I can’t do anything to ease his pain.

Today I feel beaten and broken, about to fall apart. I’m at work but I can’t concentrate and I just feel on the verge of tears all the time.

Don’t know that there’s any practical advice to be given, and I think sympathy is just going to make me cry. Just needed to vent – I don’t have any friends locally, I have told my mum but she’s as concerned as I am and just made me cry anyway!

Don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. DS has always been a challenge – childhood ADHD and teenage Aspergers DX – but this is just beyond what I can cope with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

I’m so sorry sapphire, I totally understand. You love your son, everybody loves him and wants the very best for him. You’re a good parent and what you’re dealing with is a simply terrible situation. I’ve been there and I know,

My DS needed me to be the parent he needed, not the one I thought I should be.

This is not so black and white as you may feel or see.

It starts with baby steps. The more you read then the more you’ll understand why your son behaves the way he does. There’s no way you can reason with a drug addicted emotionally immature adult - my DS needed to slowly understand that I was setting new rules.

If you carry on the way it is then nothing changes. Are you ready to accept that you can’t change him but only how you react?

I know this may seem a daft question, do you want to change your situation or just need the time to get your strength up?

LP

[livednlearned]

Hi sapphire,

I wanted to join Lollypop in saying hello.

I agree, too, about being gentle with yourself and looking for small changes to help get things back on course.

Of course, it's understandable that you want to feel safe. I know it's hard when a loved one threatens you

It's also tough when it's a child, and you see the pain and suffering.

After these rages, does your son calm down at all?