BPD Teen

[Parents! Get help here!]

2-1/2 years ago I left my husband of 20 years who had BPD. He refused to admit he had a problem. After nearly 2 years of working through the legal system I was  finally granted an emergency protective order to remove my children from his home and since then he is only allowed therapeutic visitation, however neither child has seen or talked to him in over six months because the psychologist doesn't feel that he is in a frame of mind that would make the visit productive or positive for the children.
My 14-year-old daughter has been going to a child psychologist almost weekly since I left. Her psychologist told me a week ago that she has very strong markers of BPD. She rages at me for no apparent reason, threatens suicide, tells me how much she hates me, how I'm the reason for everything bad in her life, is afraid I'm going to abandon her for no apparent reason and is now failing several classes at the private school I sacrificed to send her to her freshmen year because she insisted she needed a change.
I thought I had finally escaped my BPD ex-husband and now I'm feeling like I'm going through it all over again, except this time there is no escaping my child.

[Okdame]

2-1/2 years ago I left my husband of 20 years who had BPD. He refused to admit he had a problem. After nearly 2 years of working through the legal system I was  finally granted an emergency protective order to remove my children from his home and since then he is only allowed therapeutic visitation, however neither child has seen or talked to him in over six months because the psychologist doesn't feel that he is in a frame of mind that would make the visit productive or positive for the children.
My 14-year-old daughter has been going to a child psychologist almost weekly since I left. Her psychologist told me a week ago that she has very strong markers of BPD. She rages at me for no apparent reason, threatens suicide, tells me how much she hates me, how I'm the reason for everything bad in her life, is afraid I'm going to abandon her for no apparent reason and is now failing several classes at the private school I sacrificed to send her to her freshmen year because she insisted she needed a change.
I thought I had finally escaped my BPD ex-husband and now I'm feeling like I'm going through it all over again, except this time there is no escaping my child.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Welcome Okdame!

That sounds like a long and scary road ahead.   I'm so sorry you have gone through all that pain and still have such a hard road to travel now with your daughter.

Its wonderful you have gotten her therapy and are supporting her so much, and it sounds positive that the therapist has recognized the BPD.  Is her therapist trained in DBT?  BPD used to be viewed as a very negative diagnosis, but modern therapy can be very effective, so it might be important to have a therapist who has a record of success with BPD. 

I strongly recommend studying up very intensely, the thing I wish most is that I'd committed earlier to learning more, I think I would have avoided a lot of damaging blowups if I'd learned more sooner.  The links on the right are a good starting place, and there are many useful books.  I really like Marsha Lineham's books on DBT practice, I got her handbook and sometimes I use the techniques on myself as well to self-calm!

Please come back and post further, I expect you have a lot of ups and downs ahead of you! 

Take care of yourself

 

[livednlearned]

Hi Okdame,

Oof. I can understand how you would feel grief to learn your D might have markers for BPD, and that there is no escape  

I went through a similar experience (uBPD ex husband, and was granted full custody of S16 several years ago). S16 has not been diagnosed with BPD but he is definitely an emotionally sensitive person, or highly sensitive child, depending on the label. All of the skills taught for dealing with BPD I used with S16, to varying degrees of success. His diagnoses are ADHD/ADD combined type, OCD, ODD, anxiety and depression.

Five years ago, I also fell in love with SO, who has a uBPD D20 

The universe loves a good laugh.

I do think it's possible to have compassion for your BPD child while healing from a BPD marriage and divorce, but if your process is like mine, you may need to develop compassion for yourself first. That process was surprisingly painful.

With uBPD D20, I focus on waking up with my cup full of compassion, and spend my day making sure that cup stays full. Only when it is full or nearly so am I able to have compassion for D20 in the way she requires. It took time to figure out what needed to go into that cup to keep it full, and in that sense this process has had a lot of health and healing, even though it has never felt terribly peaceful, if that makes any sense.

I used to think healing sounded so lovely and calm and soothing, but now that I've had to grieve my marriage, my family of origin issues, and raising a child with mental health challenges, I think healing is one of the most ferocious things I've ever had to do.

Does the child psychologist have any recommendations for treatment? Does she propose telling D14 about the diagnosis, or suggest any further testing?

There is a good book called BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre that you might find helpful as you come to terms with the dx.

I'm so sorry this is happening. You are not alone 

LnL