First post from me

[No Quitter]

Hello!  I have an adult child with BPD.  I have been using different approaches to communicate with her, and have yet to find something that works.  We just went through another battle, and I'm exhausted.  She said that I had disowned her, and wanted nothing to do with her.  I brought her back to what really happened:  I put some space between us.  She sat and cried as we talked, which is not unusual.  Please, will someone tell me that this gets easier to deal with? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cocopho]

Sorry to read of your struggle with a beloved yet difficult child.
I too have a daughter,  high functioning, very high spectrum, undiagnosed, PhD. licensed Psychologist!
I have been managing without the foggiest idea or understanding of the reason for her heightened reactivity, mood lability, push/pull unpredictability.
She is now 34. I have posted on the child board, if you care to have a look at my most recent family dilemmas, initiated and exacerbated by her behaviors. After 20+ years of observation and crisis management, I only this year came to understand the reason for her behaviors. TEXTBOOK BPD. Educating myself, reading source material, felt as if I was reading my family biography.
How old is your child? Is she diagnosed, or did you discover, as I did out of desperation for rational explanations?
My experience is that the BPD has only worsened with age. I only wish I would have been less understanding during those years I had some influence and control as primary caretaker. This sounds odd on retrospect, but it is unfortunately true. I spent decades nurturing her through the good times and (all to frequent) rough ones. I decided early on that she was simply “difficult” and my best option was provision of “unconditional love”. It did not help that we were a broken family, further reinforcing my commitment to meeting her needs, even when her needs stretched me to extreme limits. I can only hope that my availability and unconditional support for all the years, perhaps helped her to reach her difficult career goals. I actually believe her BPD might have motivated her interest (as early as middle school) in Psycology. There is no doubt that she was aware of self made problems and stress.
I do hope your child is either young or compliant enough to allow for therapeutic intervention and assistance.
As mentioned already, in my case, the older she became, the more complicated and unmanageable the problems attributable to BPD.
I have posted about my most recent challenges, more painful than anything I could have expected from her years ago. Feel free to have a look.
All of the advice and support available on this site is extensive and highly recommended.
Regards, cocopho

[No Quitter]

Thanks for your reply.  My daughter is 27, and was diagnosed at 25.  Like you, I was too attentive to her needs when I could have been a better influence.  Now I have zero influence.  She is also bipolar.  God help us all.

[incadove]

Hi No Quitter - I love your username!   

I don't know if it necessarily gets easier, like cocopho said some families find increasing challenges later and when grandkids are involved.   It really varies with the individual - fortunately in some cases using the skills, setting boundaries, letting loved ones have space to succeed or fail on their own, does sometimes work and relationships improve. 

One thing that is always possible is learning to take better care of ourselves.  For me if I learn skills and try to do my best I feel better, even if the relationship is in a rocky state.  I also feel better when I set a boundary that protects myself, if I can do it in a least harmful way. 

So I don't know if that answers your question but I'm glad you found the board, supporting others going thru similar pain and issues, and knowing someone is there for you in turn, just helps. 

hugs 

[Lollypop]

Thanks for your reply.  My daughter is 27, and was diagnosed at 25.  Like you, I was too attentive to her needs when I could have been a better influence.  Now I have zero influence.  She is also bipolar.  God help us all.

Hi no quitter

I could have written those words.

I found, for me, that I wanted to have a relationship with my DS26 (dx 24). We were at rock bottom and I didn’t know what to do, I thought I’d tried everything. I got advice here and that was to focus on the core relationship. Once things slowly started to improve for both of us we started to listen better, understand each other better. I did this while I tried to improve my communication skills.

We are in a better place now, despite the problems. He shares now and he sometimes take advice (but I only give it if he asks). We talk adult to adult.

Hugs

LP