I want to be in love but I can't

[WitzEndWife]

These days I find myself wishing that I could get over the anger and resentment, and start loving him again. There's just so much hurt there for me. The other night, when we were sleeping in bed, I felt a tiny glimmer of affection toward him, like I actually wanted to be close to him, instead of just tolerating him. But then, later that night/morning he woke up and violently shook the bed getting up an hour before my alarm went off, then plopped back in, and began obnoxiously scratching his scalp (somewhat of an allergy thing, but I also suspect a nervous tick - he used to do it ALL the time). I immediately went back to resenting.

How can I find softness and compassion within myself again? How do I cut through the pain and the bad feelings? I find that I have no patience for validation these days, no patience for much of his antics. I either shut down or get angry. I feel like I don't have a loving or caring bone in my body, which is the opposite of how I used to be. I feel like I'm always in "survival mode" for myself, protecting myself against his various rages and freak-outs, and his crazy driving.

Maybe I don't have the strength for love right now? I feel like those things take a lot of energy when you're dealing with BPDs.

Any thoughts on how I could try?

[formflier]

Baby steps... .

You didn't feel "love" right at first (most likely anyway)... .it took a while.  Now there are more barriers. 

When you feel a glimmer... .fan it some.

When he was shaking the bed and all that... .did you say anything? 

There is something to be said about unapologetically standing up for yourself about obviously rude behavior.

Sort of demonstrating to the world (and him) that you "love" yourself enough to "stand up" for you and that you love him enough to "stand up" for him... .and "love" him... when he is being lovable.

That combination should bring some back...

Thoughts?

FF

[Red5]

Random thoughts... .I thought of building a fire in the fire place, the wood must be split, and cured (dried) for the best result, you must stack the wood for your fire so that the “chimney”effect will be achieved, you must add a small amount of kindling so as to create a “core of heat”, so that your fire will start from the initial ignition, application of flame... .maybe re-kindling affection in a broken relationship is of the same dynamic... .you can’t just strike a zippo lighter on a pile of fire wood, “wet logs” as it were, and expect a nice warm fire as a result, you must take your time, and understand the basics of “building a proper fire”... .be patient, if at first you don’t get that hot bed of glowing coals started, then try again, and ensure you utilize the basics of fire starting, in order to achieve the desired results... .pretty silly analogy maybe, but for me it fits... .right now, my marriage is “wet rotten fire wood”... .and my zippo is MT of butane fluid, .and I am fresh out of “fat lighter”... .and its raining, and I am cold... .and I ain’t got a water proof match to my name... .

[flourdust]

These are tough but important questions. Do you have a therapist? This is an excellent question to explore with a therapist.

[WitzEndWife]

I think therapy could be good, and also fanning the glimmers. I haven't been to therapy in a while, since I had to stop seeing my long-distance therapist for financial reasons. One thing I've noticed is, when we do a project together, I feel closer to him, so maybe trying more of those, doing things together where we're not just idle, leaving space for conflict.

I should also list the good things that are happening, like that he's making a serious effort to start his career. He's been consistent for the past month. This is a very good thing. And he's still excited to go to work, despite the self doubt running in the background. He even took initiative to go to a seminar this morning. I am proud of him for doing that.

Maybe if I try to focus on the good things, instead of the bad things, more of the good feelings will occur.

[Cat Familiar]

How can I find softness and compassion within myself again? How do I cut through the pain and the bad feelings? I find that I have no patience for validation these days, no patience for much of his antics. I either shut down or get angry. I feel like I don't have a loving or caring bone in my body, which is the opposite of how I used to be. I feel like I'm always in "survival mode" for myself, protecting myself against his various rages and freak-outs, and his crazy driving.


WEW,
I've been there too and I know how it can feel hopeless. I wondered if I could ever get past the anger, hurt and frustration. I "tried" to love him more, with diminishing results. Finally I gave up and just worked on me.

It occurred to me that I had become seriously depleted emotionally and physically, responding to a high conflict person 24/7.

I set aside the idea that I was being "selfish" by taking care of myself and started loving myself and doing what I needed to do to feel better emotionally, physically, spiritually. As I did that, I built up my "reserve" and in the process, I also distanced myself from his everyday dramas.

When I was no longer drawn into his conflicts, I could more easily observe them, like an adult observing a child having a tantrum. And with that distance, I could be more compassionate and validating, which has led to a more conflict-free lifestyle for me.

Now that I'm not getting myself emotionally tweaked by his daily irritations, I'm not feeding the monster and there are far fewer freakouts. Not to say that he's become easy-going, but he's far mellower now that I'm not annoyed, upset and frustrated.

Whether I'll ever have that "falling in love" feeling again--well, that's dubious. I'm just happy that things are quieter and more peaceful.

[WitzEndWife]

Thank you Cat F - I think that's probably a part of it also. I'm sensitive, so I do let myself get upset over his drama. Like, when he starts throwing things around, I get really angry. I also became furious last weekend when he was having a panic attack over losing his crown, while I was trying to look up how to help him. I think I still throw too much of myself into his emotional mess. It's hard to know when and how to help, and when to withdraw. If I withdraw too much, I'm not being engaged enough. If I don't withdraw, I'm enabling. I'm trying to learn how to walk the line and take care of myself.

This is hard.

[ozmatoz]

It occurred to me that I had become seriously depleted emotionally and physically, responding to a high conflict person 24/7.

I set aside the idea that I was being "selfish" by taking care of myself and started loving myself and doing what I needed to do to feel better emotionally, physically, spiritually. As I did that, I built up my "reserve" and in the process, I also distanced myself from his everyday dramas.

CatFamiliar I'm glad to hear you were able to do this.  I'm still struggling like WitzEndWife.  There is just nothing left in the tank to deal with the drama.  I have been berated 24/7 for 6 months straight now with perhaps only 2 or 3 "glimmers".  When your SO find fault in EVERYTHING you do non-stop, I start to wonder about my sanity in putting up with it.  I even get yelled at because I don't feed the dogs right... .  This morning D10 even came to my rescue yelling back at her mom, ":)ads not like that!"

If you can get into therapy please do.  My T is the one that shed light on BPD (I had never even heard of it).  Shes helped me immensely, although I know she is getting frustrated with me for waffling on my decision to stay or leave.

If you are good with phones and apps I would suggest downloading an app called Headspace.
It is a very convenient meditation app that is effortless to use.  I was against things like this but T convinced me to try.  While I wouldn't necessarily always feel better over time it helped me realize when to put some of these feelings aside and step away to recharge.  I have a set time every day to do this (can set up reminders) and just by chance when looking at my heart rate trends from my watch I noticed a considerable drop every day around the same time... .yup, turns out it was during the 5-8 minutes of using the app.  Even if I couldn't "feel it" I had proof it was doing good for my health.

Red5  As an outdoorsy guy and boy scout as a kid I like your fire/wet log analogy.

Best of luck,
-Oz

[Cat Familiar]

I, too, am very sensitive and finding the "sweet spot" of not enabling and not being disengaged is challenging. What I had to do is to err on the side of being disengaged.

When he'd lose something or tell me about a conflict with another person, I'd assure him that he'd find it or work it out.

Of course, he'd accuse me of "not caring" or "not being helpful". I would help him look for a missing object for a few minutes, so I didn't feel totally disengaged, but I didn't succumb to the panic and frantic emotions he was inflicting on his environment. It's easier for me because he has his "man cave" and that's where stuff typically "gets lost" so he's not messing up my house.

The initial difficulty I had was to be accused of not caring. And it got to a point where, truthfully, I didn't. I was so burned out with his antics that I just didn't care anymore. Yes, I wanted him to find the missing object or figure out a path to resolve the conflict with the other person, but it WASN'T MY PROBLEM.

So when he'd accuse me of "not caring" or "being selfish", I'd admit that he was right. That was really freeing for me!

[Cat Familiar]

There is just nothing left in the tank to deal with the drama.  I have been berated 24/7 for 6 months straight now with perhaps only 2 or 3 "glimmers".  When your SO find fault in EVERYTHING you do non-stop, I start to wonder about my sanity in putting up with it.  I even get yelled at because I don't feed the dogs right... .  This morning D10 even came to my rescue yelling back at her mom, ":)ads not like that!"

That's so sad, ozmatoz, that your young daughter is getting pulled into your wife's drama, defending you.

My first marriage to a BPDh (I've had two now--I'm a veteran--not military, but I do have PTSD) was waaaay more abusive and I can relate to the non-stop fault finding.

It's like the frog in the boiling water analogy. The abuse starts very slowly and like the frog, we don't realize the temperature is climbing. Pretty soon the abuse is nearly all we experience in the relationship. Yet those of us who have an optimistic and hopeful temperament remember the "good times" and have an unwavering belief that they will someday return.

It got to the point in my first marriage when I realized that the abuse was only going to get worse and I had a choice whether to submit or get out alive. And I chose the latter. I did therapy, then chose not to be with the next boyfriend, a nice guy with PTSD from military service with a troubled young daughter. Then, I fell captive to the idealization of the perfect relationship with a man I'd known for years as a friend, not realizing that he was a high functioning pwBPD. And so here I am. But this time, my life is good. I just had to get over the disappointment that my "perfect relationship" was a mirage. But there are a lot of good aspects nonetheless.

[Cat Familiar]

Random thoughts... .I thought of building a fire in the fire place, the wood must be split, and cured (dried) for the best result, you must stack the wood for your fire so that the “chimney”effect will be achieved, you must add a small amount of kindling so as to create a “core of heat”, so that your fire will start from the initial ignition, application of flame ... .maybe re-kindling affection in a broken relationship is of the same dynamic... .you can’t just strike a zippo lighter on a pile of fire wood, “wet logs” as it were, and expect a nice warm fire as a result, you must take your time, and understand the basics of “building a proper fire” ... .be patient, if at first you don’t get that hot bed of glowing coals started, then try again, and ensure you utilize the basics of fire starting, in order to achieve the desired results... .pretty silly analogy maybe, but for me it fits... .right now, my marriage is “wet rotten fire wood” ... .and my zippo is MT of butane fluid, ... .and I am fresh out of “fat lighter” ... .and its raining, and I am cold ... .and I ain’t got a water proof match to my name ... .

Love the metaphor, Red5. Last year we had a huge rotten oak tree fall down. It fell in the middle of my round pen, where I train horses. Fortunately I wasn't riding there when it fell and it crushed some metal panels.

It was cut up and stacked in a huge pile along the driveway and since it felt dry, I stacked lots of that wood on top of the well-cured wood in the barn.

Several months later, when I brought up the firewood for the wood stove, I discovered it was far too wet to burn. And because I had stacked so much in the barn on top of the aged wood, I couldn't get to that without a major ordeal. Though I used ample kindling, I could barely get it lit and when it finally did burn, it provided almost zero heat. So last winter, I used the furnace almost exclusively, until the last few weeks of cold weather, when the stack of wood next to the house was finally dry enough to burn. Then I had to haul nearly all of what I had brought from the barn, back to the barn for the summer, since we live in a fire prone area.

This was a metaphor for my relationship. Last year I tried so hard to make things better, but saw very little progress, that it was mostly an exercise in futility. Finally I gave up and spent the time replenishing myself. Now that I'm able to use the tools in a way where I'm not so emotionally invested, they work great! Just like the firewood--it now burns beautifully!

[WitzEndWife]

Constant abuse makes it tough to connect to a partner. Who wants to be close to someone who is constantly hurting them? It's in our nature to want to protect ourselves from harm, not get closer to it. I wouldn't get burned on the stove and then lie down on top of it.

I used to soften when he'd fawn over me and do things for me. Now, I just see it as him desperately trying to keep me around after he's been mean.

For example, every time we go to any store to pick up one thing, he picks up the one thing, and then, like, five more things. And starts insisting that we "need" said things. Yesterday, $15 became $70. So, I mentioned that we needed to have strict budget, and he got all agitated and said he was going to quit working. We got home and I got out of the car, and he sped off. He texted me, saying he couldn't stand being around me when I "made him nervous." He then came home and acted all clingy, like nothing was wrong. It's so hard to go from one extreme to the other, and also to feel like your needs aren't being met.

I think if, for one moment, he could make me feel heard and cared for, it would change a lot of things. But that's wishful thinking at this point.

[formflier]

Did you respond to his "I'll quit statement (threat)"

Him actually quitting is something you should think through ahead of time.  Oddly enough, I don't think he will.  I do think it will be a bumpy road.

My understanding was him quitting was a "no go" deal for you.  What are you plans... .(understanding we hope you never have to use them).

FF

[formflier]

Did he "speed off" in your car?

FF

[WitzEndWife]

He sped off in my car, yes, but we've been sharing it since his has an issue.

Regarding if he quits working at real estate, well, it depends. If he just quit and did nothing, that would be a deal breaker. I'd send him packing back to his mom.

I don't think he will quit either. He likes it too much, and I also think that it allows him to have a purpose and an identity. He felt totally lost before this. Now, he feels driven and has constructive things to do. The only way I could see him getting out of it is if he tried and tried and did not get a deal. I don't think that will happen, though. I think, once he gets his first deal, he'll be hooked.

It's really more of a threat to me. Like, "If you complain about money, I'll REALLY give you something to complain about!"

[formflier]

What happened to his car... .I'm curious.  I was under the impression he was kinda handy with cars.

I'm not sure how dramatic "sped off is/was"... .but if he was dangerously operating your vehicle, something should be said.  Obviously said in healthy way... .vice ignore it or not say anything.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

He didn't dangerously speed off. It was more like, slightly faster than usual, with a deliberate turn out of the alleyway. Not something I would note as dangerous, especially for him.

His car has a faulty ABS module, for which he has ordered a replacement. Hopefully that will get him up and running soon, so we can take separate cars again.

[ozmatoz]

That's so sad, ozmatoz, that your young daughter is getting pulled into your wife's drama, defending you.

D10 has come to my defense far too many times lately. Also in the past month or so D16 is jumping in to conversations to get answers on things because my wife doesn't attack her nearly as much.  I've asked D16 to stop and let me deal with it, but she replies, dad I just dont want to hear it anymore from her... .its fine.  Now uBPDw has two caretakers... .

Yet those of us who have an optimistic and hopeful temperament remember the "good times" and have an unwavering belief that they will someday return.

I was looking through old photos last night.  Bad thing to do.  When things were good, they were good.  And really we did have some fun, but her true colors have shown... .very sad for me.

It got to the point in my first marriage when I realized that the abuse was only going to get worse and I had a choice whether to submit or get out alive. And I chose the latter. 

She's threatening to get me fired (again) as motivation to find a better job and because "I deserve it"  She's hiding things in her car and has hidden the spare key... .this is not how I wanted to spend the holidays but she is going to force things to get ugly if I have to get a restraining order to "survive".

So sorry everyone has to go through these things.  I wish there was just an easy way to sit down and talk... .

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi WitzEndWife,  I am with you on “Wanting to be in love, but can’t”. I read a book suggestion in a recent thread.  It was for “How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It”. I actually am in love with my husband, but the BPD push and pull, the rages, the insecurities make connecting and keeping a connection difficult if not impossible.

To use Red5’s analogy, keeping the fire stoked is what this book is all about.  It discusses loss of connection through fear and shame.  I am often fearful and anxious and he has shame issues from his past.  The book is really helpful because we know that trying to talk things out with a PWBPD is an exercise in futility.  The final chapter is called the Power Love Formula and it does really work in strengthening a connection with your spouse.

The sad thing is that my husband just cannot trust.  I guess his trust was so broken by childhood mistreatment that he cannot break down the barrier.   He is constantly building a case against me - proving to himself that I cannot he trusted.  For example, we have been working on a project at home which involved a lot of physical labor.  I have a week of vacation, and for four days straight, we have been working - strenuous labor.  A few times he said, I know you have other things to do and I refused to quit on the project, but worked along side of him.  Finally,  we were seeing the end of the project and he said why don’t you stay inside and do the inside housework.  So I agreed because we did need laundry and the every day things that had been neglected. Well several hours later he burst into the house calling me selfish, lazy and that descended into some very nasty name calling.

My point is - if a person is resistant to efforts to stay connected, refuses to trust despite our best efforts to be trustworthy, and refuses to get help sorting out issues caused by FOO, how many times does a partner try?

Back to your question of how to soften yourself and use the glimmers of love you feel - the book I mentioned above can definitely help with that.

I enjoyed this thread and all of your perspectives.  Looking forward to hearing more.

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks for the reco, Mustbe, I'll have to check it out. I have difficulty reading books because H is always home when I'm home. I have to sneak reading on business trips most of the time, or read online during breaks at work.

Interesting regarding the housework stuff. H doesn't call me lazy, but, if he decides to clean and I'm relaxing, then he gets angry with me for not cleaning, and implies that I'm being lazy. This is one of my triggers, personally, because (long story) I was a teensy bit overweight as a child and extended family implied that I was lazy because I was extremely bookish and artistic. Anyway, I probably feel more pain and defensiveness than I should when he acts like this, and usually I go into overcompensating mode, where I start scrubbing everything in sight until I'm breathless and sweating. Then, of course, he gets angry with me for overreacting.

This past week has been pretty good, overall. I've been able to be warmer to him. We just got a new dog, and it actually warms my heart to see him loving and taking such great care of her. And he's happy with me for finding her on a rescue site. I'll take the peace and love vibe where I can.