Baby steps - or, how to process it all

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it’s been about a week since my last (first) post and things are for the moment, better. We’re talking and there have been fewer dysregulated episodes.
I am trying to be better at listening, asking emotionally appropriate questions and being validating, i’ve Even had a couple of successes. Ok, maybe one.
What i’m struggling with is
1. not being responsible for my pwBPDs emotions. I’ve spent a very long time being told. And believing I am responsible for, everything.
2. Coming to terms with the fact I may never get closure on the affair(s) or the emotional abuse, certainly not from pwBPD.
3. Coming to terms with what the emotional abuse means to me.

So any thoughts or ideas on how other people have been able to deal with and manage this would be lovely.

[LeChuck]

So it’s been about a week since my last (first) post and things are for the moment, better. We’re talking and there have been fewer dysregulated episodes.
I am trying to be better at listening, asking emotionally appropriate questions and being validating, i’ve Even had a couple of successes. Ok, maybe one.
What i’m struggling with is
1. not being responsible for my pwBPDs emotions. I’ve spent a very long time being told. And believing I am responsible for, everything.
2. Coming to terms with the fact I may never get closure on the affair(s) or the emotional abuse, certainly not from pwBPD.
3. Coming to terms with what the emotional abuse means to me.

So any thoughts or ideas on how other people have been able to deal with and manage this would be lovely.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

LeChuck, I am glad to hear you are making progress.  Thank you for checking in.

I am glad you are resigned that you cannot change your partner.  Your communication strategies appear to be working.

One of the hardest things about having a BPD partner is deciding what is negotiable and what is not negotiable.   You appear to be at that stage.

Getting to the point of accepting our partners and their limitations is something you alone have to decide.

Everyone has limits and expectations, and no one will fault you for your decisions.



 

[JoeBPD81]

Hi Lechuck,

What you already know, and what you are learnig, it takes some time to bear fruits. Some aspects take longer than others. Not feeling responsible takes long, you have to see that what you know now, that she gets upset because if this disorder, and not because of you, you see it a bunch of times, and your brain, little by little starts to believe it. Without the guilt you are able to feel more compasion, and then you are free to do good things. I wish it was quick, but we have to be patient.

I take comfort in that even as the steps are small, they are firm and in the right direction.  At least I'm not going backwards! (Not everyday, I mean  )

[pearlsw]

Hi LeChuck,

Nice to hear again from you! Reading your post made me think of the concept of Radical Acceptance: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0 Perhaps this tool is something to consider at least trying on and see if it is a fit for you. I know this has helped me to feel less resentful and more accepting of my h and his issues. I try to love and accept him exactly as he is. Giving up any kind of sense of control is actually a quite empowering notion. It also frees me up to work on myself first and foremost. I can change my attitude and responses and embrace the opportunity to learn new communication skills. This helps me keep the hopeless at bay on most days. Some days can be quite beyond challenging, but they are only temporary.

Perhaps give yourself things to repeat in your own head:  I am not responsible for my pwBPDs emotions. I am only responsible for myself and doing the best I possibly can to communicate in a healthy and fair manner.

May I ask what closure you were hoping for about the affairs?  And what about the emotional abuse is eating you inside?

Wishing you the best!

[LeChuck]

Hi Pearlsw,

With the affairs, I'm not allowed to talk about them or discuss how I feel about them as BPDw cannot cope with the guilt she feels.
The first affair was some years ago, and she spent the 6 months that I knew it was going on telling me how awful I was and how much she hated me. After it ended I wasn't allowed to even mention it because I was being unfair as she was trying to move on. A year later and she was in contact with him for a month or so and talking about leaving once again. Once she had decided to stay, that was the end of the discussion.
The recent affair has again become a subject we can't discuss because it "sets off her BPD" She claimed to have ended the affair when I found out this time, but I know she's been dishonest about it and actively tried to hide all of the details as soon as I found out. I tried to talk to her and set boundaries at the time, but I couldn't stand up to her and let her walk all over them.

With regards to the closure, I feel like I'm not allowed to discuss the effect they have had on me, or discuss what I would like from our relationship moving forward. I know she basically wants things to go back as they were, but that was years of being told I was responsible for all the problems and a horrible person or treated like I didn't exist. It's left me with no self esteem or self worth. 

And that's what worrying me about the abuse, I don't think BPDw recognises the abuse, I can't even raise the subject with her. I'm scared of raising anything that she might not like to be honest.

I'm trying to work out how to deal with all of this and make changes for the better, but at the moment I don't know if (let alone how) I can raise any of this with BPDw

[JoeBPD81]

I get what you are saying, and it's tough.

Radical acceptance for us sometimes means that no matter how unfair or unbalanced our Rs is, there are things that the person with BPD is not capable of doing. We can't settle for abuse and take everything ourselves (We have tried, and that's wrong), but we have to accept they have a disability, while at the same time work to make it better and demand that they try what they can. Acceptance doesn't change the situation, but if it can silence for a while that annoying voice that says "it's not fair, it's not fair... ." We can stop the pain for the abuse.

The affairs work in mysterious ways. When you are cheated on, you feel one side: this is absolutely wrong, disrespectful, selfish, unloving, uncaring... .It takes your self worth to the floor.

When my former marriage was ending, and we had started talking about separation, I fell in love with a friend. I absolutely still loved my ex-wife, and my reality broke completely. Even as I had many reason before even meeting this friend, it complicated everything and I was suddenly not sure if my reasons for leaving were the right ones. I couldn't stop crying when I was alone or with my ex. But meeting this friend, for some minutes, I could feel I was a different person, and that all my pain belonged to someone else. It was make believe. And after being with her, the guilt would crush me and I thought I would never see her again.

If I had gone back to my ex, I would have had to tell her all about this. Anything she wanted to know. It's the right thing. But it would have hurt her deeply, and I don't know if it would have helped her in any way. I don't know if you can get closure for that. I never looked for it and I thought it would never happen, but it did. I know some people cheat and they are not guilty about it. I don't know what goes in their mind. But I'm sure it's never something as clear as in the mind of the person being cheated. It's not "I'm having fun and I don't care who gets hurt in the process".

I'm not defending cheating, at all. I wish it never happened, to anyone. Even divorced from my ex, I wish it had never happened to her. I would never feel completely proud of myself for the rest of my life, anytime I remember this.

What I say is that the person cheated on can't wrap their minds around what happened in a satisfactory way.  There is no closure. There is, I think, a new beginning. Looking forward instead of backward.

I bet there are therapy and tools for this. But I don't know what closure can come from her. The shame is too big. If you bring this up, I understand that she wants to run, hide or end everything, rather than thinking about it. I also understand that this is awful for you.

I guess one of your questions is: how I make sure this doesn't happen again?

I imagine other members that have gone through that, they also feel reluctant to remember and open wounds. But it would be extremely useful to many to know what works in this situation and what doesn't.

I wish you the best, and that a fundamental change happens to your SO, and your Rs goes on a new healthier path.