Metrics

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Day eleven of the silent treatment, .can’t sleep, so I figured I would look up some “metrics”.

I came here (registered) on January 06, 2017, at 07:45:56 AM.

Since then I have posted 106 times, and still counting, why did most of us come here, we’ll because we were; are in crisis, and looking for answers, explanations, and support.

As I went all the way back, I noted the history of my own r/s with my u/BPD wife.

Sobering... .

First post was January this year just after New Years, after the big 2016-2017 our (anniversary) blow out... .this one was about how bad I behaved through the holidays, divorce almost initiated, and worthy of the record book.

Then a few months later, April - May... .this one was about my Son.

Next up, August, .another one for the record books, divorce thrown out, and character assassination to her family, a full blown rage that went on for days... .again over my over my Son, this particular one brought about fifteen daze on the couch, which exceeded the usual week of silent treatment.

Then a short twenty three days later, in the second week of September, the coffee cup incident, again my Son; which bought me several more nights in the office on the leather couch.

Something about else happened in October, not really sure what it was exactly, or had happened specifically , but it had to do with another incident over the care of my Son (see the trend here)... .I think I may have helped him with his laundry?

Then that takes us up to the current bout of silent treatment and again over my Son’s evening routine... .but this time she has moved into the office, eleven days today, and an extra added twist, absolute no verbal exchanges, she has not spoken to me at all... .except maybe twice, and I have only replied via one written word, one line sentence on a note pad... .yeah, eleven daze of that... .

So this breaks down, since this last November that she pushes at about a four week, to eight week period, .with little skirmishes in between, the length of time that the silent treatment is initiated is anywhere from three days, to over two weeks, sometime as long as five weeks.

As far as BPD, I was led to this website last Christmas, after so many years of horrible Christmas’s  one after the other... .I started to search the net, “why is my wife so hard to get along with”... .and one website led to another and then led here.

So the metric is actually two to four weeks between (really big) blow ups... .and the most recent cause in fy16 & fy17 was my special needs Son, .in previous years it was anything under the sun, but I have tried my best to close those initiators off... .and the duration of the event is anywhere from two-five days, all the way out to five weeks.

Have been at this for ten years now, four dating, six married.

Both of us, this is our second marriage, both previously married twenty years each, (me actually 21),

To see the time line over a years (almost) time... .well, that ain’t cool, no sir... .

Thanksgiving is just a few days away and no end to silent treatment in sight... .why does she do this (sabotage) every year 

[Red5]

Day eleven of the silent treatment, .can’t sleep, so I figured I would look up some “metrics”.

I came here (registered) on January 06, 2017, at 07:45:56 AM.

Since then I have posted 106 times, and still counting, why did most of us come here, we’ll because we were; are in crisis, and looking for answers, explanations, and support.

As I went all the way back, I noted the history of my own r/s with my u/BPD wife.

Sobering... .

First post was January this year just after New Years, after the big 2016-2017 our (anniversary) blow out... .this one was about how bad I behaved through the holidays, divorce almost initiated, and worthy of the record book.

Then a few months later, April - May... .this one was about my Son.

Next up, August, .another one for the record books, divorce thrown out, and character assassination to her family, a full blown rage that went on for days... .again over my over my Son, this particular one brought about fifteen daze on the couch, which exceeded the usual week of silent treatment.

Then a short twenty three days later, in the second week of September, the coffee cup incident, again my Son; which bought me several more nights in the office on the leather couch.

Something about else happened in October, not really sure what it was exactly, or had happened specifically , but it had to do with another incident over the care of my Son (see the trend here)... .I think I may have helped him with his laundry?

Then that takes us up to the current bout of silent treatment and again over my Son’s evening routine... .but this time she has moved into the office, eleven days today, and an extra added twist, absolute no verbal exchanges, she has not spoken to me at all... .except maybe twice, and I have only replied via one written word, one line sentence on a note pad... .yeah, eleven daze of that... .

So this breaks down, since this last November that she pushes at about a four week, to eight week period, .with little skirmishes in between, the length of time that the silent treatment is initiated is anywhere from three days, to over two weeks, sometime as long as five weeks.

As far as BPD, I was led to this website last Christmas, after so many years of horrible Christmas’s  one after the other... .I started to search the net, “why is my wife so hard to get along with”... .and one website led to another and then led here.

So the metric is actually two to four weeks between (really big) blow ups... .and the most recent cause in fy16 & fy17 was my special needs Son, .in previous years it was anything under the sun, but I have tried my best to close those initiators off... .and the duration of the event is anywhere from two-five days, all the way out to five weeks.

Have been at this for ten years now, four dating, six married.

Both of us, this is our second marriage, both previously married twenty years each, (me actually 21),

To see the time line over a years (almost) time... .well, that ain’t cool, no sir... .

Thanksgiving is just a few days away and no end to silent treatment in sight... .why does she do this (sabotage) every year 

[babyducks]

Hi Red,

Silent treatment is difficult to experience.    It's considered a form of verbal abuse.    Which can be confusing since no words are being spoken.

I am sure that you have seen this thread here at the family, but I thought I would throw it in for others that read this post.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

This quote is right out of that link:

Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over.

The consequences of any form of verbal abuse may vary in intensity, depth and breadth. However the outcome of any form of verbal abuse impacts the receiver’s self-perception, emotional well-being and spiritual vitality. Verbal abuse takes the joy and vitality out of life through the distortions of reality, because the abuser’s response does not coincide with the sender’s communication.

The highlights are mine.   I think that most abuse, while it may not be deliberate and conscious,  is about power and control.    Would you agree?    what it seems like you are describing here is, any time you shift your attention and focus from her to your son she reacts.   she reacts the way a person with a disorder would react.   the shifting of your attention and focus, the shifting of meeting some one else's needs before hers is viewed as a threat to her.   so she uses the maladaptive coping traits that are available to her to try and protect her highly intense feelings and manufacture an outcome.

You've been here a year,  I am sure you have read many posts about pwBPD who push to separate their partners/spouses from their family of origin.    It's a frequent theme.    I see it as a type of love hoarding.   a sub conscious fear that there won't be enough love and attention to go around and that yours and mine must be directed towards them,   100% of the time and 100% of the attention.  shifting focus and attention away is a form of a mini abandonment.

I have a cousin who is, to be sure, difficult.    comes with some challenges.   still she is a very important and very valued member of my family.   and my ex partner hated her,  loathed her with a passion I can't begin to do justice too.    because when I went to visit my cousin,  or did something to help my cousin, like take her to the dentist and not help my ex partner pack,   it was as if I had made the deliberate and conscious choice to place some one else's needs before my Ex.    Which was occasionally true.   There were absolutely times where I weighed the situation and said,  nope I am going to go help cousin because I think it's more important.   I feel it's justified.

which brings me to the second highlight.   being stuck in this catch 22 situation; I felt badly if I let my cousin do for herself,   I felt badly if I turned my attention away from my ex partner.    It left some lingering damage to my emotional well being that I am trying to heal now.  

from way out here at the end of the internet I think you have a couple of options.   let me know if I missed some.   and hopefully others will chime in with theirs.

• do nothing and let her continue to drive the relationship and hope for the best

• visit the communications workshops here on this site and brush up on your skills.   then open a conversation with her, working with the information your metrics revealed

• remove the pressure of Thanksgiving and make alternative plans for yourself and your son

• consider if the silent treatment has impacted your emotional well being and how to repair that

• some combination of all of the above

Thanksgiving is just a few days away and no end to silent treatment in sight ... .why does she do this (sabotage) every year  

people with the traits of this disorder or this disorder respond very poorly to stress.   and the stress may be coming from something we don't necessarily view as stressful.     The holiday season is stressful.   There is a lot of gathering together with family which can be difficult.   There can be a lot of subtle unspoken pressure to 'have the most joyous holiday ever'   brimming with buckets of family love and perfect meals.   I have to say here my ex partner had a real thing about perfection.   it had to be absolutely perfect,  the way that ~perfect~ existed in her head.   and if it wasn't perfect it needed to be destroyed.   in the black and white world of her thinking,   if that cookie wasn't absolutely hallmark card, food channel gorgeous it was no dang good, destroy it and start again.

so what do you think?    

'ducks

[Red5]

'ducks

Thank you for your response, and the link, very insightful, and as well helpful.

‘Metrics’… it always helps me to write things out, to apply time lines to historical events, to see the highs, and the lows; the ebb, and flow of the relationship dynamics, both positive, and negative, much like we see on the detective shows on the television, to “reverse engineer”, to deconstruct the scene afterwards, to actually see the patterns of the behaviors, point of origin, to last point of contact/interaction, this allows us (me) to look inside from the outside, rather than be on the inside and not being able to discern what is happening due to being caught up inside the turmoil of it.

This latest bout of silent treatment (ST), this time I applied an new countermeasure, when she broke off into her ST behavior, well so did I, every couple of days (happened two times over weeks plus period) she would give me a “one liner”, a command/adjustment; ie’ you need to write a check for this, or you need to ensure this is completed, almost as if she is making small “pings” (search sonar analogy) in my direction to ensure her perceived dominance, control, and authority… even though I am (was) well aware of these daily responsibilities/tasks that needed to be completed well beyond and without her interjection to ensure; and breaking from her ST to make sure I remembered (well you think; sarcasm!), She does this all the time… (continuing), this time, I did not let her break the ST with me, as instead, I responded with a written note, my own “one liner”, with a small scribble pad… the first time I did this, she just looked back at me, and I could tell she did not know how to respond (good!), the second time I did it, she said snapped back at me; to stop with my “childish behavior”, and just talk to her (like a man she said; )… so this was resultant in a small start, that turned into a low energy argument, in which we argued our way out of ST, and to “mutual ground”… just in time for Thanksgiving… she went from ST, back to argumentative, onto snuggle in one afternoon, after an eleven day siege… and after I offered my best apathetic apology, and presented my latest behavioral modifications recommendations for my Son’s daily routine, It’s been a week now, so far so good, now to get through Christmas.

I weighed the below from your post, figured out the best course of action to take (written responses) and I used bits and pieces (workshops) to get beyond the ST, so far so good.

•do nothing and let her continue to drive the relationship and hope for the best
•visit the communications workshops here on this site and brush up on your skills, then open a conversation with her, working with the information your metrics revealed
•remove the pressure of Thanksgiving and make alternative plans for yourself and your son
•consider if the silent treatment has impacted your emotional well-being and how to repair that
•some combination of all of the above

Interestingly over the weekend, she did take a small swipe at me, -> after we got the Christmas tree up, and got all the other Christmas icons unpacked, and put up around the house, she said she used to love Thanksgiving, and Christmas, until she met me (Bravo Sierra), but I just let it go, and went on about our day, not a hill worth dying over.

The next few weeks will be very tenuous (twilight zone), many avenues to destruction can be taken, but if I am smart, and on my game, I may be able to “re-direct” and avoid any of these aforementioned avenues to further “dysregulation’s” and destruction of the remainder of the hollidaze.

Again, thank you ’ducks for your responses and the most valuable links for ST, v/r Red5

[flourdust]

The big picture here is that there is a recurring problem, and that it fits into a broad pattern. This is an important insight. You've probably seen a lot of posters here who are simply reacting to the crisis of the moment. Seeing that the current crisis is just the latest bump in a long trend line helps to put things in perspective ... .if that perspective is that any solution involves changing the trend line, not waiting out or fixing the current crisis.

What could you do to bend the trend line down?

[Red5]

The big picture here is that there is a recurring problem, and that it fits into a broad pattern. This is an important insight. You've probably seen a lot of posters here who are simply reacting to the crisis of the moment. Seeing that the current crisis is just the latest bump in a long trend line helps to put things in perspective... .if that perspective is that any solution involves changing the trend line, not waiting out or fixing the current crisis.

What could you do to bend the trend line down?

That's a good question @flourdust, .I have reached back into my "archives"... .Since I respond best to writings (checklists) here are a few points.
*Be ever vigilant, as I am now very attuned to her feelings, moods, and as well triggers, practice conflict avoidance, ensure I do not present myself in a manner that will trigger her anger.
*Sensor my speech, and my thoughts they may encourage argumentative speech from her, towards her.
*DO NOT “share” things that I know will upset her fragile sense of herself, ie’ “mom called today”.
*”Clear the path before her”, eliminate, disarm, remove, evacuate, or camouflage anything that may be in her “path” that may be a perceived anger initiator.
*Never ever EVER show any anger, or disappointment towards her, even if she tries to start something (conflict) towards me (dysregulation type behaviors).
*Do not try to prove any points with her in conversation (looming argument), even in casual conversation, be passive, be polite, BUT have a plan to quickly escape, pass through, to be out of sight in a moment if necessary.
*Support her in all she does, or attempts to do, within reason.
*Listen to her, and let her interrupt me often.
*Never be in my comfort zone around her.
*Always assume things can change in an instant, with one sentence, or perhaps a facial expression on my part... .instantly.
*Never share anything with her that I have not "scrubbed" in my own head first, self-censorship.
*Best to not ask any questions about her family, or what's going on, and when she shares, promptly end the interchange by not adding my own commentary, or opinions.
*Respond with as many less words as possible, do not "load the gun".
*Keep things very simple in our interactions, do not assume she is my "friend" anymore.
*Reciprocate only the degree of affection as she gives me.
*Never, I say again… never, make any demands of her, or else request any type of explanation from her.
*Accept that this is an “independent relationship”, you (me) are own our own, never look to her for any kind of emotional support.
*Stay busy in her presence, stay very busy.
*Don't make too much of a fuss about anything, do not share my thoughts with her, just listen to her, let her "play out" and nod my head, and try and get the interchange to an end as soon as I can.
*Whatever she asks me to do, do it, .quickly, .if at all possible, .don't ever try to "match" her in being bossy, NEVER EVER nag her back, even if she starts in on me... .remember to diss-engage as soon as I can... .NEVER fight back... .
*Out of sight is "out of mind"... .the shed in the back yard is a blessing !
*Hold her hand if she will let me, listen to her "war stories"... .but don't ever engage in "I got one too"... .just listen, and avoid traps, especially if she is going on and on about her "dysfunctional family"... .just listen, indeed it will go on and on, but not forever, eventually she will go to bed... .
*If she wants to be held, then hold her.
*Recognize behavior patterns, and try to escape them.

This may get me through a few more years with her, I just have to accept who she really is, and that she is not going to change in her “summer years” 50 +…

It is what it is, v/r Red5

[flourdust]

You sound pretty defeated. Is that part of the cycle, too?

Crisis! -> Insight ("There's a pattern" -> Hopelessness (List of things I can do which is actually a list of how miserable I am) -> Failure to do anything new -> Next Crisis!

[Red5]

You sound pretty defeated. Is that part of the cycle, too?

Crisis! -> Insight ("There's a pattern" -> Hopelessness (List of things I can do which is actually a list of how miserable I am) -> Failure to do anything new -> Next Crisis!
[/quote

Yes @flourdust, I guess I am defeated in the sense that I know there is nothing I can really do except preserve and try hard to stay on my feet emotionally with each episode, the most perplexing thing is that most times it comes at me from nowhere despite my “mental checklists” I use to avoid the never ending episodes/bouts of her “displeasure” with me, yes... .defeated, there is no “winning”, no lasting treaty of peace, this last instance erupted just yesterday on the way home from work in which I always call her, to see how she is, how her day went, and I slipped up and fell into a trap, she asked “how was your day” as I was driving down the highway, I relayed that my coworker had a bad day, and decide to leave early because he was angry... .huge mistake, this turned into why didn’t you leave early too and come home and spend time with your wife, she continues, “he leaves early all the time why don’t you”... .and I fell into a brief attempt at JADE, ... .but this only bought me another tour in the ST wing of my prison... .yes, I do say that I am defeated, it just never ends... .v/r Red5