Adult step daughter

[Jellicle]

Hi all, thank you for letting me join the group. I know we’re all asked to write an introductory post, so here goes... .
My step daughter is in her 30s and was actually diagnosed with OCPD a few years ago. Her behaviour seems to tick all the BPD boxes now though.
The really awful thing is, we’ve lost contact with her for now. She’s decided that she hates me and her Dad. She’s lashed out and done some horrifically hurtful and destructive things, to the point where we had to involve the police a number of times. It really has been that bad.
We’re at the point now where her Dad has stopped contacting her, and the only times she’s ever contacted him has been to leave rambling, hateful messages or to scream at him.
We believe she’s getting professional help now, which is good. I’m torn between wanting to ‘fix’ everything and wanting to protect the rest of my family. My husband doesn’t want me to contact her at all- he’s said if she comes to him calmly and more reasonably it’ll be a starting point. I’m just at a loss-I hate this situation and I hate feeling like a villain in all of it when all I’ve ever done is try to help.
Hoping to learn more about family relationships with BPD, and hoping that in time I might be able to help by sharing my experiences too... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jellicle,



Welcome to the community! It sounds like you and your husband have been through some really tough times with your step-daughter. I can fully understand the conflict between wanting to "fix" and wanting to protect your family from the drama. Many of us can relate to those feelings here—you are definitely not alone. 

You've found a great place for support. I encourage you to check out the Lessons to the right sidebar of this page --------> 
There are  a lot of things you can do to help keep conflict at a minimum, if/when your step-daughter contacts you again. We also have a Step-Parenting board, which you may want to check out, too.

What kinds of behaviors are you dealing with, Jellicle? How are you and your husband taking care of yourselves? Do you have a good support system around you?

Keep writing. It really helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Jellicle]

Thank you HeartandSoul, I really appreciate your reply. Just to give you an idea... .
-She can seem to be a ‘little sweetheart’,  very girlie and delicate until she doesn’t get her own way or something triggers her. Then she flies into a rage, which can last for hours or days.
-It honestly seems that she can never have felt genuine love for her Dad, even though he brought her up single-handedly after her mother left them. He gave up everything for his daughter.
-She’s stolen from him, even tearing pages out of his precious stamp collection which he’d been building up from childhood
-She’s been spreading rumours about us both, which are clearly untrue. She’s trying to damage our reputation at work and in the community, as well as our relationships with other family members.
-At the moment she’s going weeks without contacting us, then sending vitriolic text messages or leaving long, rambling, aggressive voicemails. There’s been no attempt at ‘normal’ contact
She’s definitely drinking too much, and I suspect there might be drugs involved as well. She has a habit of falling for very controlling men who take advantage of her.
I tried to support her by sharing my own experience with a controlling ex, but she’s somehow twisted that around and is telling everyone some of the deeply personal things I’d told her in confidence in an attempt to help her not feel so alone. (That was my biggest mistake as she really has stored up all the information to ‘use against me’)
She mocks me on her messages, she belittles her father, she threatens to hurt us and involve other people as well, to cause more damage.
She just seems consumed by misguided rage, and it’s so awful to see.
There’s so much more and it’s just so horribly sad. I do still wish I could help her. I’m wary of ever getting involved again though after all this. Having said that, I’d never try to stop her Dad from having a cautious relationship with her again, but it just looks as though she might have burnt all her bridges.
If this is an illness that’s making her do all this, it’s the cruelest thing. Because it just seems as though she is acting very consciously to try to hurt us. It’s soul destroying to watch it happen.
I feel angry with her for what she’s doing to our family, sad for her for what she’s doing to herself and incredibly guilty that I can’t seem to do anything to make it better. Worse, I’m starting to feel as if we might be better off with her out of our lives. I can’t bear to think that about a child of ours though, it’s awful.

[Jellicle]

I’m worried I sound a bit heartless here... .I can understand that the drink and probably drugs might well be a way to try to self-medicate. I’ve read a lot into BPD and I can only imagine that the whirlwind of emotions must be absolutely agony for her to live with. I know she needs help, but it just feels as if she’s pushed us away and we’re ‘the enemy’ at the moment. Having seen the damage she can do, I’m afraid of what else could happen

[FaithfulHope]

Hi Jellicle,

Wow... .minus the threats to hurt you, this sounds just like something I could have written about my DD age 25.   Wow!   Mine lives with us at the moment but she is rarely here.  I can relate to every word.   I also can relate to your conflicting emotions of feeling sorry for her and frustration with her.   Your stepdaughter had an actual abandonment from her mother.  In our case, ours is our biological child of an intact family brought up with love and values.   However, knowing what I know now about this, I think my mother had this as well and she inherited it.  My sisters daughter has issues (probably not BPD, but they have been through tremendous turmoil as well) and my cousin's daughter (on my mothers side) also has issues with relationships and volatile emotions.   Clearly there is a genetic link in our case.   

But no matter how you got here, it's all the same difficult journey.   I have a difficult time feeling sorry for mine when she chooses illegal activities.  Mine is thief, definitely an alcoholic and probably into drugs, has definitely been associated with drug dealers, got convicted of keying someone's car and slashing tires, and is extremely promiscuous and a compulsive liar.   She also shows no signs of empathy.   But at the same time, she is my child and I just cannot stop worrying about her and hoping for a miracle.  I can't turn my back on her for fear she would hurt herself... .and she knows it.   We are at the point though where is she probably on the path to lose her current car and for the first time we are not going to fix it.   She has been through about 5 cars in the past 7 years.   But when this car dies or is impounded for whatever reason we are not stepping in and there will be fireworks.   I am grateful for this group because the members here truly understand our struggles.   If you or your husband do reconnect with her, you need to be cautious.  Keep her at arms length with strict boundaries.   I had to do that with my own mother and someday may need to do the same with my DD.   Wishing you peace of mind.   

[JustYouWait]

Jellicle,

I joined about 10 minutes ago, and yours is the first thread I've read.  I am so sorry that you're going through this, and I want to tell you that you are not alone.  We are struggling mightily with many of the same issues you are.  I hope it gets better for you and yours.