Dealing with threats, suggestions please?

[ozmatoz]

Things are really starting to hit the fan in my marriage.  Its been a long road to get here and it appears that divorce is immanent.

I'm hoping to get some thoughts/suggestions on how to deal with a few threats that are coming at me hot and heavy.

1) She continues to threaten my job.  Most would say, what can she do?  Well there was some garbage that happened earlier this year and she is insanely manipulative and has made up a ton of statements.  I am an employee at will and my employer is already frustrated with the distractions this situation is causing me, she texts and calls non-stop.  She says she has things on me that will get me fired and is enjoying the thought of me "getting what I deserve".  Just by contacting my office and causing trouble could be enough to get me fired.  She often threatens me with... ."you don't know how bad I can get... .just watch me"
How do I deal with this?  I'm thinking the only thing is some form of restraining /no contact order with my work.  But is she just bluffing now, if I push for a RO will that just incite her anger?  I'm terrified of this person she has become.

2) All day she's been telling me she'll have my stuff waiting for me outside when I get home.  In the past she's thrown my clothes out the 2nd floor window over the front lawn.  If I get home and they are neatly placed in the driveway I'll just bring them back in the house.
If they are all over the lawn or destroyed some how, should I call the police?  Sounds like a waste of their time over silly husband wife squabble but they did come to the house and arrest her on DV back in august.  Perhaps take a picture and drive down the station and talk to them in person rather than making a call.  Thoughts?

3) She is really starting to gaslight me and seems to "find it amusing"  Shes yelled at me for going through her closet yesterday when I wasn't even home, she telling me I didn't have conversations with the kids that I specifically remember having, when I force it and say go ahead and ask them she just starts laughing.  Today she kept trying to call me at the office, I was in a meeting with my boss.  I texted her I would call her later I was in a meeting with X.
Then she repeatedly tells me I'm lying to her and she knows I wasn't in that meeting.  I push back "umm yeah, he was sitting right in front of me"  Yet she says she knows I'm lying and then says "oh really how can X be in two places at once?  Should I call him?" then proceeds to laugh again.

4) She's threatening to air all of our dirty laundry out in front of D10 and D16 to show them how "sh--ty" a person their dad is.  She found one of my pro/con worksheets about divorce that was separated into two sides. "what I look forward to if I leave" and "what am I afraid of if I leave"  On the look forward side I wrote "No pressure to be home on time on days I don't have the kids" Backstory is I'm berated for being on time let alone a minute late.  Also I wrote "Freedom to actually have real honest me time"  She says this is me putting in writing that I'm looking forward to not having the kids and she wants the kids to know that I don't love or want them.

There's more but these are the biggies, she's just turned so cruel and vindictive, and I cannot even grasp in my head how people act like this or see that in the end all of these threats actually HURT the children... .

Sage advice or calming words welcome.

[Tattered Heart]

Things are really starting to hit the fan in my marriage.  Its been a long road to get here and it appears that divorce is immanent.

I'm hoping to get some thoughts/suggestions on how to deal with a few threats that are coming at me hot and heavy.

1) She continues to threaten my job.  Most would say, what can she do?  Well there was some garbage that happened earlier this year and she is insanely manipulative and has made up a ton of statements.  I am an employee at will and my employer is already frustrated with the distractions this situation is causing me, she texts and calls non-stop.  She says she has things on me that will get me fired and is enjoying the thought of me "getting what I deserve".  Just by contacting my office and causing trouble could be enough to get me fired.  She often threatens me with... ."you don't know how bad I can get... .just watch me"
How do I deal with this?  I'm thinking the only thing is some form of restraining /no contact order with my work.  But is she just bluffing now, if I push for a RO will that just incite her anger?  I'm terrified of this person she has become.

Have you talked to your boss about this? Explain to her that your W has a mental illness, that she is threatening to try to get you fired, and that you are concerned about losing your job because of it. Many employers will be sympathetic to their employees because they have seen these situations before.

Last year a woman in our office left her H, who I suspect had BPD. No one really knew what was going on at the time, but our supervisor directed us to keep doors locked at all times for about a month. And she also asked all employees to be sure not to just let anyone into the building to wander around on their own but to have them wait in the lobby while going to find the person who is supposed to meet them. Later the woman shared with me that she was the reason for the new rules. She was worried about how her H would react to her moving out. I thought it was so supportive for our boss to take precautions for her safety.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I’m sorry you are in such an upsetting situation.  As far as #4 and your children, it doesn’t seem like a terrible thing that you wouldn’t have to be home on days not
responsible for the children’s care.  Having time to ourselves is something that kids can understand.  Something like you adore time with them and being their
parent, however time to yourself helps you recharge and be the best parent possible when you are together.  If you talk to them in advance maybe your wife can’t hold this over your head.  Just a thought.

You have mentioned many serious things.  I don’t have advice to the employment situation, but perhaps others have been through a similar circumstance and can weigh in.

Take some deep breaths and try to center yourself.  Maybe try to tackle each thing as separate situations and not get overwhelmed by lumping all together.  This
Strategy helps me - divide and conquer.

Best to you, Mustbeabetterway

[Radcliff]

Hi Oz,  I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time.

Vigorously defend your work.  She is already texting and harassing you at work so you can't concentrate.  You can block her number when you are at work.  You are probably well past the point where a restraining order is a reasonable thing to do.  Your employer may also be able to get a workplace restraining order against her.  If they get it, that would be a sign they are on your side and would document and put out in the open that you're having external challenges.  Engaging your employer this much may or may not be something you want to do, I understand, but it may be an option.

If she throws your clothes on the lawn, call the police to the house.  That's a freebie -- you have no risk of being arrested if it's just about clothes on the lawn.  You need to establish a paper trail.

There is also something called a "personal conduct restraining order" in many states that is often used for non-domestic issues.  But it does not involve a move out.  So you could potentially get a personal conduct restraining order and wrap into it all the things you want to protect yourself from.  Clothes on lawn, threats at work, etc.  And if you get that order, it'd be very good to consider having the court force her into a therapy program as well as a batterer's intervention program.

Any involvement of the kids in disputes, or telling them that you're a loser, will get fired, etc., write it down.  These are huge no-nos and you need to document it.

You need to talk to a domestic violence person locally.  Consider asking the police who they think is the best around.  There are probably several non-profit agencies to pick from.  There may be one in your town or nearby geared specifically towards the folks in your community.  Call and talk to a couple.  You're not looking for a low level hotline person -- the ideal person for you would be the director of a small local agency, or someone else who is very experienced and knows that domestic violence is 90% psychological and also is accepting of male victims.  If you can find this person it will help change the game for you.

WW

[Radcliff]

More on the idea of talking to someone locally.  You are stuck and need to get over the hump to take drastic action.  You need to hear a voice that counters your wife's.  The effect of someone live and in person who understands DV looking you in the eye and telling you they believe you and ithe abuse must stop is profound.  They will also likely know a lot about RO's, though you will want your RO drafted by a lawyer experienced in DV.  :)rafting and getting an RO can take a couple of weeks in a nonemergency case.  The decision to start drafting is distinct from the decision to file it which is distinct from the decision to serve it after its signed.  You can stop at any of those waypoints.  The drafting process itself can be a learning exercise and empowering.

Finally, remember that drastic action need not be a war against your wife or a prelude to divorce.  You would be setting off a bomb and the results are unpredictable, so you would need to be prepared for divorce but perhaps she would be shocked that she actually might lose you and would get help (though again you will want to consider mandating both therapy and a batterer program in the RO.)

WW

[formflier]

What was the outcome of the prior arrest?

In the past month or so, have you tried any new boundaries or tactics.

All of these issues can't and shouldn't be addressed at once.

Which is most serious?

FF

[ozmatoz]

FF, we convinced the DA to drop the charges, and DCF investigation on neglect in the house has wrapped up with no finding.  I could have and maybe should have taken a harder approach, after the arrest, but its just not in my nature.  It was the first time anything like that ever happened and I feel like I over reacted as well and it very well could have been me.  I think having a conviction on her record would ultimately cause more long term damage...

I have tried to disengage more and not "take the bait" when the texts come in.  When she starts I walk out of the room if we are in person.  It stops the moment, but it starts right back up.  Its hard to explain.  She is in various stages of dysregulation with me about 20/24 hrs a day.  She keeps pitting my family against my job.  Stating that I'm still a POS loser who would rather lose my family than my job.

She just doesn't get it.  Yes we've both done some stupid things to harm the marriage and she only sees me not "working on meaningful gestures" to allow her to love me again.  She repeatedly tells me she no longer loves me and she can't wait to do better, but as it approaches critical mass she throws it out there that it could be better if I would just choose to not suck.  This is a bucket with a hole in it and there is no way to tell her that I just no longer feel we are compatible and that I firmly believe at this point we are so damaged goods that we need to move on.  Its not me giving up on family or really even her for that matter.

How do I tell her that I don't believe I am the one to make her happy without her turning that around to tell me that I still suck?

Thats is where I believe these threats are coming from.  She knows no other way than to get aggressive with me.

The biggest threat is against my job. I get it, there are reasons she wants me to leave and find better.  I do have a resume out there and I have started looking but I'm not going to take something less, just to appease her because in the end... .we'd have to cut back.  We should anyways but she says no, actually wants more!

I have let HR know, they are aware of troubles at home but its a complicated situation.  I work for a small company (approx 100 people) and I am supposed to be one of the leaders... hard to lead when your life is in a tornado.

I feel like I'm being blackmailed.  Work the relationship to HER unobtainable satisfaction or face dire consequences... .  I do have an attorney engaged at this point but putting in NC orders into a divorce complaint may actually set her off.  She'd cut her nose off to spite her face.

Days like this I want to disappear.  I've let a good life an options for happiness slip by me this year and that only contributes to furthering my depression.

I hate this.

[formflier]

In hindsight... .do you think dropping charges was wise?  I wonder if you would still be getting threats now?

Thoughts?

FF

[ozmatoz]

I think dropping the charges on physical violence wouldn't matter.  Every text or verbal exchange over my job is her feeling I need to be held accountable and in such a righteous manor that I really don't believe she's in a right frame of mind to consider consequences.  I think she feels like a victim and when I don't play into a rescuer and say "Yes, I will magically have a new lower hour, higher paying job that I can work from home" she flips to persecutor and tries to force me into the victim role.  Its nauseating.

She tries to use it as a hammer and has often said she likes to see me "sweat it out" but now its being turned into blackmail.  Make me happy under my terms or face dire consequences.

A new threat emerged this afternoon regarding her DV arrest.  She says and took pictures of her wrist saying that I also hurt her.  The police did not take any pictures nor note it in the report.  For all I know she did it to herself or it was the handcuffs.  Possibly it was us tussling over the phone, but I know I was very careful not to touch her.  Now she say I have YET to answer about how I HAD her arrested, and where is MY accountability for my actions that night?

Wants me to go spend a night in jail... .  this is insane.  I didn't arrest her, the cops did!

[formflier]

Big picture.  "Saving" pwBPD from consequences of their actions is rarely helpful to them "maturing".

If they do things that have logical and natural consequences... .and those consequences are removed or they somehow avoid the consequences, I hope you can see how they would "skip" learning a valuable life lesson.

Just a thought.

As far as right now... .why have discussions with her about this at all?  Have you tried boundaries?  Why not offer to discuss a fish dish you may make for her.  If she insists talking about pink flying elephants, dv arrests, or big foot... .let her talk about that... .alone or anyone else but you.

You control what you do... she controls what she does.

Thoughts?

FF

[ozmatoz]

Point well made on her learning her own consequences.  She's so big on making sure I learn mine... .

I have tried to move away from some of the "pink elephants" and disengage best I can.  She is relentless though.  If she could ever pour the same amount of determination she has on making me miserable into something else... .I'd bet she'd be surprised at how good life could be.

Disengaging from her topics seems to trigger abandonment issues which spill into rage so enforcing boundaries around what and what not to talk about is a very fine line that I usually find myself on the wrong side of.

I will keep trying though!  Thanks FF.

[Radcliff]

formflier, great to see you here.  Oz is in a tough spot, and your wisdom is spot on.

Oz, it's been a few days -- next time you log on, let us know how you're doing.  We will continue to offer advice on how we peers think you might be able to address some of the issues, but know that we know that this is not easy.  Not at all.  In fact it is unfreakingbelievably difficult.  You may not feel on top of things, but everything is relative.  The stress you are under would cause most of the guys you know to go up in a puff of smoke.  You are strong, and a survivor.  You are battling a force of nature.

As I'm getting some distance from my relationship recently, and tiring to work through issues with my uBPDw with help from some family members and outsiders, I'm seeing how I helped to enable my uBPDw by being terrible at setting limits, rescuing her from the natural consequences of her actions, etc.  But it doesn't change the fact that I was dealt a crazy hand far outside of what was reaonable for any guy to cope with.  Any scenario I can contrive where I could have fixed our situation, I would have had to be a teflon-coated robotic psychologist with absolutely no emotional needs of my own or any weaknesses or shortcomings.  If in the midst of all this craziness you are able to be calm and loving to your D10 and D16, then you are a hero.

Keep moving forward.  You are not alone.

WW