Discovered my husband has BPD

[Mic Drop]

I recently discovered my husband of two years has BPD.  It has been the most difficult and exciting two years of my life.  I am on a roller coaster and feel like I am going down fast.   I was married for 22 years and after a difficult divorce, I was sure I met the most exciting man of my dreams.  I no longer have my career, I am realiant on him and the fighting has become so bad; I want to run; I have nowhere to go.  I have cried more in the past two years than in my entire life.  I have given him power to make me feel less than I am.  Although I am still confident in who I am, he can make me feel terrible.  I am looking for wisdom and insight.  I just finished reading 'Stop Walking On Eggshells' and am working through clear boundaries and consequences.  Thank you for reading.  

Mic

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome

You've found a great place for support and help. I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. The ups and downs of a BPD relationship can be really hard on a person.

Boundaries are really important but can be tricky. A lot of time we think of boundaries as putting ultimatums on people. You do X or I'll do Y. In reality boundaries are more about our own personal values and responsibilities. What are your values?

Can you describe what you mean by working through consequences?

[JoeBPD81]

Hey Mic Drop,

I hope you can tell us how things are going. Your story reminded me of mine. I was also married (for 16 years) and then I divorced and met a woman with BPD, and my life changed a lot. On top of that, I became a father of her two kids almost instantly. They are the ones depending on me economically, and I can't even think about running because of that. It's a different kind of feeling trapped. I stay because I love them, but I can't think about leaving, because it's not an option.

The year of the divorce, I cried everyday, I hid at work to cry, I cried at the subway while people looked puzzled at me. I thought I would reach some stability after... .But it didn't come.

This website and its people have helped me a lot in understanding what was going on, and in taking things in other ways. The situation was crushing my self-esteem. But bit by bit, I can believe, and internalize that what happens is not about me. I can do better, always, but I'm not causing this (neither is she, it's a disorder).

So I'm not going to feel guilty all the time, I'm not going to feel less than, I'm not going to feel like a burden, like an inconvenience, an annoyance... .Her words still make me feel that way many times, but when they do, they mostly don't represent what she feels about me, but the pain that she has inside that she can't express. So I'm starting to believe that at a leven that doesn't hurt me, or at least not as much and not all the times.

I hope things are better already for you, but if not, they take time, but they do get better. I've gotten a lot of help here dealing with specific problems, don't hesitate to ask. At the very least, we listen, and we get your pain.