2AM and he's locked himself in a room again since 9:45PM

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I really don't know what to do. H has been in depressed mode lately, not picking up after himself, and sleeping more than usual, but he's at least been okay otherwise, and I've been able to get him out of the house over the Thanksgiving holiday. Tonight, he seemed fine, chipper as always, but then he went out to get some milk for the morning, and came back and locked himself in the guest room again. There's nothing in there - no bed, and it's just being used for storage, so it's pretty unpleasant and uncomfortable in there. He did this once before, claiming to have had an anxiety attack, and just wanting to be alone.

I'm okay with giving him space and everything, but I don't think it's acceptable to just shut someone out and refuse to talk to them about anything. He still hasn't really talked to me about the previous incident. Is it fair for me to set boundaries? And what boundaries are okay with this? It doesn't feel fair for him to just lock himself in a room and refuse to come out for 4, 5, 6, 8 hours at a time. And, clearly, this is not healthy behavior and it requires treatment.

I'm just not sure how to handle it at all. All I know is that I cannot keep going like this.

[WitzEndWife]

I really don't know what to do. H has been in depressed mode lately, not picking up after himself, and sleeping more than usual, but he's at least been okay otherwise, and I've been able to get him out of the house over the Thanksgiving holiday. Tonight, he seemed fine, chipper as always, but then he went out to get some milk for the morning, and came back and locked himself in the guest room again. There's nothing in there - no bed, and it's just being used for storage, so it's pretty unpleasant and uncomfortable in there. He did this once before, claiming to have had an anxiety attack, and just wanting to be alone.

I'm okay with giving him space and everything, but I don't think it's acceptable to just shut someone out and refuse to talk to them about anything. He still hasn't really talked to me about the previous incident. Is it fair for me to set boundaries? And what boundaries are okay with this? It doesn't feel fair for him to just lock himself in a room and refuse to come out for 4, 5, 6, 8 hours at a time. And, clearly, this is not healthy behavior and it requires treatment.

I'm just not sure how to handle it at all. All I know is that I cannot keep going like this.

[babyducks]

Hi WitzEndWife,

Well that would be freaking me out,  the locked room thing.      Sheeesh.

Is it fair for me to set boundaries? And what boundaries are okay with this?

Of course it's okay to set boundaries around this.    Remember though,  that boundaries are about us, about our values and our feelings and not about changing or controlling  someone else's behavior

Here is the link to the workshop:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

One of the best tools I learned here was how to set boundaries.   I use it all the time now, although I might not share it aloud.

Some one here taught me the tool of When I see, notice, hear or observe,  I feel (angry, scared, frustrated or hurt,)  so I will take care of myself by.   That was the beginning of defining boundaries for me.    It was the beginning of being more assertive in meeting my own needs.

In the situation you are describing, my response would look like this.    When I notice you have locked yourself in the guest room I feel nervous, anxious and concerned.   So I going to leave a blanket and water outside the door and then go out for some exercise and something to eat.   When you are ready I would like to talk about the best way to handle this for both of us.

that would work for me because sitting around staring at a locked door would just ratchet up my level of anxiety.    

how are you doing today?

'ducks

[RoseR]

You said you’re ok with giving him space but from your post it doesn’t seem that way at all

[WitzEndWife]

You said you’re ok with giving him space but from your post it doesn’t seem that way at all

It's not that I'm not okay with giving him space, it's that there is no resolution to it. As in, he goes in there, with nowhere to sit, in a room full of boxes, and no phone or computer, with the door locked, and is there for 5+ hours, and he never talks about it. This is not normal. And, sorry, if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, you can't just shut them out like that. Last time, he said he was having a panic attack, but I haven't known anyone to have one for 8 hours straight, and, honestly, there are better ways to handle such things. Either way, as a wife, it's my right to be concerned about this. This isn't, "Hey, I need some space," under normal circumstances, this is him having some kind of severe mental illness/emotional symptom, and being unable to deal with it.

I try to give him the space to come out of it, but after 3 hours, I start to worry, because I worry about him self harming or just being in pain and not being able to get any relief. I know that I cannot change his behavior, other than to tell him how I feel about it. I did tell him that he made me feel helpless and that, if he didn't trust me with his pain, I could not help him. He agreed and said that he would try reading the DBT book I gave him (he hasn't yet).

[formflier]

I'm seeing a very concerned wife trying to sort out what "to do" about some really odd behavior.

I'm going to steal line from Babyducks... ."sheeesh... ."... .


OK... .am I correct that you have seen this behavior twice now? 

Chances are you will see a version of this again.  While you are not in charge of or responsible for his behavior... .you are responsible for thinking through how your reactions may "feed" dysfunction... .or provide him "relief" in a dysfuntional way.  Another way of saying... what is he getting out of this... .from you?

So... .my only suggestion... .something I will insist on... is that you think through what you can do next time to be extra kind to yourself.  You don't want to toss that in his face... .or likely even mention it. 

Theory:  He is supposedly taking care of his needs (panic attack)... .I for sure want you to focus on your needs... .and go overboard with it.

What would that look like?

Good grief... .  I often say pwBPD toss some curveballs... .and they do... .this one has me scratching my head, because I can't see how this comforts him... in any way.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I have absolutely no idea what he's getting from me by locking himself away. Maybe just a lack of inquiry into his behavior? I don't know.

As for me, this kind of thing usually happens at night, so it's especially disturbing. The dogs even sense that something is wrong and won't settle down. I'm really not sure what I can do for myself, except maybe watch a movie or read and try to take my mind off of what is going on.

[formflier]

 
So... .I've got lots of physical stuff with my body going on.  I'm always a fan of a long stretch with light exercise... and a long hot bath.  I'm generally set to go for a good sleep after that.

Again... I've got sleep disorders... to sleep is huge for me.  If he does this at night and it affects YOUR sleep... I would focus stuff there.

Oddly enough... .I think your "concern" is what he is after.  (this is reading tea leaves).

If on the scale of 1 to 10 you have been giving him a 5 concern... .I would cut it to around a two... or a 1 next time.  Perhaps let him know you don't understand... .you are concerned... .and are ready to listen when he is ready to talk... .then drop it... .unless he comes to you to talk.

If he ever does... remember... listen... .validate... .no solutions.  I should say ask him first about solutions

Let him suggest... .likely... .he has no idea.

"I've got a couple ideas... .can I share them now?"  Don't share unless you get a clear yes...

I would stick to things like... ."when I feel anxious at night, I'll ask you to go for a walk with our dogs".

Suggest he time his footsteps with his breathing in and out (ummm... .it really works for me).



FF

[WitzEndWife]

Oddly enough... .I think your "concern" is what he is after.  (this is reading tea leaves).

If on the scale of 1 to 10 you have been giving him a 5 concern... .I would cut it to around a two... or a 1 next time.  Perhaps let him know you don't understand... .you are concerned... .and are ready to listen when he is ready to talk... .then drop it... .unless he comes to you to talk.

If he ever does... remember... listen... .validate... .no solutions.  I should say ask him first about solutions

Let him suggest... .likely... .he has no idea.

"I've got a couple ideas... .can I share them now?"  Don't share unless you get a clear yes...

I would stick to things like... ."when I feel anxious at night, I'll ask you to go for a walk with our dogs".

Suggest he time his footsteps with his breathing in and out (ummm... .it really works for me).



FF

Great advice FF! Yeah, I think I'll try to cut the concern, and just focus on myself and the dogs. Maybe I can do some meditation to keep my mind off of the negative energy created by his anxiety.

And, yeah, I do need to stop solving things. It's the worst habit of mine. I am a total problem solver, so it's hard for me to not jump in and offer solutions. I'm working on it!

[formflier]

Unless he specifically asks or agrees that he wants your solutions... .

"jumping in" can be "pushy"... .sometimes too much "problem solving" even when invited... can save them from themselves.  It all depends on the downside... .and the possible effect on you.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Update: he did this again last night. I don't think he's doing it for attention because he was in the bed with me, and then he went off by himself while I was sleeping. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I found him gone, but all the lights in the house were off. The lights were off in the guest bedroom (I could see under the door), but I knocked on it, and the lights flipped on. He answered the door and said that he was just "thinking" and that he was going to take a sleeping pill and come back to bed. I went back into bed, but then realized that he'd gone back into the room, instead of coming out. I said, "What's going on?" He answered, "I'm thinking about therapy!" I said, "Yeah, maybe that's a good idea," and went back to bed. He came out about 20 minutes later, and I didn't say anything. He read on his phone a bit and went to bed.

I have sleep issues too, and I couldn't fall asleep again for about two more hours. I've had a rather stressful month: old dog having adjustment issues with our new dog (they got into a scuffle over a chair last night and my old dog ended up with a small wound on her ear -which was traumatizing for me and for her), H doing this freakout thing more frequently, and end of the year financial dread (I went a little overboard on Xmas this year). I was just up thinking about everything, stressing out.

It would be fantastic if H could get some help, if he's serious about it. We'll see.