Update on the assault case...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My apologies, I suspect that this isn’t necessarily the “right” board for this, but this is the board where I did most of my posting and where most of the people who know me are. Besides, there isn’t really a board for my situation. I hope there are never enough of us in my situation for there to need to be.

I heard from my victim advocate today, last Tuesday (I didn’t hear until today because if the holiday) my ex plead guilty to 3rd degree domestic violence assault with special circumstance of substantial injury. He agreed to the exceptional sentence of 9 months with 12 months of parole, mandatory mental health treatment and parenting classes and a 5 year criminal no contact order.

And that’s that. He was required to write a statement “in his own words” (but I could tell that his attorney probably composed it for him and he copied it) just essentially stating that he had caused “negligent harm to his girlfriend (insert my name)” and that he acknowledged the extent of injury far surpassed the standard for 3rd degree assault.

That is probably the closest thing I will ever get to a statement from him accepting any responsibility - and it wasn’t even in his own words. But for my own healing I will need to figure out how to be ok with that. I’m welcome to attend sentencing on December 8th and give a statement. I can also write a statement for the advocate to read if I prefer to NOT attend. Or I can just say “screw it” and not attend OR give a statement. I’m deciding what to do. I’m flip flopping all over the place. Stay tuned I guess.

As for life - I am beginning to stand. I have such a wonderful class of kindergarteners this year and they force me to be emotionally present for them in a way that keeps me out of all of this for at least those 5 hours of the day. I ran a local half marathon the Saturday after Thanksgiving as a gauge of fitness and had a decent time on an uphill course. It felt appropriate somehow. I start serious training in January (after my surgical recovery) for a May marathon. I’m excited about that.

December 19th I will be having surgery to straighten the bridge of my nose and fix my septum. I am so ready to be over that hurdle. The past few weeks my nose has begun to feel somewhat “normal” (though definitely visually still crooked) so I’m really not looking forward to having it rebroken. But I’m a bit vain, I really need my face back. My ex took so much from me, he doesn’t get that too.

Thank you all again for your support during my relationship and in the messy aftermath. Knowing that there are people who can grasp the complicated dynamics in these situations has been so important to me. I’ll be around!

Lala

[Lalathegreat]

My apologies, I suspect that this isn’t necessarily the “right” board for this, but this is the board where I did most of my posting and where most of the people who know me are. Besides, there isn’t really a board for my situation. I hope there are never enough of us in my situation for there to need to be.

I heard from my victim advocate today, last Tuesday (I didn’t hear until today because if the holiday) my ex plead guilty to 3rd degree domestic violence assault with special circumstance of substantial injury. He agreed to the exceptional sentence of 9 months with 12 months of parole, mandatory mental health treatment and parenting classes and a 5 year criminal no contact order.

And that’s that. He was required to write a statement “in his own words” (but I could tell that his attorney probably composed it for him and he copied it) just essentially stating that he had caused “negligent harm to his girlfriend (insert my name)” and that he acknowledged the extent of injury far surpassed the standard for 3rd degree assault.

That is probably the closest thing I will ever get to a statement from him accepting any responsibility - and it wasn’t even in his own words. But for my own healing I will need to figure out how to be ok with that. I’m welcome to attend sentencing on December 8th and give a statement. I can also write a statement for the advocate to read if I prefer to NOT attend. Or I can just say “screw it” and not attend OR give a statement. I’m deciding what to do. I’m flip flopping all over the place. Stay tuned I guess.

As for life - I am beginning to stand. I have such a wonderful class of kindergarteners this year and they force me to be emotionally present for them in a way that keeps me out of all of this for at least those 5 hours of the day. I ran a local half marathon the Saturday after Thanksgiving as a gauge of fitness and had a decent time on an uphill course. It felt appropriate somehow. I start serious training in January (after my surgical recovery) for a May marathon. I’m excited about that.

December 19th I will be having surgery to straighten the bridge of my nose and fix my septum. I am so ready to be over that hurdle. The past few weeks my nose has begun to feel somewhat “normal” (though definitely visually still crooked) so I’m really not looking forward to having it rebroken. But I’m a bit vain, I really need my face back. My ex took so much from me, he doesn’t get that too.

Thank you all again for your support during my relationship and in the messy aftermath. Knowing that there are people who can grasp the complicated dynamics in these situations has been so important to me. I’ll be around!

Lala

[itgetsbetter94]

Lala, my nose was once broken in a crash. It was litterally all over my face. It was a shapeless mess on my face, stretching all the way to the end of the eye- imagine that. I thought there was no chance in hell I would ever look like I used to. But today it's just a distant memory and my nose has it old, normal,  boring shape.  So will yours.

I've been following your story and your updated. You sound so much better now, I'm so happy for you!

9 months is too short for that kind of assault in my opinion, but justice is one thing and law another unfortunately.  He might as well have killed you, he didn't know which kind of injury he would inflict and that kind of assault could have easily ended with you being dead. He is a potential murdered with a long list of previous assaults. He is a danger to society. I feel sorry for both you and his son for having him in his life.

You are such an inspiration to me. I talked to my T the last time I saw her about violence, my ex assaulted his grandmother (started choking her) and mother and he told me more than once that he was actually plotting to murder his own mother at one point in his life. I asked T, is it possible that he could became violent with me eventually, and she affirmed.  Having our hearts broken is one thing, but putting us in danger that can end in death is something entirely different!

Stay strong!

[Cat Familiar]

It's truly galling--the inability to accept responsibility that tends to plague pwBPD. So much easier to forgive people who admit wrongdoing and have remorse. Of course you will never expect nor want to see him again, but still--he couldn't come up with his own words acknowledging what he had done to you! Gak! That makes me angry.

You are so bright and articulate. I'd encourage you to write a statement. Whether or not you want to appear in court and see his reaction to your words, well that's another matter.

Add me to the club for surgically repaired noses. Now mine is smaller and much cuter than it was before and I can breathe better. It is a very sensitive part of the body with lots of nerve endings, as you well know.

It's amazing what a good plastic surgeon can do to fix damage. My husband had a skin cancer lesion removed on his nose this spring. The amount removed was about the size of the tip of my little finger--a large divot.

The day after his surgery, he needed to change the dressing, so I unpeeled all the bandages, expecting to find something rather ugly. Instead, there was a hairline scar--of course lots of redness, but just a tiny scar. Now, months later, there is no scarring whatsoever. It's truly amazing. His nose looks great. You'd never know he'd had any surgery.

Have a wonderful holiday vacation and keep us posted as to your progress!  

Cat

[flourdust]

I'm really pleased to hear from you. Your ex deserves his punishment, and much more. And you deserve to keep on that healing path.

[GaGrl]

I too encourage you to write a statemeny... .you could decide after you write it whether you want to read it yourself. It could be quite healing - take back your power!

[chillamom]

LaLa,
It's wonderful to hear that you are "beginning to stand" and recovering your self and your health.  I also agree that writing a statement would be a good idea, if it is not too terribly unraveling, although I would certainly NOT appear in person (that's just me).  I do think that the sentence he is receiving is too light, and I don't know if your words would have any effect legally, but stating the truth about the situation would certainly be another step in reclaiming your power as your own.  Again, it's good to see you are doing ever so much better.

[DaddyBear77]

Lala THE GREAT, your story has affected me in ways I can't describe. My daughter starts kindergarten next year, and I sincerely wish she could have you as her teacher.

I went back and read your post from October 19th - you saved this man from deportation by working with the prosecutor to craft an offer based on assault 3 rather than assault 2. Am I reading that correctly? This man should thank whatever supreme being he believes in that you did this. Furthermore, you're thinking about future victims and getting an accurate record to protect others!

I would say that if you do attend in person, make sure you've got really good support around you. I'm assuming this would be the very first time you've seen him since the assault and arrest. I can only imagine how hard it will hit you to see him.

You're an amazing person, Lala. Whatever you chose to do with the statement, know that you've already done amazing thing after amazing thing.

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support!

Daddybear - you are so kind, you give me so much credit and I’m not entirely certain it is deserved. But it is definitely appreciated. 

Yes, in October I was asked for input in creating an assault 3 plea so that ex wouldn’t be deported.  In honesty, my first response was to throw a little tantrum about lowering the charges. But at the end of the day and ALOT of consideration, I decided that if his record reflected a violent assault that would multiply the next domestic violence charge, and if he was willing to agree to the same amount of jail time (the maximum for a first assault 2 conviction) than I could be satisfied.

Well, satisfied in the sense that I would be getting as much as I could hope for reasonably within the confines of the legal system. A legal system that, in my humble opinion, is far from ideal. But that’s another post entirely!

Lala

[babyducks]

Kudos to you Lala for the tremendous amount of healing you have done.   both the physical and emotional.    I know that people who write these types of kind, calm, composed posts didn't just ~fall~ into that space.   They worked, clawed and struggled to get there.    they got up every day and did the difficult inner reflection and honest grappling with gnarly stuff until it was processed.