Has anyone been the subject of NC/LC?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I couldn't give two hoots whether or not she has BPD or not. At the moment she wants a divorce and she seems moderately intent on getting one albeit being a bit push/pull enroute. My choice is to stay married and to stand for my marriage in the best way I can within the realms of what is rational and reasonable. My choice is to not enable her decision to divorce and get her to do the leg work and hopefully realise how she hasn't been a victim of me all these years and in fact I have been foolishly nurturing her. My choice is to avoid where possible my children getting a sense that I have abandoned them hence why I am staying in the family home much to my wife's disappointment and inconvenience. My choice is to use the tools where possible in the face of abject venom and distain to soothe a person intent on trying to twist my words, gaslight, manipulate and deceive on occasions, who's constantly paranoid I'm out to do her wrong and constantly in fear of a perceived abuse.

BPD and all it's contributions are just there, they are interesting to observe and such explorations help soothe my own personal anxieties with regards to the constant unrelenting doubt that I am going mad. Yes I am seeking my own validation from others with shared experience to ensure my own sanity in an otherwise crazy world where no one else quite sees it like I (we) do... .but I know that doesn't make me a bad person for reaching out for those shared experiences, especially since most people listen to me and look at me as if to say "you've been reading too much rubbish on the internet my friend" normally followed by "hey man, you wanna start looking out for yourself, think of number 1 for a change."

I'm thinking about us, me, my wife and my kids.

A BPD diagnosis is irrelevant to me other than it might once and for all alleviate some lingering personal doubts around my own perceptions. My choice is not predicated on the disorder any more than it would be if she had Alzheimer's.

[Enabler]

I couldn't give two hoots whether or not she has BPD or not. At the moment she wants a divorce and she seems moderately intent on getting one albeit being a bit push/pull enroute. My choice is to stay married and to stand for my marriage in the best way I can within the realms of what is rational and reasonable. My choice is to not enable her decision to divorce and get her to do the leg work and hopefully realise how she hasn't been a victim of me all these years and in fact I have been foolishly nurturing her. My choice is to avoid where possible my children getting a sense that I have abandoned them hence why I am staying in the family home much to my wife's disappointment and inconvenience. My choice is to use the tools where possible in the face of abject venom and distain to soothe a person intent on trying to twist my words, gaslight, manipulate and deceive on occasions, who's constantly paranoid I'm out to do her wrong and constantly in fear of a perceived abuse.

BPD and all it's contributions are just there, they are interesting to observe and such explorations help soothe my own personal anxieties with regards to the constant unrelenting doubt that I am going mad. Yes I am seeking my own validation from others with shared experience to ensure my own sanity in an otherwise crazy world where no one else quite sees it like I (we) do... .but I know that doesn't make me a bad person for reaching out for those shared experiences, especially since most people listen to me and look at me as if to say "you've been reading too much rubbish on the internet my friend" normally followed by "hey man, you wanna start looking out for yourself, think of number 1 for a change."

I'm thinking about us, me, my wife and my kids.

A BPD diagnosis is irrelevant to me other than it might once and for all alleviate some lingering personal doubts around my own perceptions. My choice is not predicated on the disorder any more than it would be if she had Alzheimer's.

[barnowl]

Enabler, you hit on a frustration I have lately as well: once we started getting professionals involved in our woes and as family and friends learned more and started taking "sides", it suddenly became that I was seemingly the only one in the world thinking about "us" meaning the whole family as well as our marriage. (My wife, like yours, is intent on divorce.) The last person in the world with any hope of reconciliation. My heart just burns thinking about it.

I could ruminate on this a lot more, but that's not helpful.

It's definitely hard changing my behavior in the specified "BPD-handling" ways, but I consider it a potentially good sign that my wife says she doesn't like the "new" me when she's on one her episodes. Clearly I've at least changed how I react to her, hopefully in mostly the right ways.

[Meili]

Well-meaning friends and family can do more harm than good because they cannot truly understand what is happening and the dynamics. Unless someone has experienced these types of intense relationships, they have no perception of all that is involved. It is very easy for others to judge because they are not in the situation and do not have to deal with all of the emotions.

I had to stop talking to others about what was happening in my life because they could not understand. That was one of the best parts about finding the bpdfamily. It became a place that I could openly discuss what was happening without having to defend myself or my x's actions and choices.

The other problem that I found was that when my x and I started to reconcile, the people closest to me had ill feelings toward her because of how she treated me. It was very damaging to the reconciliation process because it created limitations on what we could do and who we could associate with.

[Enabler]

Well said all round there Meili. I know for example my family would find it very difficult to forgive my wife should we manage to reconcile, similarly some of her flying monkeys have such entrenched perceptions of me based on their interpretation of my wife's emotions and the things she has said that they would constantly be looking to undermine me going forward. I have seen this with some of her old friends especially our bridesmaid whom has been at the coal face of her disparaging comments about me for 20 years. I think she believes my wife to be insane that she's staying with me, putting up with what she perceives to be going on. Each time we cycle she reels out the last times this has happened as to reasons why she should move on from the "abusive" relationship with me.

[Meili]

Another problem that comes from discussing the relationship with third-parties is that it creates shame that must be overcome. pwBPD struggle a lot with shame and it leads to projection and rages.

Of course we cannot control to whom the pwBPD in our lives speaks, but we can control who we tell.

I learned to just vent it all here. It was far more productive in the long run.