The saga of the notebook

[kells76]

Not totally sure what I need here -- probably just some outside perspective.

SD11 has to journal for school, and she typically takes her journal with her from school to wherever. In the brief bit that she & I have talked about it, she's mentioned that she likes some of her teacher's journal writing prompts, but they do have the option to free journal, and she often does that. Sometimes when I see her journaling I'll ask if she was able to "get everything out" and she'll say yeah.

A few weeks ago she'd left her journal out in the living room while she was at an activity. DH flipped through it and that's how he found out some gnarly stuff she'd seen (explicit images   ) He was kind of shaken up but ended up talking with her the next day -- not about looking through her journal, but he approached the topic a different way. She never asked "did you read my journal" so she may not have put together that that's why DH raised the issue.

This past weekend DH took the kids out to do something, and again SD11 left her journal out in the kitchen. OK, I admit, I flipped through it too... .

... .aaaaand last night (school night) she remembered to bring her backpack back to Mom's house but, guess what, left the journal out on the kitchen counter. Again.

She also has this funny dual nature about journaling -- she is totally obvious about the fact that she journals in public (out at a restaurant, in church, in front of us at home), but gets all protective when it seems like someone is reading what she's writing.

She's not a forgetful kid. Part of me thinks that underneath it all she wants what's in that journal to be known. But I think she's having a lot of conflict, too -- a push/pull or something, where she both needs DH to know what's going on but can't let him know what's going on. She's been clamming up verbally a little more (granted, she's on the 12 side of 11).

Throwing a wrench into this is that she journals under a persona that Stepdad created of her in a story he's written. So, she doesn't sign her journal "SD11", she signs it "Stepdad's Character".

Another concern I have is that she's baiting DH to meet some need of hers. I.e., a need of hers will be met if she can confront DH about "invading her privacy". Maybe she's having conflict about whether DH is not a "bad guy" and this would "prove" that she and Mom & Stepdad were right, and were all together and in a group, about DH being "bad"? Maybe she needs to feel close to Mom/Stepdad again?


I'm also conflicted about reading her journal. I did it, and if she asks, I'll tell the truth. Now that I think about it, I think I'm having a hard time with the fact that she's moving away from the little bit she had been opening up to me lately.

I know it's a lot of speculation. It helps to start getting this off my mind. I think I'm wondering if you guys have been through something similar.

[Turkish]

This sounds a little passive aggressive,  perhaps? Or perhaps her right hand doesn't know what her left is doing (thinking of my ex leaving her "break up" journals on my home when she moved out).

Unless there is something critical there (SI, say), what's the risk of doing nothing as far as D is concerned?

[takingandsending]

Seems like her subconscious brain wants something to be see, but in real life, being seen is really scary. And the converse is true to: in real life I want to be respected and treated as an adult, so don't read my journal. But that's scary. I'm not an adult, and I need someone checking up on me.

I would stop reading her journal going forward, left out, left open or not. Regarding her not bringing it to Mom's, is it also equally possible that she doesn't feel confident that Mom won't read it? The fact that she is using her dad's story tale name for her sort of suggests to me that she's trying hard to stay in that safe place of being his little girl, someone special to him, even while she is moving into viewing adult images and trying to become who she is going to be.

How can you meet her needs? Maybe by gently letting her know that we all need to be seen, but it's really vulnerable and scary. And we all move from childhood to adulthood, and it's confusing, and creates a lot of conflicting feelings, but you and her dad have her back, you are around for her, you will create a framework for her as she moves through it. Does that sound like the right message? Are there stories you can share, ways to acknowledge the changes in her that honor and demystify some of it? There's just so much going for all girls her age - she's right in the middle of big changes. My S12 is at the precipice as well.

Hope any of this was helpful. Hope others weigh in.

[kells76]

Thanks guys. Yeah, Turkish, I think she doesn't really know what she's doing or why she's doing it. Whatever confusing thing she's feeling, it must somehow seem like leaving the journal around is fixing that feeling. And you have a good reminder that not everything going on with the kids necessarily needs A Formal Response. I think I just doubt myself a lot -- like, should I be asking more validating questions right now? Should I this, should I that... .so maybe just staying calm and keeping the waves low, not tsunamis about everything, is OK. For now... .

TaS, not sure if you saw this part, but it's STEPdad's character name for her, not DH... .which makes things a little complicated. But perhaps the point still stands, that the fantasy world she has had at Mom's for so long, where she is an amazing precocious hero, isn't going to last forever, and journaling as that character might be her attempt to fend off that world breaking down.

And you're right, this has been a good wake up call for me respect the boundaries around her space a little better. Good idea that vulnerability might be part of this right now, too. Typically SD11 does better with being vulnerable when she's consistently in counseling. Counselor has had to cancel last 2 sessions, plus there was Thanksgiving, and I think an off week before that, so SD11 hasn't had that resource in a while.

I'll try to keep your message ideas in mind through the next weekend with the kids. Maybe I can combine Turkish's idea and yours -- doing "nothing" about the journal in the sense of not over/reacting to it, but bringing up tangential stories about growing up/changes, and trying to have my actions be what's supportive, not just words.

Sometimes I feel so underqualified to stepparent... . 

[livednlearned]

Hi kells76,

SO's D20 did the same thing with her laptop when she lived with us.

She also never closes her browser when she uses the shared computer. She never logs out of stuff.

And when she talks to her mom, she talks at a higher volume than her normal talking voice from her room or on the back porch. You can hear everything.

I do think there is an unconscious desire or compulsion to have us hear or read things. She will ask for feedback on poems and it's pretty clear what and who the poems are about, but she'll say they are for class as though that cancels out the fact they are about something private.

I took a global approach when D23 moved back in with us and addressed everyone, in a casual way. I don't think anyone in that family has ever met a password, so I brought it up. Hey guys, I can't not read things when you leave the browser open, and the walls in this house are paper thin. If you want privacy, it's your job to protect yourselves from me.  

They think it's funny, which I guess means I took the sting out of the topic. One of the kids wanted to get Alexa and I said no, we already have a know-it-all   nosy Nancy who hears and reads everything on the network.

That way, it's their job to keep stuff private. I evidently don't have the willpower to not look at something if it's right in front of me.

It did take a bit of talking with my therapist to sort through this. Earlier, I made a conscious choice to not invade my son's privacy as he got older. We talked about all of this as part of a church-connected program on sexuality and values, and came up with a compromise that worked for both of us. I can't really do that with D20 so I had to bring it up another way.

The flip side is that you can use the information for good. A lot of what D20 made easy to discover helped me support her better. And it clarified my instincts, which gave me some additional confidence that I was dealing with a really troubled family member, and not just triggered by my own stuff.

Would you feel comfortable asking her what you should do when she leaves her journal behind? Maybe that will open a discussion that helps you... .

[kells76]

Brought this up with the kids' T the other day. Interestingly, she said 100% Read It. Says it makes sense to her that SD11 feels that leaving the journal out is a safe way to communicate -- because it has that built-in safety of indignation ("How could you read my private journal!", yet she does want to communicate about whatever's in there. So she said read it and use what you learn when you have conversations with her. T also suggested that SD11 is ELEVEN and should not be treated at an adult level of privacy, which I thought was an interesting way of un-parentifying SD11.

LnL, good idea on asking the open ended question ("What should we do if someone leaves their journal in the kitchen"?) and seeing what ideas come up. And you're right, DH & I have the option to make it the kids' responsibility to keep their own private things private by saying stuff like "whoever wants privacy needs to put their diary away".

T was also 100% positive that Mom reads the diary. Makes some sense of the "voice" that it's written in -- Stepdad plays a large & positive role in it.

[takingandsending]

Hi kells76.

I kind of get what the T says, and also think you want to aim for something better. It is a safe way for you SD11 to communicate, and she is scared of her own thoughts and needs an avenue. But ultimately, the goal is create the safe environment, validation and understanding that she needn't do that anymore but can ask, can trust she's safe and you will care for her feelings. I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with scary stuff going on inside - seeking physical contact/reassurance, talking about anything but what's worrying us, acting out/projecting out what were thinking.

What would you like to see SD11 be able to do as she matures? How can you model that? That seems to be the best approach, don't you think?

[Turkish]

I read what my ex was Journaling because she left it on top of the couch she read sleeping on after abandoning our bed.  She also had one in the master bedroom bathroom (by then my room,  but she had her woman things in there,  so she continued to use it until she moved out).

When she moved out,  she cleared everything off of the bathroom hutch,  but left that journal.  By itself alone on three shelves it was conspicuous.  Ditto for the couch journal.  Maybe she did want me to read them.  To this day,  I'd never tell her.  I think she'd deny it (defensive), but especially the bathroom journal being left by itself was weird. I'd never do that. 

[kells76]

TaS -- yeah, you're right, ultimately. This isn't a great, healthy way to communicate (by leaving a journal around and "hoping"/"dreading" that someone will read it). Honestly, it's a struggle for me to think about what I want for communication for us & the kids, which is what you described

the safe environment, validation and understanding that she needn't do that anymore but can ask, can trust she's safe and you will care for her feelings

and then to think about where we're at, which is... .this. Then sometimes I think back to where we started at before counseling for the kids, which was classic "you're not my family" "you just want it  your own way all the time" all that stuff.

So, we have come a ways, which is good, but we're sort of on this plateau right now. DH is a lot better at just getting right to it with the kids. Maybe this is more my issue than his, then -- I focus so much on keeping things safe and comfortable and validating that I don't push them very hard to open up. It's hard for me to know if what's better for SD11 right now is to feel like she DOESN'T have to talk about EVERYTHING with me, or if, now that she trusts me more, I should be pushing.

I struggle with sussing apart whether I want SD11 to open up more with me because that's what I want or because that's what's best for her. You know?

So that's in the mix as I try to answer your question. I'd like to see SD11 able to do stuff like say "I think I want to talk about something but I don't really want to bring it up", and then be open to having help talking about it. That seems like a good step. I'd like her to be able to be less reactive as a way to get attention (she'll often say provocative stuff with no real understanding of what she's saying). I want the kids to be able to let go of being defensive in communication and just relax about being wrong.

And maybe this is at play, too -- it's hard modeling those behaviors and feeling like they don't stick with the kids.

[livednlearned]

I understand everything you're saying. It's like listening to myself 

I struggle with sussing apart whether I want SD11 to open up more with me because that's what I want or because that's what's best for her. You know?

I even feel this with my own biological child, S16. 

My take is that most, if not all kids with narcissistic/BPD parents struggle with emotional connection, period. Emotional closeness can feel alien at its best and at its worst, can evoke fear -- it's an unknown. A lot of our kids tend to have some deficit with empathy, in general. So SD11 may not be able to accurately read the room, and know what is available to her, including you.

With SO's kids, I realize how valuable my role is to them, even if it means that I recognize it before they do. I'm realizing with both SO's girls (D20 and D23), that my kindness, validation, consistency, steadiness is desirable and also a bit foreign, so they aren't entirely sure what to do with it. D23 and I made genuine contact after living together for 1.5 years, and leading up to that we had a mutually respectful relationship. She's an adult with more skills available than SD11.

I say all of this because my sense is that you are doing exactly what is necessary, at a pace that is emotionally safe for SD11. She may not have the instinct to reach out to you because it is not a muscle she uses. Being vulnerable may be too scary, for good reason (based on her experiences with biomom). Building up emotional strength and trust could take time, and you will in all likelihood have excellent intuition about what she is asking for, when she is ready.

I think the plateau can extend for a long time, and we can't really shorten the duration by wishing for it to end