My Ex wife and Daughter have BPD traits

[Ricky2005]

Hi all, I'm new here but looking for support/advice... .or something at least. 
My Ex-wife (who had a breakdown as a teenager and a full major psychotic breakdown in her mid thirties) shows strong BPD traits and our daughter, now 14 years old, has had various therapies through CAHMS over 7 years for worries, bad thoughts, over-thinking, anorexia and lately self harm (and I'm thinking she's inherited these BPD traits too). 
My new partner (6 years into our relationship) takes the brunt of my ex-wife's 'flare-ups' which can come from nowhere and appear to be constructed from lies, though I'm certain my daughter has played a part in sparking these with her own versions of true life that I'm now having to accept I think are her own lies.  Both my Ex-wife and my daughter say of each other, "she exaggerates and it's almost like she makes things up in her head and then believes them". 
I'm pretty level headed (as is my new partner) and well educated, particularly around how people behave and why etc., the sort of psychology stuff, but I'm totally at a loss as to how to deal with this emotional roller-coaster.
The rational approach to issues that come out of the blue just doesn't work.  Keeping calm, pragmatic and putting my daughter first (and even my Ex-wife first... .due to her manipulation of situations) at my own emotional expense and that of my new partner hasn't worked - but I do not for one minute believe that turning into the tough 'I'm not taking this anymore' person will work any differently.
Not sure what to do, where to go and what this community can help me with, but here I am.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Ricky2005

Welcome to bpdfamily.   I'm sorry what brings you here, what you and your partner are dealing with your young daughter and ex-wife, it's a rollercoaster. I'm glad you've reached out for support, parents here understand, you are not alone. How's your daughter got on with the CAHMS therapy?

You are right if your current approach is not working to change it.
To your right  are tools and lessons that help improve relationships through changing the way we communicate. They do take practice. And at the top of this board you'll find 'Lessons: What a parent can do'. 

Have you considered consulting with a qualified BPD therapist for support and guidance with the behaviours you and your partner are dealing with, is that something you'd consider?

Keep posting it really does help.

WDx